I Got Your Back,

At long last, pre-orders for the Adam x Sio anthology “Mysterious love feeling” are now open! Not only do you get to pre-order for a discounted price of $12 (+ S&H), but you’ll also get 2 bonus postcards, and a sticker sheet with 3 different designs!

*I will ship outside of the United States, but note that this will cost more.

Pre-orders are now open on my Storenvy. Additionally, if you missed your chance at picking up the Sio Anthology I did last year, I do still have a few copies left–but once they’re gone, I will likely not print anymore so this is your last chance!

ENG/JPN language versions available

50+ pages with color, B&W illustrations, comics, and short story

B5 size with perfect binding

Postcard art graciously done by @wightjakc and @papaphinks. Each sticker sheet will feature 3 designs.

If you have any other questions or comments, feel free to shoot an ask! Spreading the word and promoting would also be greatly appreciated!

//It might not matter too much, given that I don’t have very many threads going on right now, but as a heads up, this (and my other RP blogs) will be entering a state of semi-hiatus until the next month or so while I get ready to release my second doujinshi anthology collection.

I will be checking my blogs pretty regularly, but replies might be sparse. I will still be reachable through the usual means though, I’m not going to be dropping off the face of the planet.

She had no existence—nothing but a mere image her parents wanted her to project to the outside world. Home was nothing but a never ending cage of projected regrets, pressure, and hopes. The world was just gray to her. There was no place she can call home. But it’s not like she’s gave up on searching, she doesn’t want to spend the energy to go look.

She wanted it all to STOP.

She was sick and tired of having to find a place for herself. She wanted to lie down and do what interested her. She wanted to live freely without a care in the world. She wanted to do everything. She wanted to do nothing…

It would’ve been better if the other had just given up on her like everyone else had. People she knew, people she had forgotten, people she had trusted… She doesn’t want to trust people if they were going to leave her someday. She doesn’t want to be let down anymore, if she stopped caring, it’ll, at least, spare her the pain.

Thus, she lived like a puppet on strings, kept away in the shelf, slowly gathering dust. She had barely any will other than the will to not die, even though it was obvious that she didn’t even deserve to live.

She laughed at his words internally for a quick moment, but offered nothing other than a big polite smile, ❝ You’re right, I am the worse. I can see through the haze just fine. I’m just not as positive as you are. ❞ 

There was just nothing that was remotely interesting to do, other than to read; something she has done since she was a small child. It was a habit that was hard to break. 

She just had no incentive to actually enjoy life. Maybe that will change, that was a logical answer after all.

❝ I never said I wanted to kill myself, you fool. If death decides to come in my direction, I’ll gladly embrace it— But I will not kill myself. That’s too much work in any case, not worth my time. What else are you going to do? I’m already not going to kill myself, or I can’t if you’re going to stop me from doing so. ❞ 

“You may not have any incentive now...but nothing in life ever stays the same. Things are always changing--the world around you, people around you, and I’m sure even you yourself are--you just don’t realize it yet.”

If she wasn’t going to kill herself--then great, his work was a lot less. She could also be lying, but...somehow, Gandhi had a feeling that was just how she was. This girl wasn’t the type to tell lies, even if to get people off her back.

“...Very well then. If you think it’s too much trouble to throw yourself off a cliff, then all the better. It seems I’ve no more business prying into your affairs...however they might turn out.” 

At least he hoped she would be okay; if a few days later and he came across a headline screaming ‘Dead Girl’s Body Found in Street’ then not even Gandhi’s spirit could cause him to be completely guilt-free.

Why was it that even after all that had happened in his childhood, still he refused to completely let others go, to let them live out their own destinies? Why did he just have to care so damn much? Though he’d once made fun of Adam for it, in reality, he was being a bit of a hypocrite--as much as his reputation of casual playboy preceded him, there were some elements that were just too deeply embedded in humanity to let go.

And caring just happened to be one of them.

“I think I’m done here; wherever your path takes you, I can only pray you will find yourself...

//I’ll be gone this weekend for 4th of July holiday; I won’t be bringing my computer and phone connection will be spotty anyway (I don’t even know if my phone will last that long ‘cause I’m going off the grid) so this blog will be quiet until at least next Wednesday.

Honestly, a lot of people asked that. Some people would even go die to see them once again. She’s only heard of stories since she’s not in charge of those sectors. As divine beings, the need to establish order was more important than to the fulfill the needs of mortal beings.

