Hannah 🌻

7. The sad thing is that whenever I check my messages, I half hope it’s you saying that you wanna give us another chance too, and that you still have feelings for me, but it never is

Why didn’t anyone warn us that love hurts? Why didn’t they tell us that love leaves you on the floor gasping for air to loosen the cement block in your chest? Why didn’t they tell us that love leaves you empty for days, months, for years? Every step, every thought, every breath feels wrong without you but I ate for the first time today since you left. Someone should have told me I wouldn’t be able to eat for three days. I should have known that every name but yours would sound like white noise but saying your name would start the shaking all over again. I didn’t know the weight in my stomach would never be lifted and I walk around feeling as though I’m stuck in perpetual free fall. I haven’t slept in days because I can’t bear to close my eyes and see your face again; dreams of your lips will only shove more glass down my throat and I’m not ready yet. Someone should have warned me of the memories that come like knives and cut through my defenses, riding in on the alcohol that has replaced my blood. The deflated balloon where my heart used to reside flaps in the wind, spilling drunken messages all over and mocking my every thought of you. Why didn’t they tell us that love was a machete and we were nothing but thin blades of grass? Why didn’t they tell us that once your heart has been broken it forgets how to feel? Why didn’t they tell us that love weighs you down until sitting up feels like climbing a mountain? Why didn’t they tell us that to love is to fight a losing battle?

I’ll never be busy enough not to miss you.

How do keep your heart soft when it’s been broken? How do you keep vulnerability in love when it’s been punished every time? How do you keep pouring love into others when no one will return it? Will your heart eventually tire out? Will it’s damaged walls finally collapse in on themselves? How can you be capable of loving again when you gave all of your love to those that broke you? How can you heal?

You gave me the bare minimum; enough to keep me around, enough for you to still have me. It gave me hope, and maybe that’s why I stuck around for so long. But I don’t want the bare minimum anymore. I don’t want to wait around on someone who will never come around.