growing, wilting, dying
you make me feel human
you build me up and I feel as I'm walking on air, elated and free
I soar up and up and up, there is no limit to this, no peak or barrier
I soar through the clouds and the sky, not like a bird, for they are limited in ability, I soar like I am my own
like no one or thing can touch me, all worries and fears and past, gone
like the wind itself bends to my very will
I feel as if I'm breathing new air for the first time, from blind to blinking away the darkness, from wool filled ears I hear a melody, from silence I find a voice
I feel new and whole again,
I felt happiness I could only dream of and wish for.
I felt noticed, important, seen.
I felt human, comfortable in my own flesh, insecurity pushed aside, with you I could feel emotion and all my pieces realigned
a lovely flower began to bud just because of you, just for you
but alas, reality exists
and I remember that I shouldn't feel this way, I can't feel this way
I don't deserve, to feel this way
I am not human, nor should I be granted the privilege of feeling as such
vile, horrid strings corrupt those wings, those feathers and leaves and petals that had been oh so weightless, so lovely and redeemed,
gnarled roots take their hold, wicked thorns grow beside the withering leaves
the flowers potential gone and replaced with its stone equivalent, the plummet to the earth below short and bittersweet
“there's beauty in the pain”, one might say
but no beauty lies here, as the stone bears down into the ground,
vines tear and cover, destroying any chance of life or love
it's a disgusting thing, the things growing
a monster lives in its midst, staying holed in the little stone, it's spores making the air near nauseating and foul
I don't deserve it
I don't deserve him
I don't deserve to feel the way I do
jealously crawls up my throat from its tomb in my heart
wraps around my lungs and squeezes until I can't breathe it's suffocating
I can't breathe
I don't deserve to breathe
it constricts my every word, movement, thought
the itch on my arms and body returning, flames licking at my scars
whispers in my ear of all the horrible things I've done, thought, could do
the temptation to let the pain break out of its shell, to feel something outwardly instead of the constant ache in my chest
to let it out and flushed down the drain
I want to carve my heart out, but it looks like I already have
your hands are bloodied
who's blood is that
I glance to and from, fretting and checking
but it's not your blood
no, it's not your blood
it's my blood
my gaping chest stares at you, as if screaming why
why
why
why is my blood on your hands
you don't deserve that you should be clean of my filthy heart and desires
why did it have to be you, carrying the mark of my despair
I wonder if others can see
if they can see the horrible thing I've done
see how I've put my life onto your shoulders, dirtied your soul and hands with my blood
a sickening view of how I've poisoned you
how is it that you clawed a piece out of me so easily?
you didn't mean to, I'm sure
it's not your fault
not your fault
such a twisted being shouldn't yearn for one in the likeness of you
I should be charged for murder
my own
I let you do this
I let you in and handed you the knife
I'm to blame for my own downfall
I practically begged for it
so why does it still catch me by surprise
why does it still throb and sting like a fresh wound
I want out I want to he free from this pain
to claw my own skin until I'm numb
to scream until I lose my voice and spit blood
to cry until my head bursts and the room is flooded
to bleed until there's nothing left
just to be free
I can't do this without you
I can't do this with you
the more I'm around you the more I want to be gone
the more i wish i never was here in the first place
but you make me feel alive, so much so it destroys all other possibilities of living
you make me want to die with every breath you take, with every word you speak and note you sing it tears my soul in two
-h.m.
