So my dad died 3 weeks ago
I just need to vent about a few things and I'm not really sure how or where to do so. But here it goes My dad was a fucked up, funny, manipulative, kindhearted, tortured soul. He had a lot of demons. Many he never faced in his lifetime. Which I don't blame him for. The demons he had would have killed anyone weaker within a matter of minutes and he lived with them for years and years. My dad suffered damn near his whole life with the disease of addiction. He couldn't put down the bottle long enough to see that the demons he was fighting were just memories. Just scenes replaying over and over in his head like a horrible movie he couldn't seem to get out of. He was consumed by these horrible thoughts and memories where he had been a victim. He couldn't seem to see that at some point in time he turned into a volunteer for this pain. My dad was a victim many times in his life. But the rest of the time he was so use to playing that part that he jumped in it automatically. My father was a good man. But his thinking and ways of handling things were in the mind of a teenager. With the vocabulary of a scholar. He knew how to make anything sound good. He would have been a millionaire if it wasn't for his addiction I swear to god. Something I've noticed when someone dies, is that people only seem to see the best in their memories of that person. There seems to be a moment where everything that person has done is forgiven. Their downfalls and demons suddenly turn into fun quirks or silly memories. When in reality, my dad was so toxic. So draining that he pushed everyone who was close to him away. He was exhausting to be around and speak to that I would literally have to be in the right mood in order to pick up the phone. So no. I will not sit here and tell you my dad "had a few quirks" he had many fucked up traits that made him hate himself so much he couldn't see past them and give himself a chance to heal from all the horrible things he had been thru. And yet I find missing him. But not him so much as the person I knew he could have been if he had stopped living in his past the way he did. The person he could have been if he had truly given this whole recovery thing a shot. My dad loved me to the best of his ability. I love him with all my heart. Despite his faults. Despite his demons. Because the truth of the matter is that I am so much like him. Down to the core, that if it wasn't for him I would be the exact same miserable tortured person he was. Because I saw what all of that angry, self hatred and self pity did to him, I knew I needed to do something different. So despite loving him for simply being my father I love him as the person who made me realize what I didn't want to be The person who showed me I could turn my life around and become a better person despite this fucked up disease. So daddy, as you look down on me right now, without all those demons and fears that plagued you for years, please know this, I love you to the heart. I am a better person for having known you. Even if it was to show me the part of myself that, just like you, It almost killed me to look at. I understand. I truly do. I wish you could have done it down here. But I am so grateful you are now at peace. I love you ❤️
