Hermione Granger

[You send the notification yourself with an embossed envelope + stationary set with an appropriately morbid handkerchief, bouquet of loathing/regret optional]

Canon/Post War (some are from Trans only others are expanded)

She’s really got a thing about tiny cocks, man, you should really ask her about that (to Ron, probably a bit drunk) 

She’s quite interested in my pants. And yours. Mine was the surprise, yours were expected. Say, have you found any of yours missing? (Also to Ron)

She’s going to turn into a NEWT if she talks about them one more time!

I heard she shipped her parents off to Australia. Doesn’t she know that the animals there are almost as bad as Death Eaters? …wait… did she ever bring them back? 

Hermione ? Yeah her hair can eat small children.

Her animagus form is Crookshanks. 

I think I once asked her how to dispose a body and she told me. Which shouldn’t make you afraid of me but weary of her, really. It was only like a five step program.

The Prophet thinks that Ron’s dick is magic and Hermione is pregnant. Oh. She is? Well, I hope to god it’s not with triplets or else it’s entirely right and I’ll have to reassess my judgement on the news again.

I mean we could work int he same office if you wanted to thin whats left of our Hogwarts year a little more.

“As someone who– Did you really just come all the way over here to remind me that I’ve faced prejudice? Because it’s not like I forget that, you know. And, usually, on the rare occasion that I do, someone is usually all too keen to remind me.” 

He signed, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over the bridge of his nose. Her heart was in the right place, he reminded himself. She just didn’t have the first frigging clue how to go about it. 

He rolled his eyes. “Can you please just call the ruddy thing Pig? I don’t know what in the hell Ginny was playing at, but that name is just awful.” He brightened at the idea of getting to play chess, though. “Really? You’ll play? That’s brilliant!” 

The trick with being really good at something, was getting people to continue to do it with you even after you’d beaten them a trillion times. Still, Hermione would play even when Harry wouldn’t, and that was excellent. 

In all other cases except the Triwizard cup, portkeys only go one way at one specific time. Touching them again does not activate them to return to their place of origin. Also, when Harry grabs the cup a second time, it does not return him to the middle of the maze. It takes him to the entrance of the maze, in front of everyone.

Therefore, when Crouch Jr. (as Moody) bewitched the cup, he planned to have it take anyone who touched it first to the graveyard, then to the front of the maze.The cup was probably supposed to be a portkey to take the winner to the front of the maze anyway, so they wouldn’t have to try to fight their way out again.

Voldemort obviously planned to kill Harry. He had to. That was the whole point; to kill Harry in front of all his Death Eaters, all the ones who had deserted him and doubted his power to return.

There’s the possibility that he wanted to send Harry’s body back, either to divert suspicion somehow or to intentionally flout his victory in Dumbledore’s face. Except Voldemort had promised his precious Nagini several times she could eat Harry, and it seemed like a promise Voldemort was going to keep.

So who was meant to take that return trip?

Voldemort could use it as a ticket into Hogwarts for a surprise attack, but he’s freshly reborn, his Death Eaters are 13 years out of practice, and there’s a flock of powerful wizards there for the Triwizard. That would be an idiotic move.

Or what if Harry—or someone who looked like him—had returned to Hogwarts as if nothing had happened in that maze? As the victor of the Triwizard Tournament AND the Boy Who Lived, Harry would be able to go anywhere and do anything. Everyone trusts him.

Two words: POLYJUICE POTION.

There was one Death Eater already waiting at Hogwarts who had very carefully been spending a whole year getting to know Harry, watching his every movement: Barty Crouch Jr.

So here was Voldemort’s complete plan: Use Barty Crouch Jr. to infiltrate Hogwarts as Moody. He gets to know Harry and sets him up to be selected for and eventually to win the Triwizard Tournament. He makes sure Harry touches the cup first. Harry is then transported to the graveyard where Voldemort is waiting. Voldemort uses Harry to rise, calls his Death Eaters to him, and then humiliates and kills the Boy Who Lived in front of them.

Then Voldemort strips Harry’s body, takes his hair, and transforms into him (or else has one of his DE’s do this—but really, who would he pick? Lucius is an idiot, Bellatrix is still in jail, and he believes Snape has deserted him). He then takes the cup and goes to Hogwarts as Harry. Later that night, Moody disappears, and Crouch takes Voldemort’s place as Harry Potter. Then, when the moment is right, Voldemort-Harry or Crouch-Harry will assassinate Dumbledore (incidentally gaining the power of the Elder Wand, though he wouldn’t know it), stage a coup of Hogwarts, and take over the wizarding world.

Heck, he/they might not even drop their disguise as Harry. The wizarding world has faced Voldemort as an enemy before, but if their savior Harry Potter suddenly turned out to be just as powerful a Dark Lord as He Who Must Not Be Named? It would be a far scarier prospect than simply dealing with Voldemort’s return.

It solves the problem of why Voldemort went to such lengths to get Harry through the Triwizard, when there were far easier ways to capture him: Voldemort didn’t just need Harry’s blood; he needed Harry as the world’s hero.

And all that time in Hogwarts would give Voldemort time to search for a relic of Godric Gryffindor, the one founder he never made a horcrux from.

Of course, none of this could have worked because Voldemort could never in a million years fool Ron or Hermione or Dumbledore, not even for a minute. But there’s Voldemort’s greatest weakness again—he doesn’t understand love.

“’Course he does. Like a proper…” Seamus stumbled a moment, just not used to the phrasing yet. “Boyfriend he encourages all my best qualities and good habits. I can talk about wands all I want–just can’t take them for a test, if you get my meaning.”

“I suppose boyfriends should encourage one another,” Hermione began, stressing the word on purpose, “although I’m not sure how much luck Dean’s going to have encouraging things that aren’t there--” and then the meaning of his quip about wands and cauldrons sank in and her face twisted with horror.

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