OMGWTFPOLARBEAR

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The day after the fair, you let Poe sleep in while you did your morning chores and took care of the animals. You decided to clean up and do some bills and business inside the house. When you made your way back downstairs, Poe was cooking breakfast. Naturally, Cheddar was circling his legs lovingly. Or annoyingly, depending on one’s point of view.

Poe had made quite the mess already, but he looked up at you and grinned, so proud of himself.

“I’m making cakes. Um…pan-cakes? It’s under the breakfast tab of your favorite cookbook. I can't believe how much actual paper you have in these books. No holopads or anything but real paper. It's incredible. Are pancakes okay?”

Folding your arms over your chest, you couldn’t help but laugh. “There’s flour everywhere. It’s even in your hair." You nodded down at the apron he was wearing. “Guess your clothes will stay clean though.”

“Sorry,” he shrugged. “I tried. I think I burned a few so I opened the back door to air it out. That’s when Cheddar came in. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” you laughed, scooping up your little barn cat for a quick snuggle.

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After a long day of farm work and supper, you offered to cut Poe's hair.

"Okay, just lean back," you instructed, helping him ease his head back into the kitchen sink as he rested in a chair. You had draped a towel around his shoulders to protect his shirt.

He stared up at the ceiling as you began to spray water through his thick curls.

"Too hot? Too cold?"

"No, it's good." His eyes flickered over to yours, holding your gaze for a moment until you smiled sweetly and continued raking your fingers through his hair, getting it wet.

A low sound of approval rumbled in his chest without him realizing it.

"You okay?" You softly asked, hoping you hadn't pulled his hair too hard.

"Mmm...yeah. That feels good actually." You watched as his throat bobbed, his eyes drifting closed.

"The water?" You innocently questioned, squeezing out a glob of shampoo and working your fingers over his scalp.

"No. Your hands."

"Oh..." Grateful that his eyes were closed and not studying you, you went to work on massaging his scalp, gently raking your nails soothingly all over. "It's good for you to relax for once."

Then he did look at you with a smirk. "Don't start."

"I know, you like to stay busy, I know." Turning the water back on, you began rinsing out the shampoo. "It's just nice to see you taking it easy for a few minutes...letting me take care of you a little bit. You do so much."

His head turned in your grasp, causing your fingers to catch on a tangle. The slight tug made him groan, but he swallowed it down. "Are you serious? Take care of me a little bit?" He sighed, but there was no frustration in it. "Trix, you saved my life. You take care of me all the time, every day."

Your heart flamed in your chest, but you reminded yourself - it wasn't anything to indulge in. You had to let Poe focus on getting home. You couldn't have him for yourself. It was selfish. "You take care of me too, you know," you softly returned, finger-combing his wet hair before lifting the towel from his neck to towel dry it a bit.

He sat up straight in the chair which put him about level with your chest. His eyes traced the smooth column of your throat, noticing how your breaths grew more shallow as his breath brushed your collarbone.

"There," you whispered, kneeling down to his level, the gentle smile returning to your face. "All clean. How much do you want me to cut?"

He blinked at you, distracted, his eyes flickering momentarily down to your mouth. He dragged his gaze back to yours with effort. "Uhm, I don't know. Should you just cut it short, to make it easier?"

"Not too short," you tutted, reaching for a comb and standing back to your full height, if only to get away from his penetrating eyes for a second. "Not with curls like this."

He beamed at that, sitting up a little straighter. "You like curls?"

"I like these." You twirled your finger in the longest one before watching it spring back into place.

"You decide then."

So you did. You took your time, carefully thinning out and shortening Poe's wild mane, loving every second of it. He asked if you'd cut hair before. You admitted you'd only cut your father's hair for years, and your farm hand Chester's a few times. Neither one of them had thick curls.

Poe's eyes would drift closed whenever you would push his hair this way or that, finger comb it into position to trim the next piece. He looked so satisfied like this, reminding you of Cheddar rubbing against your leg.

Maybe he was missing touching someone. Someone back home.

"Who cuts your hair normally?" You asked, checking for extra tags and wrapping things up.

"We have machines that do it, but this is way better." He grinned at you.

"You're not used to someone playing with your hair?" You had meant to tease him, but it came out rather blunt and kind of nosy.

