Frothy

Wot the?!

Im starting to think I was wrong about the hat thing theory, but my delusional StaticSilence heart still believes in it!!

Sin of Pride VS Dead Pride!! Who wins?!!

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These ones were supposed to come out (wink wink) at the first day of Pride. But apparently only drawing queer characters doesn't officialy count as a job (yet), so now I have to get an actual one (RIP) and leave these unfinished 😔 Less time for my kids for now ig

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Got the idea from this amazing animatic btw 👇

And sorry for being so late with your appointment. I went on a teeny tiny drug bender and forgot what day it was. All therapists do it. I’m pretty sure. It was in the contract I signed, anyways. I get two days a week with no sick pay.

I’m getting to talk to you, so it’s a great day already. //Pulls out a clipboard and begins writing on it//

That doesn’t sound really professional of her to say. Nor very nice. Why would she say that about you? Do you think your brain is mush?

Why do you think something’s wrong with you? Do YOU think something’s wrong with you?

And do you WANT to go along with what everyone else is doing?

If I'm an asshole, they stay away. Abel stayed away. So did Sera and Emily. And Peter and most winners. The Exorcists were stuck with me. And now Lucifer's stuck with me.

I don't mean to hurt him so much, I'm just making his life worse. The kids are the only good thing to come from all of this. I can't even bring myself to make it worth it fir him to stay. I don't know why he loves me, I'm not loveable. Maybe he's just lying to himself, trying to trick himself into thinking he loves me so he doesn't have two divorces under his belt.

Surely he doesn't think that I'm actually a good parent. There's a reason why Abel doesn't talk to me much and why Cain would rather die when he found out,he was my kid, and not Lucifer's.

Sometimes I want to run away... or just hide somewhere until someone finds me and offs me. But I can't. And probably wouldn't. I dunno. I think I'm going to cause some shit with this one but yeah.

It sounds like the people you’ve been around in the past had very high expectations for you. That would be stressful for anyone to deal with.

And whether you met those expectations at one point or not, the stress of constantly trying to meet everyone’s different expectations has worn you very thin. It’s probably, and I don’t say this lightly, traumatized you in different ways that you’re struggling to deal with now.

You want people to stay away because it’s less stressful for everyone involved. It’s easier than dealing with their perceived eventual and inevitable disappointment with you, right? You protect yourself, you keep their expectations low, and you can’t fail when there’s nothing to achieve with that person.

It must be pretty lonely, though, keeping people at arms length.

One tine was during that meeting with Charlie and Heaven, and I told everyone about the exterminations. That... really didn't go down well.

The achangels went on and on at me for days. Then there was Emily who said I was a monster. Then Sera who just... refused to even be in the same room as me. I tried to say sorry, but they wouldn't let me- everyone wouldn't leave me alone. They kept asking me why, telling them this whole redemption thing is my fault... I didn't know what to say... I think it's why they didn't care when I got hurt... they probably would rather me dead.

I've just... always shamed them. There was nothing I could do that was good enough. I tried. I really did... but nothing I do is good enough. Not for Heaven, or for my kids, or Eve, or Lilith, or Lucifer, or God. Nothing.

//flips through some papers on the clipboard, stopping on a particular page// You have kids, right? Several of them from what I’ve been told. One on the way.

Let’s do a little roleplay.

One of your children is experiencing the same situation. They’ve been told that they need to protect something important and part of protecting that thing is keeping how they protect it a secret.

Someone they don’t know explains that the whole way they’re doing that protecting is wrong and evil.

Your child reacts poorly to this news because they’ve been told by the people your child loves, the ones they’re protecting, that there was only one way this entire time.

They’re understandably angry at this person so they lash out. They didn’t want to hurt the people who got hurt when they lashed out.

They come to you crying, hurting because they’ve didn’t mean any of this to happen, and they want your love and advice on what to do next.

I just... I have ni idea what I'd say, because I don't know what I wanted them to say to me. There's nothing that comes to mind that would be enough comfort to make me feel better, so there's nothing I could do for them...

A parent who would rather experience a traumatic ordeal over having their child experience it certainly sounds like something a good dad would say. It also sounds like you don’t have the tools to properly convey your feelings to them, either.

So, let’s keep going.

Your child, a toddler in this new scenario, is crying and wants you to comfort them because they’ve hurt their best friend by accident and are afraid that friend doesn’t want to be their friend anymore. What do you say to calm and comfort them?

Maybe... I'd tell them to apologise? I don't know...

You can have more than one best friend, too. And while partners and friends are different, a partner doesn’t stop being a best friend just because they’re now your partner.

And while you’ve definitely been horrible in the past, I’m struggling to see how you’re horrible now to anyone besides yourself. You occasionally hurt Lucifer with your jealousy, but I think that ultimately stems from a low self esteem and a fear that everyone you love will eventually leave you as they have in the past. It doesn’t excuse your bad behavior, though it does explain it.

I don't offer him anything. There's no reason to be with me. Lilith is beautiful, and acts like a real queen, and she's mature, and she loved him- maybe not now, but she did and I'm not like that. I'm not her. I'm not good or good enough for him.

It's like my whole life is dependent on Lucifer and how this fucking marriage goes, if it goes sideways, I have no one... Angel is the only one who's not a complete asshole to me but he's at the hotel, and even if he wasn't, I doubt he would help me. I know his kid won't help me. Abel can't... and Cain hates me, the sins hate me- I'd literally be dead if anything happens to my relationship. And knowing Lu will one day realise that I'm not worth it along with knowing I'll probably die as soon as I step foot out there- I just... I'm... scared.

I hate how I am with him. I'm ruining his pregnancy because I hated mine. He's having a shower- and I couldn't. Not only because of the Roo thing but I know no one would come- and everyone loves Lucifer so everyone will be there and it just shows that I have literally nothing down here. Or anywhere.

I know it's my fault. I'm hurting him and everyone close to him and I'm making everything shit for him and I fucking know. I hate myself for it. I hate that I just can't be happy that he's happy, I can't not fucking ruin it for him. I just- I don't know... if I really love him... maybe I hate him... but then I feel fucking horrible for thinking that because he's literally the best thing ever and I'm not and I'm making his life worse but I just-.

You wanna stop freaking out and ruining everything? Then you’ve gotta learn to healthy deal with these sudden fears and self esteem issues that don’t consist of blowing up and running away when things get hard.

//gives his hand a little squeeze// Let’s take a break to learn how to relax when these thoughts spiral and make you panic. Breathe in, hold it, and count to ten. Breathe out, hold it, and count to ten. Do this a few times until your heart stops racing, then it’ll be easier to tell your brain that it’s wrong.

I mean, do you even hear yourself? You’re worried about him leaving you because you believe you’re not enough. But you’re also so sure you’ve fooled him into staying with you because you believe you’ve convinced him you’re a better person than you are. You also admit you push everyone away from the jumpstart and you’ve never stopped pushing people away, so where do you have time to pretend to be this good partner that’s fooled Lucifer? How?

It doesn’t make sense. These are mental circles you’re constantly going in and it has to be so exhausting to be in your own head all the time, listening to these voices telling you all the negative things about yourself.