anyways on this fine afternoon i am thinking about the "shane gets a dog" au @grayaceshanehollander and i came up with, in which late situationship-era shane does a bit of volunteer and promo work with a local montreal animal shelter, as a charity campaign to get more animals adopted. it works GREAT, because everyone in montreal wants to see their beloved captain hollander laughing as he wrestles with big ol dogs and cooing softly at a pile of kittens in his lap.
in one of the videos, a dog who's just been brought in, a very excitable borzoi/husky mix who LOVES to yell and has the biggest, stupidest ol satellite dishes for ears, is in the yard, sees shane, and gets so excited to meet his new friend that he tackles shane clean onto the ground. shane, while initially startled, cracks up laughing because this goofy-ass dog is just so earnest and enthusiastic.
"you ever consider playing hockey?" he asks, doing his best to extricate his sweater from the dog's mouth. "you check harder than rozanov, don't you?"
this gives the shelter volunteers the bright idea to name this ridiculous creature ilya ruffanov, which is also great for metrics. get this clip trending on twitter, montreal!
and then one of the videos drops where shane is sitting in the grass with ilya ruffanov flopped against him, tongue lolling out while shane rubs his chest, and shane smiles at the camera and says "yeah, this is definitely my favorite ilya," and of course this clip gets memed on so hard. approximately 53298218 people are tagging ilya rozanov with this clip in his mentions.
shane's phone is blowing up with texts from lily, who is trying so hard to be offended, but also LOOK AT THOSE EAAAARS. THOSE BIG DOOFUS EYES. what a SPLENDID creature. how can he not love this ridiculous-looking dog that is named after him? how can he not melt watching the love of his life UHHH that is, um, his fuckbuddy. his fuckbuddy. playing with a big, silly dog. he is normal about this. fuck. hollander send him more dog photos. hollander. hollander send him dog photos FASTER
anyways. shane isn't planning to get a dog, but he's also a high-strung, active, kinda lonely and anxious person, and when he's so constantly concerned about keeping himself controlled and media-ready and Normal™, there is something so healing about being around a creature that is so genuinely happy to see him no matter what.
so. shane gets a dog.
as a borzoi/husky mix, ilya ruffanov is SO happy to go on runs with shane every morning, galumphing along with his ridiculous ears flapping majestically. (a paparazzi photo of shane hollander's real, genuine laugh as he looks at his silly beast mid-run hits the internet. ilya rozanov stares at it for an embarrassingly long time. don't worry about it.)
obviously ilya rozanov needs to meet this dog. he's blowing up shane's phone. he's commenting in post-game press. he's on twitter. Hollander Let Me Pet Your Dog. Hollander I Want To Pet This Dog. Hollander Let Me In. Hollander He Is Named After Me I Need To Pet This Dog. Let Me In. the internet loves this, and it's also still generating press for the animal shelter. shane considers this and finally is like you know what? yeah, fine, it won't be weird if we're seen hanging out, this is a really good excuse honestly. sure, you can meet my dog. this could be fun, even. okay. sure.
so the next time boston comes to montreal, shane actually opens his rarely-used instagram to post a photo of his dog in a hollander jersey with a caption of, "he's excited that human ilya will be in town today!"
and then he sits back and waits, smiling, to see the incredibly dramatic, offended texts from lily start rolling in. HUMAN ILYA? H U M A N I L Y A ???? WHY ISN'T HE DOG ILYA? I WAS HERE FIRST. HOLLANDER YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?? HOLLANDER I SEE YOU READING THESE. HOLLANDER