❝ In terms of getting back, you don’t need to worry so much. Since living bodies cannot survive in this realm under normal circumstances, only your soul is here. Your body will call back for you, usually you end up getting tired and falling asleep here then you’ll suddenly wake up like you’ve been asleep for a long time— Or maybe you have been asleep for a long time, who knows. There’s no sense of time here since we’re all immortal… ❞

She puts a hand out for a handshake once more with a content smile on her face, it was polite for people in Jess’s culture wasn’t it?

“Well, that’s good to know! Waking up is certainly a lot easier than having to do those fantasy quests--like collecting a chalice, or slaying a dragon...”

At least she’d gotten an answer, even if it wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped. But deep down, she knew that Lady Meng was right; it’d been so many years now, and she was sure that her parents would want her to move on. To see them, but not actually get them back...that would probably just cause another round of trauma.

Taking the hand, she resisted the urge to just give her one kiss--messing around with death gods was not a good idea--and shook it heartily. “Indeed, this was a chance encounter. It would be a shame if I forgot all of it...I hope at least, to remember some of it...”

The blonde waved goodbye, and walked down towards the hallway. It was a nice hallway she pondered, all red and draped with rich furnishings that were dark and tasteful and...dark...and everything seemed to be getting harder to focus and see...

“...What?” Newton blinked and realized it was daytime. “Bloody hell...that’s it, I’m never drinking with Mirza again...” The covers had been thrown onto the floor, and her mind was still swirling with strange fragments of having had a very important conversation, but its contents...she shook her head. All she could grasp now was that she was asking someone about seeing her parents again. 

His beginning words prompted an extremely sarcastic remark with a tone that showed how inaccurate his words were to the very letter and an extremely bitter but subtly angry expression, on top of the grim smile she had already—a face that said he had no right to lecture her about her own life when he doesn’t know shit about it.

❝ Hah! You’re right. I am the type that gave up when things got too hard like you said. I’m such a disgrace, aren’t I? ❞

Hearing those words made her heart writhe in pain because it wasn’t 100% true at all. If anything, living in her family was the hardest part that she can’t ever absolutely give up. If she even shows any signs of giving up, it’ll be their victory.

But she cannot do anything to get out of that. Their authoritarian-like discipling had been imprinted in to her very soul. Doing anything that defies them, even walking off on her own path, sends a chill down her spine.

No, giving up isn’t really the right word to describe her unwillingness to live life or to even try to live better. She didn’t give up because it was something as simple as it being too hard. It was because nothing she could do could change her own life. She tried, tried, and tried so many times, in so many different ways, with teary eyes, covered in bruises— Yet, absolutely nothing happened.

But let’s say her attempts does work, what would she do afterwards?

All her life she was controlled by her wretched parents and when there’s no one to lead her, she will have no idea what to do. She doesn’t know what’s the right thing to do, only that she can’t do the wrong thing. That’s why there’s no point in trying, yet there’s no point in ending her life; either of those options doesn’t sound like a fitting end for her. 

She’s only living for the sake of others at this point. She was only a disposable tool that gets tossed away when she wasn’t useful anymore. So, she just decided to let things go as they pleased, never giving a thought to what happened to her in the future. She doesn’t have much of a will anyways, but she’s trying so hard to even grab on a fraction of her own will, something that will make her human.

She was suffering so much from the scars of the past that continued to hurt to the present day to this conversation. Feelings she kept buried deep down, emotions she purged many years ago, slowly being resurfaced in this very conversation— She still has a lot to learn. 

She needs to bury these thoughts and feelings even more, cause there’s no point sharing them with a mere stranger like him and there’s no point even having them if she can’t do a thing about them.

Her expression became somber when she finished what she had to say in the beginning, only silence hung over them for a few moments. She had calmed herself, only revealing a very slim margin of how she saw herself and the emotional turmoil she had to face. The damage was, at least, small.

❝ ….Yeah, you’re probably right. But lying to yourself can only work for so long… It’s admirable coming from someone who was lucky enough to escape the dark times of their own life. Thank you for sharing your story with me, but I can’t easily go do whatever I want without facing consequences. ❞

She dropped her head, gaze lowered to only stare at the bleak ground she’s standing on.