His eyebrows shifted curiously as he watched you bashfully avert your eyes.

"Uh, not in a while really. A long while."

You busied yourself, cleaning up the haircutting supplies, while Poe asked how he could help. He ended up sweeping up his hair off the floor and before long, the two of you sat down to watch TV on the couch.

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All of Poe's nonstop farm work must have finally caught up to him. Either that, or he was so soothed by his haircut, that he fell asleep on your shoulder halfway through the first television program.

You hated to disturb him, and honestly, you relished having him close, at least while he was unaware of it, so you stayed still until the next show came on.

Eventually, your fingers found his dried, fuzzy waves and gently began to twirl through them, faintly scratching at his scalp. He stirred for a moment, nuzzling into your neck before going still again.

This was such a bad idea on your part, but you couldn't help yourself. Making him feel good was like an addictive drug.

Before long, your head rested against his crown of soft brown hair and you found yourself sleeping right along with him.

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You didn't wake up until it was time for chores. Dawn peeked over the horizon as a rooster crowed. You found yourself lying on your couch downstairs, an old quilt made by your great-aunt tucked securely around your body.

Mortified at the thought of falling asleep with Poe and him putting you in this position, you practically leapt up, glancing around for him.

When you didn't see him, you darted upstairs, bypassing his bedroom to freshen up in the restroom and quickly change out of yesterday's clothes.

He wasn't in his room, and he wasn't attempting to make a mess of your kitchen, so he must be outside.

You found him brushing Annabelle, your gentler, blonder, slightly bigger horse. He was talking to her softly and she was eating it up. That sweet girl loved Poe from day one.

"Can't give you too many treats, can I, sweetheart?" You heard him murmur softly. "You're supposed to wait until I'm done brushing, aren't you?"

Then a beat.

"Don't look at me that way, girl. You're gonna get me in trouble with your mom. I'm almost done."

As tempting as it was to linger and listen to Poe flirting with your horse, you stepped into view, clearing your throat.

"See? Busted," Poe said to Annabelle, flashing you a grin. "She's trying to sweet talk me out of extra treats."

You folded your arms over your chest. "Mm-hmm, and how many did you already give her?"

His eyes shifted back and forth between you and the horse guiltily. "Two?"

You walked over and patted Annabelle's nose. "Good work, sweet girl. He's a pushover."

You picked up a second brush and walked past him, toward your chestnut Arzola.

"It's okay, I already brushed her," he informed, stopping you with a hand on your wrist.

Your mouth fell open. "You brushed Arzola. By yourself? She let you?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah. She loves me."

Reaching out to pet your feisty girl, you chuckled. "He got you too, huh? You girls are hopeless." You turned back to Poe. "Thank you for taking care of them. Did you get any sleep last night?"

Oh he did. One of the most peaceful nights he'd slept in ages. He woke up, half on top of you as you leaned heavily against the arm of the couch, his face pressed against the soft skin of your neck, arms wound around your torso. You were holding him too.

As much as it would have felt good to lay you all the way down and pull you closer, he didn't want to startle you. So he carefully untangled himself, checked the time, freshened up and began seeing to the morning chores as a thank you for his haircut.

"Yeah, I slept for a while. Thought I'd help you out this morning," he finally answered, licking his lips and shaking those thoughts out of his head.

You asked what he'd gotten to so far, and that's when he revealed he'd already taken care of everything except breakfast. You reminded him he didn't have to do all that, especially not as a thank you, but he just smiled and said he loved it.

"You wanna go for a ride, don't you?"

He nodded. "I was hoping you would say that."

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After racing across your fields in the early morning sun, you and Poe decided to make breakfast. It felt good to have a morning where your chores were already done. And sharing a good meal with a handsome man didn't hurt much either.

"I should probably confess something," he said cryptically, swirling his last bite of pancake through syrup. "I haven't actually slept too much lately. That's why I fell asleep on you so early last night. Sorry about that."

You eyed him curiously. "It's okay. Why aren't you sleeping?"

He swallowed down his last bite, considering his words. "Sometimes, I'm out there with my ship, in your old empty building where we stashed it. I've been fixing my droid."

You nodded as he continued.

"I've been working on my ship a little bit too. I need some bigger equipment. Tools and things." He eyed you carefully. "I was wondering if you could help me get some things. Maybe...maybe if someone thought they were for the farm, they wouldn't notice you needing them. I don't want to get you in any trouble."

