Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they donât like it but because itâs really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so itâs time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you canât read the emotional road signs, youâre going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, âalthough I am about to rock your insides with 3Â 000 lbs. of explosives, hereâs a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.â Instead of screaming âOH MY GOD!!â like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous âooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.â Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thatâs French for âeat,â you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.
Break it down!
BE DOWN
Donât go down unless youâre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you donât want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
DONâT SAY HI TO DRY
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thatâs needed to get the honey dripping.
Once youâre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Thereâs nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure sheâs really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Donât play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womanâs pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once sheâs lathered up, itâs time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and donât touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youâre going away on vacation.
Though itâs very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Donât get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thatâs something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now itâs all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When youâre just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Donât spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thatâs the actual cunt.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youâre doing it right, sheâll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like sheâs been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youâre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steaminâ crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. Youâre never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Do your first lick super slow. Itâs good to groan and moan too. It shows youâre digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these âSt. Bernard licksâ before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If itâs real sensitive sheâll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means youâre probably in for an easy ride. If thereâs no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and youâre in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
ROCK THE BOAT
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If youâre getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard whoâs boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. Heâs surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden youâre giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area heâs the only one that canât be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks itâs time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that donât. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesnât really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and âOh my Godâ means bring it on.
CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now heâs on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. Heâs not going to tell you shit because heâs a clit and he has no idea what youâre talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like itâs too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but itâs a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As youâre closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. Youâre almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isnât over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If sheâs multi-orgasmic youâll have to keep going until youâve done the whole routine another four or five times. If youâre not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
CLITS THAT DONâT
Some clits donât want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If youâre getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesnât cum, youâre going to be in a foul mood, so if itâs too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
THE CONCLUSION
Once youâre done (totally finished) sheâs going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you donât move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
