His beginning words prompted an extremely sarcastic remark with a tone that showed how inaccurate his words were to the very letter and an extremely bitter but subtly angry expression, on top of the grim smile she had alreadyâa face that said he had no right to lecture her about her own life when he doesnât know shit about it.
â Hah! Youâre right. I am the type that gave up when things got too hard like you said. Iâm such a disgrace, arenât I? â
Hearing those words made her heart writhe in pain because it wasnât 100% true at all. If anything, living in her family was the hardest part that she canât ever absolutely give up. If she even shows any signs of giving up, itâll be their victory.
But she cannot do anything to get out of that. Their authoritarian-like discipling had been imprinted in to her very soul. Doing anything that defies them, even walking off on her own path, sends a chill down her spine.
No, giving up isnât really the right word to describe her unwillingness to live life or to even try to live better. She didnât give up because it was something as simple as it being too hard. It was because nothing she could do could change her own life. She tried, tried, and tried so many times, in so many different ways, with teary eyes, covered in bruisesâ Yet, absolutely nothing happened.
But letâs say her attempts does work, what would she do afterwards?
All her life she was controlled by her wretched parents and when thereâs no one to lead her, she will have no idea what to do. She doesnât know whatâs the right thing to do, only that she canât do the wrong thing. Thatâs why thereâs no point in trying, yet thereâs no point in ending her life; either of those options doesnât sound like a fitting end for her.Â
Sheâs only living for the sake of others at this point. She was only a disposable tool that gets tossed away when she wasnât useful anymore. So, she just decided to let things go as they pleased, never giving a thought to what happened to her in the future. She doesnât have much of a will anyways, but sheâs trying so hard to even grab on a fraction of her own will, something that will make her human.
She was suffering so much from the scars of the past that continued to hurt to the present day to this conversation. Feelings she kept buried deep down, emotions she purged many years ago, slowly being resurfaced in this very conversationâ She still has a lot to learn.Â
She needs to bury these thoughts and feelings even more, cause thereâs no point sharing them with a mere stranger like him and thereâs no point even having them if she canât do a thing about them.
Her expression became somber when she finished what she had to say in the beginning, only silence hung over them for a few moments. She had calmed herself, only revealing a very slim margin of how she saw herself and the emotional turmoil she had to face. The damage was, at least, small.
â âŚ.Yeah, youâre probably right. But lying to yourself can only work for so long⌠Itâs admirable coming from someone who was lucky enough to escape the dark times of their own life. Thank you for sharing your story with me, but I canât easily go do whatever I want without facing consequences. â
She dropped her head, gaze lowered to only stare at the bleak ground sheâs standing on.
She muttered a short line, very softly under her breath, â I wish someone could just kill me⌠â