...But then she had to go and open her mouth. Even though Gandhi had half-expected it at this point, given her extremely morose outlook on life, still it pissed him off. To toss life aside so careless like that...no matter how shitty things got, he had decided now, after fighting so hard to preserve it, that life was to be treasured.

“You’re really trying to be despicable, aren’t you? The lowest of the low, worthless, human trash...well, I can’t say I’m exactly surprised. Whatever happened to you to make you think so, it can’t have been easy; and I don’t claim to ever be able to know or understand just what your feelings are. Maybe you can’t see through that haze of despair right now, maybe you can. But one thing I know is that killing yourself is probably the worst possible thing you can do right now.”

Suicide was often glorified in certain societies, Japan being a prime example. Dying because it was more honorable than a sullied existence...what bullshit. Even poor Sio had suffered from the throes of worthlessness and self-loathing for a time when her hair had turned white, even professing to Adam that she’d rather die--and he’d seen the gross and horrendous outcome it had caused for both of them.

“You and half of London. Are they daft?!”

I think the theme of this picture was ‘let’s draw Newton in a backless dress’. That was literally it.

But I also like dressing people up in really nice outfits so that was also a bonus. And I googled ‘braid updos’ for like an hour ha ha…

She muttered to herself, ❝ Hm… The week felt long, ❞ yet it didn’t feel that long, in comparison to the times she had to go home and visit her family.

She glances out the window that leads out to a small little patio area. The skies are grey, outside feels quiet, and inside—Feels peaceful. The weather report did say that there’s a huge chance of rain today, but otherwise, the clouds could just be grey.

Looking at the scenery outside, with a cup of tea in hand and a book on her lap, gives her a feeling of nostalgia and solitude, the scenery outside didn’t change much from how she sees the world in her heart. Only that it was more serene and displayed tranquility. There was a sense of beauty in a scene like that.

Another stray thought parted from her lips, ❝ Spring… is coming close to an end huh… ❞

When he started to talk to her, her mind was lost in the scene outside… Her conscience almost faded away into a daydream… Only till he almost finished his question was she aware that he has been talking to her.

“...Ooorrr, that is also an option as well.” It seemed a little too mundane to be spending the last day of their marriage inside, but then again, going out on a dinner and movie--perhaps that could be considered too cliche, on the other end. “There are plenty of things we could do indoors...”

Saying that he was hoping for some sort of intimate moment--even just a kiss--was way too out of the bounds; it would be against his own codes, in any case, about engaging in such behavior with someone who wasn’t interested. But perhaps even some form of lasting impression--that this weird pseudo-marriage hadn’t been a dream would be nice.

Hearing about strange technology has been news to her. She wouldn’t have thought that there was tech like that out there… Especially in outer space. Aliens are just a thing of fiction isn’t it?

Then again, people would consider her to be fiction so, maybe there’s a chance some technology like that does exist.

❝ It’s nothing, it’s nothing. It’s not like I have anything better to do, ❞ then she points her fan at Jess.

❝ I’m actually not sure about your parents’ circumstances. I can ask about it but it’ll take a while. There’s a record of it in the books of whatever your parents’ religion were maybe. We do not hold such records of your family. But, out of concern for your own health and mortality, I wouldn’t recommend it.  ❞

Partially, the reason is because of the high chance she, herself, will lose her life in the process. She’s only kept living due to Meng’s own jurisdiction of her office (and other outlying areas) and the fact that she’s so close to the mortal realm.

“O-Oh, no no no, that was silly of me to even ask--I didn’t mean to be a bother.” Of course it wasn’t a good idea--wasn’t that how it always was with films and books, about talking to the dead and then something happening--going crazy, losing your own soul, etc...

“...I just figured it couldn’t hurt to at least ask...but, no you’re right, I think...it’s been so long now; if I did somehow see them, it’d probably just drive me to despair...” 

Not that she really remembered her parents’ religion anyway; it was probably just the standard, good ol’ Church of England, but the shock of their murder had pretty much wiped out most of the minor details from her family life. That, and DOGOO was basically anything goes--or none at all. They had a chaplain aboard and rooms dedicated to most any religion, but she never did go in after that.

❝ I always tell myself that but— ❞

She has no one to blame but herself… 

She was powerless and weak. Along with her parents constant reprimands, she has begun to internalize all of her hate onto herself. She didn’t know any better at the time, and now, it’s hard to break out of the habit; a never ending loop of self hate.

