I Am Hell Bound

"If the situation were reversed, an' I was dying..." Which is exactly what had come to pass with the Mark of Cain. "You'd do the same thing." He had believed that, at the time. Right up until... "No, Dean.--I wouldn't."

And that same look of shock that he had given Sam then...reflected on Sam's face now. But the son of a bitch had been right before. They were doing more harm than good. How many others, of their friends needed to die before they finally stopped sacrificing them for each other? How many more will die now that this--Darkness had been released?

Dean swallowed, watching as Sam answered back and that goddamn stubbornness enter his expression. A fresh wave of weariness came over the elder, causing him to shut his eyes and shake his head softly in disappointment. Of course, he knew that Ry had played a part in saving him from the brink, but he also knew that it had ultimately been Sam who had ignored every warning and went full-steam ahead anyway.

It was the attempt to shock him into choosing differently that made Sam's features drop into a deep scowl. Dirty pool, trying to guilt him. He knew why, obviously, but he was still pissed Dean even went there. After everything? No, it wasn't going to work this time.

"Dean, stop. Do you know how many times we've danced around this conversation, but never actually had it? Not really. I'm tired, Dean. Tired of worrying that I'm going to lose the three most important people in my life. Tired of blow after blow and getting nowhere. Tired of excuses, of lying, of-- all of it. If I could make it so we never had to hunt again for the rest of our lives? I'd do it in a fucking second. But that's clearly not in the cards for us. And because it's not, I'm not going through it alone. Not without you, or Ry, or Kassie." He took a deep breath, holding a hand up to stop Dean from interrupting him because this needed to be said and he needed to finish it before Dean spoke up or he'd never get it off his chest.

But, like always...whenever one of them hit rock bottom, the other always seemed to be there, fighting like hell to pull his brother back from the brink. Where was that other Sam now? The one who was so adamant that he fucked up more than he fixed? The one who was fine with him dying? 'I lied,' he had told him later, but...a part of him always thought there was some truth to his original statement.

The Sam before him now was obstinate; so sure he was right, he produced a monologue that easily rivaled the one in Braveheart and left no room for debate. Even went as far as throwing up a hand when he paused to take a breath. Annoying? Sure, but...Dean knew he'd likely be doing the same.--And around and around they go.

Sensing a heavy sigh build up in his chest, he pinched at the bridge of his nose, still listening, but somehow feeling even more exhausted than when they first started this conversation. He got where he was coming from, he did; he just...was tired of losing so much and terrified of who might be next.

He should have expected this type of response, especially given Dean's headspace of late. Still, he found himself raising his brows slightly in surprise. He got it, really, because they'd both made some pretty stupid decisions when it came to their brother. But-- even with that knowledge, he also knew damn well that that wasn't ever going to change, no matter how unhealthy it may be.

"If the situation were reversed, an' I was dying..." Which is exactly what had come to pass with the Mark of Cain. "You'd do the same thing." He had believed that, at the time. Right up until... "No, Dean.--I wouldn't."

And that same look of shock that he had given Sam then...reflected on Sam's face now. But the son of a bitch had been right before. They were doing more harm than good. How many others, of their friends needed to die before they finally stopped sacrificing them for each other? How many more will die now that this--Darkness had been released?

Dean swallowed, watching as Sam answered back and that goddamn stubbornness enter his expression. A fresh wave of weariness came over the elder, causing him to shut his eyes and shake his head softly in disappointment. Of course, he knew that Ry had played a part in saving him from the brink, but he also knew that it had ultimately been Sam who had ignored every warning and went full-steam ahead anyway.

It'd taken far more effort to fall asleep than usual. She couldn't shut her brain off, despite Dean holding her tightly, sound asleep as he did. when she finally managed, it was light-- the tiniest things awakening her and causing her to start the process all over again.

She'd thought it was just another sound from outside that pulled her back to consciousness, but as she closed her eyes and started trying to get back to sleep, she heard it again; the sound of movement outside the bedroom.

