A DNF should not show us what we lack, it should show us what we do have, inside of us.
In the movie, âFast & Furious: Tokyo Driftâ, Shawn asks Han why he let him race his car knowing that Shawn was going to wreck the car, Shawn states that Han just lost a lot of money.
Han : I have money, it's trust and character I need around me. You know, who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are. One car in exchange for knowing what a man's made of? That's a price I can live with.
Iâve come to believe that the perfect race conditions donât exist, only our ability to rise and overcome the many challenges that come during a race.
Itâs that feeling that makes a race seem perfect after we come out the other end, victorious.Â
As I drove into Robbers State Park in Wilburton, Oklahoma all I could focus on, was that I only had $3 left in my pocket and less than a quarter tank of gas left in the Subaru, no job and the fact that I have been living in my car for nearly five months now as a dirtbag runner.
I had been struggling with doubt and fear from the beginning. And as my mind began to spiral downward my demons came out and I knew I would not be able to make it through the night.
When I race, I work through things and I knew that fear, specifically my fear of being alone was going to be my struggle.
As I walked into the dining hall the energy in the room began to slowly chip away at my fears. Immediately I was greeted at the check-in table followed by hugs from old and new friends, it was like a homecoming.
The next morning was another wave of emotions as I geared up for the day. My excitement began to overcome the temperature which was around 30ish degrees so shorts it was.
And with the sound of the gun we were off, it was 6am and the line of bobbing headlamps worked its way through the iron gate leading to the entrance of Robbers Cave.
This was my second time at the Outlaw 100, last year I finished my first 50 miler here. I was physically ready for this course, I remembered the terrain and how difficult it was, especially the rocks.
The terrain is unforgiving, the rocks seem never ending making this a fast hiking race and not so much a running race.
This year was different, earlier in the week the area had received a good amount of rain, mud and water were now added to the challenge.
It didnât matter if you changed socks and shoes the reality was you were going to be wet again in another mile.
I was okay with the conditions, what I found the most interesting, how when I reached checkpoints it felt easier to me than the year before.
Thatâs it! I remember saying to myself and I thought, wow, all the work is paying off!
Then evening came.
I donât like to be alone, with my thoughts in my mind. And is often the case with ultramarathons one can be alone for hours without seeing another runner.
The mental battle began.
Then Scott Bailey came up behind me, he saved me and kept me going as he became my unofficial pacer.
In that moment I needed him more than he needed me. So we stuck together talking and keeping each other company to shortys brothel aid station. We agreed to stick together the rest of the way back to finish that 13 mile loop. The time went by quickly.
We left Shortyâs as darkness began to cover the sky. Time went by so quickly that I thought, ok I can do this, we were moving and next thing I knew we had finished the loop.
I gave into fear at the Outlaw, my mind was some where else, focusing not on the race but the fact that I only had $3 left in pocket. I didnât know how I was going to get back to Minnesota, I didnât have a job lined up or a solid place to live. And rather than just focus on the moment and be present on the trail, I gave into my fears.Â
Itâs a hard lesson to learn, sometimes we have to really go through some deep stuff to really learn more about ourselves.
What I learned is that for me I still need to work on that mental toughness. How to step back and trust in the process and also that I need to ask for help.
Having a crew and a pacer would have definitely helped me. A friend had reached out to me just before the race asking to pace me, I should have taken them up on their offer.
Next time Teamwork will definitely get me to the finish line, âTeamwork makes the Dreamworkâ.
When I finally downloaded my Strava results I couldnât believe how well I had been doing. My mental struggle had convinced me that I had been doing worse than I actually had been doing.
And no matter what, I just did not want to get back out on the course and fight it out to the end.
Words of encouragement went unprocessed, I was dark in my mind and I couldnât get myself out.
There will always be challenging obstacles in our way, conditions will change dramatically, and there will be forces we cannot control. And All we can do is learn how to build the resiliency to hold a resolve to keep going forward. I should have focused on my next footstep and not what I didnât have in that moment, money, a job, or a place to live.
A DNF in exchange for learning what Iâm made of, thatâs a price I can live with.
I do know this, my heart is more full of love and deep friendships that I could not have imagined ever happening.
With a little bit of faith, some hope and a whole lot of love,
Danny