"I know that," you softly returned.

"Once my droid is up and running, she can help me work on the ship, or at least restore communication."

You swallowed a heavy lump in your throat. "That's good, Poe. It's a good idea. I'm sure I can help you out with the equipment you need. The best Iowa has, anyway."

"Thank you." He reached for your hand and gently squeezed. "I wanted to tell you before there's a droid whizzing around here. Didn't want her to scare you."

You held onto his hand longer than you intended, toying with his fingers tenderly. "Does your droid...talk?"

Poe smiled, his eyes flickering down to your joined hands and then back up to your gaze. "She speaks binary. It's...like a machine language. Sort of. I understand her, but I don't think you will. Unless you speak binary?"

"No," you laughed.

"She'll understand you though, mostly," he went on. "She can probably help around here too." Then he wistfully sighed. "I just hope she can help me figure out how I got here."

Your thumb rubbed the back of his hand soothingly. "I hope that too, Poe, I really do. And I want to help you, if I can. If there's anything I can do."

He wanted to ask for your help. He wanted to sleep as soundly and safely as he'd slept last night, against your body. One of the main reasons he worked on his ship at night was because of the dreams. Vivid, haunting dreams of his friends screaming, dying, in the vastness of space, or their minds pulled apart the way his mind had been violated by the dark side of the Force.

He wondered if you had a tonic to help him sleep more deeply. At least that's what he wondered until you drove his nightmares away last night with your mere presence. It's why he awoke so invigorated and decided to complete the day's chores for you.

If only he could sleep that soundly again, feeling that safe. If only he didn't have to see his friends in torment when he closed his eyes, feeling like he'd abandoned them.

If only he could have met you in his galaxy. But as surely as he felt he must return to his own life, to the war, he was grateful you were not a part of it. Earth seemed, at least for now, the safer option for you.

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Poe: *laughs quietly* Everyone I've been with, man or woman or they, I've been attracted to who they are. I can just tell when we have a connection. That's what makes someone attractive to me. Sometimes it's instant, sometimes it doesn't last, but I've never, what did you say? Stuck it in dry. That sounds gross.

Nathan: Leto? What do you think? You famously give women parting gifts when you push them out the door in the morning. Are the ladies just in it for the gift bag?

Leto: *grumbles* ...I wasn't aware people knew about that.

Nathan: It's all over the internet. Some kind of jewelry worth under $2,000, a fancy hygiene kit, a gift certificate to some clothing store, chocolates, and one of your security guys drives them home. It's like a bribe so they don't run to the newspaper to tell everyone how bad you are in bed, right?

Leto: *annoyed* The jewelry is at least $2,000, not under $2,000.

Nathan: Whatever. Steven?

Steven: Me? I'm kind of a boob man, myself.

Nathan: Now we're getting somewhere. Elaborate.

Steven: Well, I like breasts. 'S not really rocket science. Big ones. Small ones. Medium ones. They're all lovely shades and so soft, all different. Some women have larger nipples, or dark ones, or pink.

Nathan: So, that's what you notice first? Boobs?

Steven: *almost snort laughs* Mostly, I'm just trying not to look like a boob. Doesn't even occur to me usually, to be attracted to someone right away. If I meet a beautiful woman, I don't really assume I have a shot in the way you mean. Takes me ages to work up the courage to look at her boobs probably. I like talking to people first off, then the attraction happens.

Poe: That's really interesting, because I know right away if I'm attracted to someone.

Steven: Yeah, but you're like a pilot and what. Handsome enough to be on posters and like, stickers and t-shirts and things. You'd get anyone you wanted.

Poe: You do realize you're very hot, right?

Steven: ...me?

Poe: Oh yeah.

Steven: Kind of you to say. Cheers.

Nathan: So, Steven likes to motorboat and Poe will hit on anything that moves. Leto likes women to open their legs and shut their gossiping mouths.

Leto: I don't know why I keep doing this podcast. You're especially bad today. Unbearable.

Nathan: Since no one asked me, I like dirty sluts. The dirtier the better.

Steven: Dirty?

Nathan: I don't believe in sugar-coating things, you know that. But I do believe in sugar-coating my cum all over a woman's face.