❝ i'll always protect you. ❞

❝ i never meant to get this close, but now that i have i can't let you go. ❞

❝ i live for the moments when you look at me. the rest of the time i'm just existing. ❞

❝ i don't like how you make me feel. but i like not being around you even less. ❞

❝ i wish you wouldn't look at me like that. when you look at me like that i...it makes me wanna do things i shouldn't ❞

❝ there's no line i wouldn't cross for you. don't you realize that? ❞

❝ i did this for you. no one else. ❞

❝ i don't like it, but i'll do it for you. ❞

❝ i wonder how much of myself i'll have to give to you—how much i have to lay bare—before you realize how much you're taking. ❞

❝ i'm not trying to fix you. i'm just trying to be your friend. ❞

❝ i'm not um, real good at thank yous. or sorry's. but if you ever need me, i'm there. i owe you one. ❞

❝ i've seen you at your worst and i'm still standing here. ❞

❝ you've seen me at my worst but you're still here... ❞

❝ you can be mad at me, i can take it. i'd rather you be angry than shut me out. ❞

❝ i'm not angry, i'm just scared. ❞

❝ i know you love me, but do you like me? ❞

❝ do you think i'm a good person? ❞

❝ do you think i care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference? of course i'm helping you. ❞

❝ tell me what i can do to show you how i love you. i will give you anything you ask for. ❞

❝ you don't have to keep apologizing. just be here. day in and day out and prove that you're gonna keep showing up. that's all you have to do. ❞

❝ i only sleep well when you're next to me. ❞

❝ i don't want an apology i just want to understand. ❞

❝ i could actually use a hug right now. ❞

❝ i want everyone else to go away, but you can stay. ❞

❝ i actually do care what you think about. you're probably one of the only people whose opinion matters to me. ❞

❝ you always seem to know what i need. ❞

❝ you always seem to know just what i need to hear. ❞

❝ i want you to call me when you need someone. i want to be here for you. ❞

❝ you're the one i wanna call when i need someone. ❞

When we started casting, we had archetypes in mind, which were Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. We were really looking for Sam to be empathetic, kind, and likeable, and really the audience surrogate. The person who the audience would most see themselves as and really carry the story through their eyes. And that required a really unique likeability. For Dean, we were looking for Han Solo. We were looking for devil-may-care, charismatic, a little rough around the edges, a little edgy, says things that are not always the kindest thing, as long as they’re funny. And that was really what we started out with.

And Jared and Jensen both just so inhabited those parts, and then proceeded to blow us away with how dimensionalized they were. For Jensen, the level of emotion and totally flawed, screwed-to-hell psyche that he brings to Dean, we really are enamored with. This idea that on the surface here’s this Han Solo devil-may-care persona, but when you really scratch beneath the surface, you see that anyone who has that persona has it because they are just so messed up, and that you would have to be so screwed up and damaged to be the person who always jumps first off a cliff.

While Dean might not be saying much, he was still observing and listening. Mostly focused on the angel, of course, as she was the stranger here, but he was also attuned to the inflections in Ry's voice and the questions she asked. It helped him gauge how harshly he should be scrutinizing the unknown woman. Like he mentioned before, he was having a difficult time in that area as of late and needed a more level head to help him see reason.

She allowed Dean the chance to respond to the woman, first, as he knew her and would be able to answer with something that would hopefully ease some of the worry that was etched in her features. She didn't think Ry meant to show the worry, as she didn't strike Mac as someone that so easily revealed her emotions, but it was present enough that it was noticed.

When Dean finished speaking, she nodded her agreement. "I vow here and now that I will not stop trying to find an answer. And, should it come to the worst outcome, I will do whatever you both want of me." This was something she did not say lightly. Vowing such things, for Mac, was a binding contract. Speaking those words effectively bound her to the two hunters until her goal was accomplished or... well, she hoped it wouldn't come to that.

She didn't particularly like the way Dean had responded. There was a desperation in his voice that told her he would go to any length to find a solution to this. Which, of course, she figured considering the current conversation they were immersed in.

She allowed silence to fall around them for probably longer than was necessary but she honestly didn't care if it made either of them uncomfortable. She just wanted this to be over with, for Dean to stop getting his hopes up. Getting an angel involved was only his latest attempt at saving her. She dreaded the day that he finally came to the realization that she couldn't be saved.