The observations of your average Gothamite

Bane: huh?

Nightwing: WHY DON’T YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!

Clark: [congenially] So how are things at home?

Barry: [under his breath] god it’s like you never learn

Bruce: [flipping through a report] The kids are fighting

Clark: What’s it about?

Bruce: The Kennedy assassination

Clark: [pauses] I- was not expecting that

Bruce: It’s fine. It’s nowhere near as bad as the war of the roses altercation

Clark: uh…

Bruce: That’s two weeks of my life I’d rather forget

Barry: Do your kids just… find things to fight about even when they’re not actually mad at each other?

Bruce: I raised them to be argumentative

Bruce: It fosters critical thinking and independence

Bruce:

Bruce: I will admit that I did not entirely think this philosophy through when I initiated it, but to be fair I only had the one child at the time.

Clark:

Barry:

Bruce: [answering his phone] Yes, Damian?

Bruce: [sighs and keeps flipping through the report] I’m sure you can look up the exact distances involved online

Bruce: No I don’t- wait, Tim is arguing WHAT?

Bruce: How would that even- no wait, put Dick on the phone

Bruce: Dick, did Jason manage to get Tim on his side in arguing that the Kennedy assassination was faked and JFK got extensive plastic surgery and is now a Canadian Country singer?

Bruce: What do you mean “they made a good case”?

Bruce: No! It isn’t probable! It’s not even feasible!

Bruce: You’re a detective!!

Alfred: That was almost a thousand years old!

Nightwing: a dragon sneezed

Red Hood: tried to light a cig with a flamethrower

Red Robin: dropped my latest mixtape

Batman: Robin, you’re awfully quiet

Robin: father, I can honestly confess… it was probably Superboy’s fault.

Batman: he’s in Kansas right now

Robin: he’s fast. Look! Oh, you just missed him. Darn.

Batman: Duke, please, tell me what happened

Signal: um

[Flashback to Duke arguing it was impossible for a fire extinguisher to catch on fire]

Jason: [chokes on his water]

Duke: [mouth drops open] No way…

Dick: Is—is that— 

Damian: tt.

Harper: Holy fucking—

Dick: —Is that the bisexual flag—

Stephanie: [maniacal cackling]

Cass: Pretty.

Dick: [slams hands on the table] It’s the bi-mobile.

Tim: [facepalms] Oh my god.

Bruce: I want the names of whoever did this.

Everyone:

Bruce: Now. 

Everyone:

Jason: Why the hell is everyone staring at me? I’m not the only bisexual at this table.

Tim: No, but you are the most chaotic bisexual here.

Jason: I can’t believe you said that to my face when Steph is sitting right next to you.

Stephanie: It wasn’t me, but I wish it was.

Harper: Nonono, Jay is the most rebellious bisexual. Dick is the most chaotic bisexual in the entire League.

Dick: [splutters] Wh—I—Look who’s talking!

Harper: [points accusingly] You have a problem Grayson!

Duke: [raises hand] Uh, is this meeting only for bisexuals? Because I’m pan.

Cassandra: [also raises hand] Lesbian.

Dick: Is—is nobody here straight?

Everyone: [gay silence]

Duke: [raises an eyebrow] Bruce?

Bruce: hn.

Jason: I guess that’s as close to a coming out as we’ll ever get.

Harper: Niiiice.

Stephanie: I knew it.

Cassandra: Dami?

Damian: [shrugs] Jon.

Dick: Aww— [dodges knife thrown at his head]

Bruce: None of us are leaving this room until whoever did this confesses.

Damian: Drake is looking kind of sus.

Jason: [spits out his water, again]

Tim: Oh, come on. I didn’t do it.

Damian: That is precisely what a guilty person would say.

Harper: He’s got you there.

Tim: Wh—I’m gay.

Bruce: That in no way exonerates y—

Dick: Wait, wait, I thought you dated Steph??

Tim: Yeah, like, a while ago. And then I figured out I was gay.

Dick: …But Steph dumped you.

Stephanie: Honestly, Tim being homosexual was the least of our relationship issues.

Duke: Yikes.

Bruce: [pinches the bridge of his nose] Just. Someone tell me who painted the goddamn Batmobile.

Everyone:

dick: straight-up manipulator. he knows exactly how to twist conversations back onto you, and he is willing to blatantly lie to your face if he needs to. he will always walk out of the interaction knowing more of what he wants to know than you will

jason: “don’t worry about it”/ ”fuck if i know” (he does know)

cass: stares at you ominously until you cough and change the subject

tim: will tell you just enough of the truth to satisfy you, but leave out anything he thinks you don’t need to know. very good at rephrasing things you already know so they sound like new information

damian: “that is not necessary information” / “if you’re not smart enough to figure it out, you can stew in your ignorance”

I made the screen too high up but oh well ✨

Quote is from @incorrectbatfam​

*at Wayne Manor*

Bruce, with a pained expression on his face: i know i’m going to regret this, but what are you doing?

Tim, hiding behind a potted plant with a video camera: ssshhh!! im watching the baby gays interact in their natural habitat

*a few feet away*

Jon: so…you come here often?

Damian: i

Damian: it’s my house

Jon, voice cracking: sO tHaT’s A yEs???

Tim, in that Nature Documentary Voice™: and that…is observed attempt #23 at establishing non-platonic bonds…but unfortunately…it seems to have been ineffective…this adolescent homosexual will have to retreat…and try again…another day…

Bruce:

the leaguers get more and more shocked every time they find out there’s a new one because where is he getting all these kids from?? it’s wild enough learning that batman adopted the first robin, but then more just keep showing up and nobody knows what’s happening anymore.

“hey kiddo, how’s it—wait, you’re not dick. who are you? his replacement?? BRUCE DID YOU REPLACE YOUR FUCKING CHILD??”

"i’m so sorry to hear about jason, bruce, if there’s anything i can—wait, what do you mean there’s already a new one? and he’s got pants??”

“batman. i swear to god. i just saw on the news that there’s a new batgirl and bruce wayne just adopted a daughter. you have a problem”

“a blonde robin this time? way to diversify, batsy” *two months later* “you fired her?? ALREADY??”

“BRUCE THE NEW KID JUST FUCKING BIT ME WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID IT COME FROM” ...... “HE’S YOUR WHAT???”