en plein air.

In other news, I adopted a sweet cat. Moving away from my old apartment meant leaving behind two sweet kitties that belonged to my roommate. It was tough because I definitely bonded with them and fed them when she was gone. But moving out of that toxic situation is absolutely for the best, and looking back is the last thing I want to do. I feel like I finally have control of my life and home, and I’m excited to have two cats here that I can love unconditionally and care for. It’s a good feeling when you have a stable environment that allows you to be nurturing and relaxed and have fun. 

My new kitty is pregnant, and I’m taking her to the vet tomorrow to get her checked out. It’s going to be strange and sad having to give away her kittens once they’re ready, but it’ll be interesting to see new life emerging in this apartment, and I’m happy to be able to care for her and the little kittens once they pop out. I like the feeling of taking care of things, but I recognize that I sometimes put the needs of others ahead of myself. I guess it gives me a purpose in a way, but I’m still trying to strike that balance.

Living with my guy has been great, and I’m so happy we have each other. There’s more I discover and love about him each day, and that’s an exciting feeling. He’s turning 30 in a couple of weeks and has gotten pretty down about it from time to time. I know he struggles with depression, and the other night I broke down in tears because of how frustrated I was that I couldn’t do anything to help him. I know I make him happy and he is grateful to have me. It’s hard when you’re struggling with things yourself and can’t be the best all the time for others. Again, I know healing begins with taking care of your own issues first, then you are well equipped and ready to help others without feeling guilty or powerless.

Caution: This may be a long post about life stuff.

As the weather gets warmer, I’ve been in high spirits and thinking about how fulfilling my life has been lately. I’ve made new friends and have reconnected with old pals, and I’m just so very happy. I feel like I finally have some sense of control regarding the way I’m living, and that’s a nice feeling for an anxious weirdo like me.

A few months ago, I decided to try finding some friends on the Internet. I’m perfectly aware of how dorky that sounds, but I spend a ton of time on the computer for my job (and I work at home), so face-to-face interaction is rare compared to how much time I spend staring at a screen. I’ve joined friendship sites and meet up groups, and they’ve actually been successful! I met a few great gals I really enjoy spending time with. One, Xing, invited me over this evening to decorate eggs in the Ukrainian psyanky style. She’s a rad chick who’s into bugs and printmaking, and it was awesome to learn a new hobby, even though my creation was kinda rough and janky. It will still a ton of fun, and I was happy to hang with such an interesting and talented person.

Yesterday I introduced my friend Meagan to downtown Canton where I used to intern for a music magazine. She’s from Colorado, so she hasn’t yet seen all of Northeast Ohio. It was cool to stroll around the Arts District and shop for vintage clothes, eat tasty veggie curry and have girl talk over coffee and desserts. She’s a person I feel increasingly comfortable around and have genuinely wonderful conversations and experiences with. I got to meet her new guy the night before, and I’m really happy she’s found someone so much like herself. I always wish the best for her, and her happiness radiates within me as well.

A few days prior, I reconnected with cousins I haven’t seen in three years. They’re on my dad’s side of the family, and there’s always been a lot of weird tension and mysterious resentment with those relatives ever since he passed away. These ladies have always been sweet to me though, and they’re incredibly smart, educated and sarcastic. Our dinner conversation was great, and I felt good about making the time and effort to see them. Family is important, even if some stuff is weird, and as we get older it’s good to keep those folks within arm’s reach.

Last weekend I went to a friend’s bridal shower, a gal I’ve always adored and haven’t seen in a couple of years. It was kind of a frantic day for me, but I was so thrilled to see her and honored that I could be part of her special day. I can’t wait to see her get married and to keep in touch with her more in the future.

Things with Jason have been wonderful as well. We had a weird little spat the other night, but I’m so incredibly grateful for the maturity in our relationship and ability to communicate and put everything out there and be completely honest and work toward a solution. Our apologies are genuine, we ask questions about why the other person is upset and we make active strides to make life better for the both of us. It isn’t one-sided, and the good times we have together are so intoxicatingly wonderful. I’ve never felt so connected with a person and in such adoration of someone. He and I make a point to talk about our future and how (and how much) we want to spend it together. I truly love him with all my heart. The mornings and afternoons we’re able to stay in bed and snuggle and be intimate, drink coffee and watch stupid YouTube videos, tackle his cat and crack up at dumb shit are my absolute favorite. I’m so grateful we’re a part of each other’s lives.

When I actually think about myself and my life, from a very outward glance, I laugh because I’m kind of, sort of, becoming the person I always wanted to be as a child.

I’m a writer who walks and buses everywhere. I’m dating a musician. I have jet black hair and wear cat eye glasses and I make enough money doing what I love to be able to do the other things I love. 

In an attempt to recognize my worth, practice self love, etc. I REALLY LIKE MY OUTFIT TODAY. 

In the fall of 2014, after a long night of booze and fun, he asked, “Can I be your boyfriend?” I giggled and reached for him, smiled and said, “yes.” But I told him to ask me again in the morning.

When we awoke, he rolled over and asked, “Remember what you said you’d do last night?” It was a funny way of phrasing the question, so I tossed a few hints to him so I could be clear we were talking about the same thing. “That I could be your boyfriend...” he said shyly. It was all very middle school, and yet, here is this almost 30-year-old man nervously asking me to “go steady” or whatever the kids call it these days.

And now, here we are, a year and some change later. Snuggled in bed last night, we watched “Twin Peaks” until I dozed off. I woke up to him turning out the light, and we held each other and shared some smooches. “I love having you around,” he said. “I love how much you make me laugh and that I can make you laugh so hard that you cry. It makes me so happy. I’m so glad I have you.”

I felt that fluttery, girlish bliss that ran through my body when he first asked if we wanted to be exclusive. But, unlike that moment in the past, there was no small twinge of fear or nervousness or caution or uncertainty. I felt peaceful and so, so happy. 

So 2015 is coming to a close, and this is the time of year when people reflect on the past 12 months and make resolutions for the fast-approaching new year. I’m feeling thoughtful and nostalgic on this gray, rainy day, so I thought I’d jot down some things I’m pondering.

Many changes occurred in my life from 2014 to 2015, the most prominent, I suppose, involving my job and personal relationships. I went through an unexpected and quick breakup last year, and shortly after that time I realized how much support I truly have from those who are close to me and how readily others were to help me and be there for me before I even got around to asking. It truly made me realize some things, namely how little attention I paid to the folks who mattered most. I’ve been working to resolve this, and I think I’m getting better every day.

I entered a new relationship with quite a bit of hesitation, and over the past 12 months I’ve let my guard down and allowed this person to become an important part of my life, and I am so happy. We spent the holidays together, our families meeting and mingling, and I feel so lucky to have this person who loves me so unconditionally and makes me grateful to be alive every day. He has introduced me to people I have formed deep, meaningful and fun friendships with, and I can’t wait to spend the next year embarking on exciting adventures with them. I’m so lucky to be part of this new life.

Next year, I’d like to accomplish the following:

1. Drink less. Exercise more. 2. Plan a surprise visit to my mom’s house in New York. 3. Take more risks at my job. 4. Travel more with girlfriends. 5. Learn how to do some “handyman” stuff before I move in with my bf. (We’ve got a lot of home repair/DIY projects in mind) 6. Take the bus somewhere new. 7. Stop dwelling on the past and focusing my energy on people who have voluntarily shut me out of their lives. 8. Be the first to contact/make plans with friends each week. 9. Throw a housewarming dinner party once I move. 10. Give away a significant portion of clothes and other items I really don’t need.