THE SECOND COMING OF CHAPMAN

This movie felt like something horribly wrong happened during production and it messed up the schedule and meant they had to make it in less than 5 minutes.

This movie was sponsored by Weed and Guinness and iMac.

The reviewers giving this 5 stars have got to be CIA-issued government psyop robots from space or completely out of their minds because this movie was the most inane, trite, ridiculous bullshit I have seen in a long time. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was already wondering whether I’d left the oven on at home. How people can look past the completely awful lipsyncing, nonexistent continuity, completely nonsensical scenes and hardly coherent plot genuinely baffles me.

AFTERTHOUGHT EDIT: THERE WAS SO SO SO MUCH POTENTIAL FOR INSTRUMENT BASED VIOLENCE AND THEY ONLY DID IT ONCE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. IF YOU THROW A CYMBAL AT SOMEONE THE RIGHT WAY YOU COULD CHOP THEIR HEAD OFF. IF YOU HIT SOMEONE WITH AN ELECTRIC GUITAR YOU CAN BREAK THEIR RIBS. YOU CAN STAB SOMEONE WITH A DRUMSTICK. YOU CAN STRANGLE SOMEONE WITH A MICROPHONE WIRE. YOU CAN SWING A MICROPHONE AT SOMEONE AND HIT THEM IN THE SKULL. YOU CAN USE A MIC STAND AS A STAFF AND SMACK PEOPLE WITH IT. WHY. WHY. WHY. DIDN’T THEY DO THAT. WHY NOT. WHY NOT.

THINGS THAT CONFUSED ME

- Why were there so many Americans in Ireland

- Why was everyone mean to Rick

- Why was the boyband singer still famous if he didn’t do anything with his life between then and now?

- Why was it so shit?

SCENES I DIDN’T LIKE (A Non-Exhaustive List)

- Why did I think, in one of the first scenes, that the two guys already didn’t like eachother, and that they were going to get into a fight right there in the opening of the movie? Because they were on the stage, lipsyncing awfully, looking incredibly awkward with eachother, bumping into eachother and giving almost dirty looks. It was only when they said ‘That was amazing man’ or whatever that I realised they were supposed to have some kind of chemistry together.

- You’re telling me they smoked 2 or 3 huge joints, drank beers, and then shared a whole bottle of whiskey and were still sober enough to play guitar and piano and write songs like regular people? Newsflash: Director Thinks This Is What The Music Industry’s Like (I guess it kind of is but the problem was the fact they acted actually fucked up for about 5 seconds and then went back to being totally sober canonically 15 minutes later.)

- You’re telling me Rick Powers or whatever got his whole family into a car accident that required them to go to hospital and he 1. Didn’t get in trouble with the police? 2. Didn’t get in trouble with his family? And 3. Was out of the hospital in the same night? I don’t know about Dublin but in Britain you have to wait at least 12 hours on any given night to get seen at A&E unless you’re in critical condition. Which they clearly weren’t as they walked it off and just kept living their lives like whatever.

- You’re telling me Rick Powers and Billy or Jimmy or Polly whatever his name was fell off the roof of a building, onto gravel, and ended up with only scratched faces and no broken arms or wrists or scratched hands or bruises? I know it’s action movie logic or something but when the rest of the movie is so incoherent it would help if something basic like that was done in a realistic way.

- Then Sandy shows up, gets a guitar, and lacklustrely beats the security guards with the most unrealistic sound effects once and they all fall to the ground, they escape, and then they don’t get chased at all? They just run off laughing into the night like nobody’s business? This world class superstar pop singer just got beaten up and screamed at by a wacko lunatic. And they do nothing. They don’t even call the cops. Do you know how cool it would’ve been to do some kind of police chase through LA or some Tarantino-esque fight scene that lasted for 10 minutes? So much potential for real action there.

- Rick Power getting into a private afterparty because some people he vaguely knows just HAPPEN to be at the gig? I know it’s not THAT unrealistic but it seemed like an easy way out when they could’ve made a thing of finding the house and sneaking into the party like spies or something. Nothing was difficult enough to make me want them to succeed.

- Rick Power telling the pop singer that he wrote the song about his daughter in the most nonsensical way possible - what do you mean you knew you would never write another song if you went on tour 2 years after she was born? I get it, but it took me about 10 minutes to figure out what he meant.

- Rick Power coming home to his family after getting into a car accident, losing his mind, getting kicked out of his band, ruining a wedding, running away to LA with his mate on his joint bank account with his wife to get revenge and possibly hurt a famous guy he met once WITHOUT TELLING HIS FAMILY and when he comes back they’re in the living room laughing with eachother and immediately accept him back into his home

- Everyone he knows making fun of him for thinking his song was stolen with no good reason to believe he was mental or annoying or something

- The final scene where they splice together Rick and Pop Singer singing the same song so that they’re badly lipsyncing EACHOTHERS bad autotune singing (shitception)

SCENES I LIKED

- The scene where Rick Powers gets into the hot tub with all his clothes on (surely his phone’s in his pocket though? And surely his family has been calling him nonstop to see where he is? I mean he did get kicked out but don’t they have him on Life360 in this day and age? They had a Ring Doorbell… I think.)

- The ending scene. It was okay. I like that the daughter found the footage of him singing the song so that he could claim the royalties. (But why is she looking through his Mac photos? And why is his Mac not passworded? And why didn’t he see that before? Is he stupid?

- The beginning where there’s something on a phone and all the middle aged dudes put on their funny reading glasses to look (real life middle aged representation there)

- When Rick made his daughter listen to a song and she was like nahhhh. Reminded me of me and my dad (he makes techno music.)

POTENTIAL:

- Could’ve been more violent

- Could’ve been longer

- Could’ve been more at stake

- Could’ve been braver

- Could’ve had better singing

- Could’ve had more drama

- Could’ve had more guns and violence and death

- Could’ve gone absolutely crazy

- Pop singer guy could’ve been way more evil

- Pop singer’s manager could’ve been way more evil

- Everyone could’ve been way more evil

CONCLUSION

I feel bad for everyone involved in the making of this movie.