*disgusted groans from the room*

Nathan: What? Bunch of fucking prudes. If Anselm had said it, none of you would've reacted like that.

Leto: That's because Anselm's charming. You're not.

Poe: I don't know who Anselm is, but in the short time I've known Nathan, I'm having trouble understanding how you would get a woman to sleep with you. She might be attracted to you, but if she had any self-respect she wouldn't act on it.

Nathan: I'm rich and hung. Sometimes I let women dominate me like I deserve.

Poe: You're just not very nice.

Nathan: Oh, you're too good to come on a woman's face?

Poe: I like it more when she comes on mine.

Nathan: Like a 69?

Poe: No, just me between her legs. I love being with guys too, but there's something about eating a woman out that just... I don't know... I love the taste.

Steven: I'm right there with you, mate. Nothing like it in the world. I could spend hours licking it all up.

Poe: I love when it gets to be too much for her, but she wants you to keep going anyway. She's so soft and hot, and the way she'll grab your hair when she wants to come. How she grinds against your mouth.

Steven: Settle down with the description, my pants are gettin' a bit tight.

Poe: I like giving better than receiving when it comes to oral.

Leto: I like them equally.

Steven: I just kind of live in the moment. Do what feels good.

Nathan: I like getting more than giving.

Leto: That's the least surprising thing you've ever told me about yourself.

Poe: Are you any good at it?

Nathan: Giving oral to a woman?

*silence*

Nathan: ...yes?

Poe: You've literally never thought about it until right now, haven't you?

Nathan: *offended* Hey, if I go down on a woman, I make sure she comes. I’m going to the trouble, it’s the least she could do.

Steven: You’ve got such an odd perspective. It’s really worrysome.

Leto: There’s a lot to be worried about here. First: Nathan somehow makes giving head to a woman about himself. Second: I’m a little concerned he may have broken reality. I know military aviation, and that jacket you’re wearing, Poe, isn’t a standard issue bomber that I’ve ever seen.

Poe: It’s from my New Republic days, but I changed the patch out. You’re right, though. When Nathan invited me here, I knew right away he probably wasn’t living in my universe. Then, I stepped out of the transporter thing in the lobby and it was pretty obvious. Really interesting technology. I’ve already tinkered around a little with it.

Steven: Transporter? Like… moving matter across dimensions?

Leto: Nathan, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

Nathan: Look, it’s not a big deal. Some of us live in the same reality, some of us don’t. I’ve always thought I was the only person worth talking to, so when I started looking for guests for the podcast, I used my own DNA and followed that thread through space and time, and here we are. A bunch of similar-looking guys with diverse opinions and hair styles.

Leto: You’re bald.

Nathan: *frustrated* I’m not fucking bald! I shave my head. You’d probably look like this too if you did the same.

Poe: None of you noticed something strange was going on?

Steven: Strange is kind of normal for some of us, ‘innit? My boss is an ancient Egyptian bird god of the moon and I’ve got DID, just to add onto the pile of weird.

Nathan: The podcast’s supposed to be fun. Yes, I collect data on everything, but it’s not going to break the universe, like Leto said. He doesn’t know anything about it. Actually, there are a lot of versions of all of us. Interestingly enough, Leto’s a boring douche in every single one.

Let’s not talk about that, though. Back to the actual topic. Attraction.

Steven: To be fair, we were talking about how you’re bad at giving oral.

Nathan: Don’t say it like that. I get my tongue in there just as well as any of you.

Poe: It’s not a depth thing, you know. Most of what you’re doing is actually pretty soft, just on the outside, a lot of focus on the clit.

Steven: Yeah, and then you shove your tongue in really far once in awhile. Like, as a treat.

Poe: Steven gets it.

Steven: Like this: *wet mouth sounds*

Nathan: Oh, okay. This: *more wet mouth sounds*

Poe: And then once in awhile, here, look at my fingers.

Nathan: Women like that? When you…

Poe: They love it.

Leto: That’s interesting. Maybe because I have a beard, but usually I do something like this: *wet mouth sounds, shuffling around*

Steven: Oh, I like that move, I’ll be stealing that one thank you very much.

Nathan: Doesn’t your beard get in the way?

Leto: The beard makes it better. Trust me.

