you already are!

it's funny bc halfway through last semester, i thought i had to drop out of grad school or else i was going to kms, but here i am still in school and still alive! also ofc with all the protests more recently (free palestine!), i think i was just so drained of everything. on the other hand, i'm happy with the papers i had written in my classes and i just submitted one of them to a philosophy and education conference, i really hope it gets accepted... i also just paid my overdue housing fees and tuition for the summer semester.. LOL help

readings updates? i read milton's "paradise lost" over last semester for a class and it was absolutely brilliant honestly. genuinely i need to read the bible LOL anyway i had started reading iris murdoch's "the black prince" but i haven't been able to continue reading past the nussbaum's intro since my classes started again. i also really desperately want to read steinbeck's "east of eden" hahaha but i only have time to read stuff i have to read for classes. i imagine that i wont be able to finish reading dostoyevsky's "the idiot" and tolstoy's "anna karenina" either until after i graduate... it makes me a little bit sad, i wish i had more time. i guess that's why i haven't posted anything here either, since the reason i made a tumblr account in the first place last year was to ramble about "the brothers karamazov" and "my brilliant friend" and i havent read a single book for fun this year so far</3

admittedly, i've been feeling sooo alone..! one of the things on my summer bucket list is to start seeing a therapist but i still cant get myself to do it hahaha i dont think theres anything a therapist could say to me that i havent already thought about to myself. i think what i actually need is get diagnosed, is it autism or personality issues or ocd..? but what do i know, right! regardless.. i'm also just so busy with my jobs and with my classes and with resting by self isolating in all the times between.

hmm i've gotten five more piercings since the start of the year and i've been somewhat keeping track of time based on when i got my piercings and when i'll get my next one... i don't know what this means but it's just been a little concern of mine that i can't seem to ground myself unless i can feel a part of my body "healing"...

for certain reasons, i usually get overly anxious when the year ends and go crazy insane for the entire first month of the year.. but ive been so calm these days, im not actually sure if thats bc ive actually healed or if ive found good distractions. ive always been obsessed with at least appearing as if im put together, but ive been much more so this year than any other year... i hope ive been actually healing despite that tho hahaha

anyway! studying philosophy in grad school has been the most excitement ive ever felt! to be surrounded by so many thoughtful and inspiring ppl that i get to often talk to and listen to and learn from has been so wonderful. in the past months ive been esp obsessed with kants conception of perfection and god and goodness... im currently reading his "a new elucidation of the first principles of metaphysical cognition" and aaahh its just so exciting hahaha i really regret not studying philosophy for my undergrad degree and i worry i lack so much compared to my peers, but ive been enjoying every single class so far and am even more excited for my classes next semester!

ahh but having two part time jobs along with my classes and classwork has really made me so busy and exhausted... i quite dislike nyc in general as well, so that on top of everything else has just really made me become someone very antisocial and difficult to befriend and hang out with... im also stuck in the mindset that im just here to prioritize studying for two years and get the hell out of there, so my desire to make close friends (i socialize with my program mates superficially..) has been very low. im very much someone who wont speak/reach out unless spoken to/approached, and i didnt realize it was a such a huge problem until i received a wake up call from someone... so i think this year i need to work on being more aware of the relationships i have with other ppl in my life.

in general tho, i also just would like to be more aware of living in my body/physical self... less zoned out and stuck in my head, more going outside and moving around and cleaning up the spaces i use and ofc also being with others. i guess what i actually mean is that i want to have more faith in my being and actually love being... and these are just some things i can do to hopefully do that. i dont think i can be the kind of person i want to be that makes an actual difference/contribution in the world they live in if im not actually living/being in my body.

oh my goodness i am so sorry!!!! ive just saw this and november is already almost over too... :( grad school is really something hahaha

but to answer honestly tho, i tend not to read anything outside of assigned readings for my classes until the winter/summer break.. so i dont think ive read any books in the past octobers. i suppose there are some books that i might associate with this season tho? but i think its the usual classics that get mentioned, like wuthering heights, crime and punishment, etc?

uhm its like... not the usual sports anime i guess? i only watched it bc i just wanted something really short and easy to watch and i used to play badminton, plus ive had this on my watch list since it came out hahaha. also... ngl i have never seen it being talked about anywhere.

tbh i really enjoyed it! hahaha but as a sports anime, i guess its not that spectacular? i do think theres a lot about this show i really liked tho. most sports anime are about highschoolers, and sports is really all they have their eyes on. its their whole life and dreams. meanwhile id say that for rymans club, where all the characters in this show are older and mostly have office jobs along with being in a badminton team... and the main cast take pride in being both on the badminton team /and/ in their sales team (they also come up with a new popular drink for their company during the show haha).

i thought i could guess the main themes from the start bc well.. ive played badminton and sports anime can be a little predictable, like value of teamwork and getting over trauma from previous tournaments and stuff. but i wasnt really expecting anything like valuing the work you do outside of sports (being a "badryman" aka badminton + salaryman LOL), or doing something more suitable for you (one guy gave it his all and still lost a game, and he realizes that he would enjoy becoming the team coach instead), or family responsibilities vs personal goals (one guy is a dad! he says he doesnt regret quitting badminton like a decade ago after marrying his wife and taking care of his son, but he realizes hes allowed to pursue his goals as well with his family supporting him), or even taking care and not pushing yourself (one guy is not that young anymore and has an injured knee). obviously, winning these badminton games mean a lot to them all, but like... for maybe a third of the show, these guys were also just in suits and doing their sales job in their office, which i found really nice?

also im fond of souta hahaha... probably bc hes an older brother, and hes generally not that energetic and doesnt really put his all into badminton. at one point he was like "do i even like playing badminton..?" which was honestly relatable... ahh. i think in a typical sports anime, such characters will somehow find it in them to enjoy the sports they play and give it their all. but this guy only really tried harder when his partner (his younger brother) was running out of energy and souta thinks that he must do his best to support his brother and win the game together. his younger brother really looks up to him, but he himself doesnt feel that confident in his abilities.

it was also pretty cute that tatsuru inspired mikoto to play badminton when mikoto was just a little kid? and then mikoto inspiring another random kid as well. like!!! yeah!!! as adults, be kind to kids and inspire them!!!

(btw i just adore tatsuru, like hes just such a dude.. i love characters like him LOL)

it was just a short 12 episode show, so we didnt get that much into each character background, and each character arc was pretty fast, as well as the games they played too hahaha but thats understandable.

ahh unfortunately... dont expect anything cutely decorated from me if we're penpals. your letters will most likely only be a plain envelope. i think id be writing excessively in detail about my day/life and my thoughts/feelings about anything, and when i receive your letter, i hope to get a long letter about details from your life as well. so... if you would be open to something like that, please let me know hahaha

uhm! ig if you want to know what some of my interests are, you could scroll through my account? however, the point is that we dont know anything about each other and that everything we do learn about each other is purely through reading our handwritten letters. id prefer someone about my age (22) but any age is fine really. im currently in america, but id be happy to send letters internationally. altho do note that i can only write/read well in english and in little trad chinese.