The words he’s saying, though with sincerity, she cannot bring herself to believe those words. Her life became much worse after her sister left. The parents whom she thought were the nicest people on earth became the most vile beings in existence. Whether or not her sister endured that or if it was brought on by her sister, she wouldn’t know.

She was brought up to not become a mistake, yet some of her tendencies synced up with her sister, thus leading her parents to conclude that she’ll also end up like her sister. It was repeated to her so many times that it seems like her parents lost all hope for her and pushed that responsibility on to her brother.

She hated her sister for that because of her, there’s a bottom line. She doesn’t want to become her sister yet it’s been so instilled in her that she will become her—become what the family has considered a failure at life. She did not want to become a person who let everyone down. So much that it would scare her.

There was no point in ending her life then and there… Not after… 

Wait… 

Did this person of hers really exist or did she made them up due to the constant stress she’s been put in?

She smiles. It was a rather sad and dark smile, to match up with her grim expression to what she had to say next, ❝ I’m punishing myself by being alive… Things in the world are too great for me and there’s so many things I don’t deserve… It’s probably better off if I died but maybe that’s the reason why I’m still here. It sounds to easy to die, doesn’t it? ❞

If anything, she’s given up on trying. She’s scared and alone. No one can help her. Even if they could, nothing can ever bring her out of the darkness she’s been thrusted into. She gave up on finding the light long ago.

Something bad always happens anyways… This is why she tries to distance herself from people and locked her emotions away as best as she could. She chose a life of solitude to be devoid of anything that ties her down to emotions when she’s been betrayed so many times…

“Hmm...so, you’re one of those types, huh? The kind who just gives up in the end, because it’s too hard...” If it was Adam or Sio, they would just go on about how life was always worth living, no matter how hard--because that was what made the joy more joyful, no?

But he was Mahesh Mirza, not Sio-chan or Adam. And so such words didn’t hold much sway in his own mind, much less his own heart. “Well, if you’re going to keep living in spite of what you think--you should try and do things that are fun, even if they’re just momentary. I mean, hell, if you’re just waiting for your time here to end, might as well just go all out, right?”

That had been his thought, for a long time; running around in dubious dealings, not caring if he lived or died--as long as the night was young and the clients kept pouring in, it was enough to distract him--temporary pleasure with a young prostitute or some other rich client maybe, that was enough to keep the loneliness at bay, most nights. “...I used to do some, not so good things...ran around in a gang, slept around with whomever was willing and hustled stuff that was probably illegal...sure, I kept thinking I was going to meet my end any day, but if I was, then at least I was doing stuff that was fun, even if it’s probably one of the most shallow ways to find pleasure.

❝ There is a book I wanted to get but it’s only a single book, which I can actually wait before getting since it’s fairly expensive and in English. Once I cleared out the books here, I basically freed up a ton of space. 3 big boxes worth of books was a lot less than I anticipated. ❞

Frankly, she was surprised at how little books she actually had. It might’ve just been the feeling of having a lot of books because of how much space is in her apartment. It is big enough to fit a person but the place itself was still small in comparison to the bigger and much nicer apartments.

❝ Oh the project? Hmm, having an extra set of hands will help me get the work done faster. It’s for an English literature class. The teacher thought that it might be more engaging if we make a creative presentation on it. We do have the option of writing a report on it but honestly, it’s probably easier to do the creative option. ❞

3 boxes was considered less? He held his tongue at her simple declaration, but then again he hadn’t been a bookworm like Adam. Books were mostly collected out of necessity (school) or given as gifts (not that he really wanted them). 

“Only 3 boxes, huh? I’m not sure what I want to know what you’d consider to be ‘a lot’...” he chuckled slightly, helping her haul them out of the way. 

Dropping them off at the donation center hadn’t been the hard part--well okay, so maybe hauling 2 boxes at once was just a bit beyond his physical ability. He was definitely in shape, even as a defender ‘your body is the tool for your weapon’ (as Capa had so kindly reminded him during his workout regimes).

