Gordon

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with any of it, I can’t connect with anyone, I’ve become awkward, insecure and melancholic. I lost all confidence in myself, I started thinking there was nothing I could do to overcome the wall keeping me down. I struggle to keep conversation with anyone, even my best friends distanced themselves from me, I spend my days working without a goal, I have nothing to look forward to. Any hope I had for the future is surely but an ember fit to extinguish with the slightest breeze, which I relentlessly resist. I’m burning the essence of my life for a hope that is impossible to envision and so unlikely that I’m watching the days fall through my fingers like sand leaving nothing but regret and shame in its wake. But alas, I could imagine my future no other way, whether I’m chosen or not, I have loved faithfully and without restraint. I’ve made mistakes so horrible and consistently it’s hard to classify them as simply that. I live every day knowing that my trust issues and unrestrained selfish desires ruined my life irreparably. I was immature, naive and thoughtless, and I can never forgive myself for clinging to immaturity at the cost of our future together. It’s something I have to live with every day. No matter how successful I am, no matter how far I travel, no matter how many people I meet, I will never be able to see my dreams of travelling the world and building our family come to pass.

"All the things you wanted to be. Then all the things you wish you never wished for. It was the delicious itch you go to scratch... but find it's under the skin and you can't reach it. So the delicious itch becomes unbearable. It told you what you most want is what you can't have. And what you most can't have is what you already had and lost. It was the song of all the promises I failed to keep.”

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