Nathan: Okay, so my fingers do this and my mouth is like-

Poe: No, flatten your tongue. Like this-

*bunch of silence with men trying to talk while simulating eating out a woman*

Nathan: Wait, wait, wait. This is a podcast. It’s all audio. People complain when we eat on mic, but this’ll be a whole other litany of complaints. Maybe we should just use one of my robots for this demonstration. Off air.

Poe: *sounds pained* Can’t we find a real woman? Please?

Nathan: Fine, but she’d have to be okay with the four of us eating her out. It’s not really about the fucking today.

Leto: *dryly* Have you met women? I’m sure we’ll find one who’ll agree to that.

Steven: This town has a very nice high street. Shops, restaurants, so on. Maybe we could find a woman there. Seemed like a busy place.

Nathan: If we walked into a crowded bar, I think we'd all end up hitting on different people.

Leto: So, it comes down to attraction after all. I’ll text my driver to come around and he’ll take us.

Poe: This is exciting. I’d like to see more of this world.

Steven: I’m just excited to find a lovely woman and spend an afternoon between her legs.

Nathan: I guess we’re going on an interactive field trip. I won’t be reporting back about this, so listeners, you can just assume we made a woman come so hard she passed out.

Steven: Mate, you’re speaking my language.

Leto: The car’s here.

Nathan: Cool. Well, um, I guess the lesson here is: when it doubt, eat her out. Until next time, I’m Nathan Bateman.

:: Trash Talk Masterlist ::

-part 1/2 taglist friends-

@silvernight-m @sosa2imagines @myhohastuff @twwcs @krakenkitty

@hopecomesbacktolife @julesonrecord @berry-mint @missingstevengrant @just-agirlhere

@mcthsman @readingiskeepingmegoing @youngestxhearts @qardasngan

@clemdango04 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @daydream-believer19 @howellatme

@iolaussharpe-24 @nathanbatemanfucker @bulletgoth @pcrushinnerd @still-drowning-in-moonlight

@minigirl87 @oscarssimp @oddballwriter @scarlettmoon98 @apesarecuul

Of course you all know @reallyrallyauthor and @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction - they write and post frequently, and have been around a while. Can't say enough about these sweetie pops.

@missdictatorme is around too so make sure you check her out, especially if you want the best banter, strong/sassy reader characters, humor, wit and scalding hot stories. And of course Dolli herself is hilarious

For beautiful prose and lots of yummy Poe and Santiago content, go see @campingwiththecharmings

For some incredible anguished beauty and all manner of amazing stories for OI, go see @moonknightly, who was definitely married to Marc before I was. Just read her new Santiago story and it got me good.

If you ship Rey + Poe from Star Wars, go see @virtie333. She also has a Moon Knight story (still on my list) and a Triple Frontier story (freaking amazing), probably others. There's one where Rey and Poe survive a snow storm that I'm still in awe of.

@whatthefishh - there aren't enough Rydal Keener fics in this world, but you can find them here, among others

@brandyllyn has a wide variety of stories, but lots of Poe and Santiago as well, including a story in my top 5 of all time, Alabanza.

@eyelessfaces - treasure trove of fics

@felix24601 - writes for a variety of fandoms, but has a lot of Triple Frontier stuff and some Moon Knight stuff. Amazing world builder and has some dark stories if that's your thing. Changed blogs, so message him if you need links/help

@howellatme -I consider howell the authority on Richard Muñoz, but that's not all she writes

@faretheeoscar - yes, the OI news sharing artist is also a writer!

@backp0rchpoet - everything is hottttt and i love their sick banners

@mysticalmoonb3ams - please just read these ok

MORE:

@ierofrnkk @ingoldthewizard @loki-hargreeves @ladywynne @nowritingonthewall

@nathanbatemanfucker @distracted-milkshake @toracainz @vintagegirl01 @writefightandflightclub

@winniethewife @xbellaxcarolinax @have-you-seen-my-sanity @cherryjennn @melodygatesauthor

@julesonrecord @ivoryfaked @silvernight-m @thexsanctuaryx @midgardian-witch

@foxilayde

I know there are more writers, I'm sorry if I missed a great one! Not all of the ones I've read have honored me with mutalism. And this is a moots list. Also, some of you may write, but I might not be aware if I couldn't find your masterlist, and believe me, I did a deep dive on a lot of people!