Nobody in the store had seemed to give them a second glance at this slightly-odd looking couple, though Gandhi highly doubted that any of them thought they were married--probably just friends, or maybe dating. Which would have been a nice thought...after all, this marriage wasn’t slated to last forever, or even more than just a few more days. -- “Mm, it’s a shame we’d have to have a grey day to round out our time together.” A week seemed to blur by and yet it also felt as if he’d lived a lifetime--a different lifetime, that is. They cooked and cleaned, he helped her out with projects and they sometimes just spent time in a chair, a book each (he attempted to actually read something for fun and it wasn’t half bad). Of course she hadn’t shared a room much less a bed, but Gandhi was okay with that--it was a bit much to ask of somehow whom he’d never met before this.

The weather was blustery and chilly, the skies threatening rain as the two decided to stay in instead of a planned outing to the park nearby. “But, anywhere is home as long as it’s with you, my dear.”

❝ Yes, I have siblings. I guess we don’t talk to each other much anymore. My brother… Well, he does reply when I text him, sometimes. As for my bis sis… I’d rather not talk to her… Not now… ❞

Yuuhi grimaces at the mention of her sister. It brought up, probably, years of remorse, regret, and childish hatred. She found out in recent years that most of her rent was being supported by her sister. Big sis disappeared for so many god-damn, like MANY GOD-DAMN years and then suddenly she reappears trying to help Yuuhi out.

No, she doesn’t even want to accept the help, but she has no choice, otherwise, it’ll be hard to support herself anyways. Her big sis probably knew that and decided to not bother her either. Yuuhi still needs to come in terms with the situation before finally confronting her and have a talk.

❝ In regards to that person… If you’re thinking whether or not I hit my head or made it up, then no I didn’t. But I— ❞

That’s where she stopped herself short. There was something strange about it. Not only can she not remember all the details, she is having a very emotional response from mentioning it. She’s never the type to forget someone this important to her, so why—?

❝ I… I… It was probably my fault that it happened…. ❞

She slowly began to blank out, slowly lower her gaze till her face could barely be seen looking towards the ground. It has never happened to her before where she’s so confused that she ends up spacing out. It certainly didn’t bring up pleasant emotions.

“That’s difficult; to shoulder all the blame on yourself, regardless of whether or not you really should...” A part of him was irritated, that a girl like her would still think everything came crashing down because of her. Sure, he’d screwed up in the past--and probably made more than one serious, dumb mistake. But that didn’t mean that his life was worthless now--even if at one point, he felt the same as her.

“Even if this...person, you feel that you owed them a lot...that was then. ‘Then’ is not the same as ‘now’, no matter what you think.” Gandhi debated about offering the girl his handkerchief, but maybe that would be too forward. “You made it past those hard times; otherwise you wouldn’t be here now. That’s pretty impressive, you know? Many people would give up long before then, but you haven’t.”

It didn’t even take her long to shoot back a snarky remark. Of course, he’s probably frivolous on the outside but inside, there might be something more to it. With her experience of observing people, she has a hunch that there are reasons for this.

❝ Hm… I think it comes in all forms, but I never thought I’d live long enough to get married. ❞

It’s a rather frank way to put it but, she never contemplated on it after a while. It was just something too far out of her reach. Not something she deserved nor can obtain…. Perhaps maybe he felt the same. She would never know, nor would she bother to ask. She’s not that interested.

But the neighborhood huh….

❝ Well, it’s not much but we can take a walk around tomorrow if you want. I need to buy something for a project anyways. ❞

It’s not really a bother for her if her guest wants to explore the town. Most of her workload is taken care of, well except for the books she needs to put out to donate. She puts down her tea cup and walks back to take care of the piles of books.

❝ Let’s take care of all these books first, otherwise we won’t be able to walk out of the place tomorrow. ❞

“W-Well, that’s one way of putting it...” Not live long enough to get married--truth to be said, it would also work for him. Mortality wasn’t something he thought much of, until DOGOO and Capa knocked some more common sense into him (but not that much more, mind you). “Though, I suppose it is true that this was thrust upon both of us quite suddenly...and maybe at a little too young an age?”

She was a student, if memory served; and technically, Mahesh himself was supposed to have just graduated university, that is if he had actually finished...but saving the world was more important than education. Sometimes.

“A stroll around town does sound lovely; this place is certainly a lot quieter than Mumbai, and certainly cleaner,” he joked, putting his teacup in to the sink and helping her move the piles of books off the coffee table. “We can take these with us, donate them and maybe buy some more books?” He offered jokingly, because surely at this rate, she would never finish all the books in this room, let alone the house.