reverant daughter hantrrowhant nonantgesimus

I loved how complicated and truly yucky this fic is. Oh my godd!!! Its so good!!! Its so. Gross!!!!!! So many things to talk about but integra's teenage sexuality intertwining with her extremely insular upbringing. So fuckingggg claustrophobic. Like this is the most incestuous u can get. Without being a nuclear family. The whole fic is littered w metaphors that are so elegant but grotesque but the one that stood out to me was w the blankets and walter.

She didn't want to sleep next to him. She didn't want to be part of his dreaming. She didn't have a choice. It was Walter or freeze to death. Soon enough she crept back to him, and tucked a fold of blanket between their bodies.

There is no place for her to go elsewhere! Even if staying means becoming an object. Becoming a doll for someone to project their desires onto she cannot leave! Both the cabin & the blankets (& Thee Home) i love how leaving the blankets means death for Walter too. And even though walter is her captor in this fic having grown up with him he's still one of the only sources of comfort & safety for her. He wounds her but tends to her wounds as well. Its like all her sources of comfort and safety are also poisoned. She's constantly tiptoeing on this tightrope the entire time. Having to manage her undergarments and hygine very carefully as not to expose herself to the hungry forces of the outside. Its sooo incestuous. The home is supposed to be safe but the home is the most dangerous here.

Also loved the exploration of her very very troubled sexuality. It makes sense that having been raised with the idea that all sex is rape is defilement is death is defeat & failure, it would all converge into one confusing tangle of desire. Its sort of the natural conclusion of heteropatriarchal ideas of sex. I feel. But it's heightened here. Especially being that the only people she knows really are the men she grew up with (& who threaten her rape in some way)

She wondered what it would have been like to lie down with the man, whichever one it had been. She listened to her pounding heartbeat and wondered if what she was feeling was desire. She suspected not.

Like she literally cannot distinguish between fear and desire because if all sex is rape so then fear is desire she doesn't know anything else. The Bitch being raped the porn mags and their disgusting masses of engorged flesh. Its so gross!!!! But her getting out in the end is so. Relieving. She hasn't escaped really but its still relieving.

I rly enjoyed it even though its so yucky and makes me sick!!!! Its like a fever dream.