Did you just grab my ass??

I have not been on here in a long time. Things were just to confusing for a while. The thoughts in my head are always all over the place and so random sometimes.

I came on today because I have a lot I feel I need to get out and just writing it won't help me. I need it to be in the world were someone, somewhere can at least see it. I guess it makes it feel more valid.

This week work has been hard. My coworker that I pretty much talk to everyday for the last 6 years retired. The person I thought might make it less horrible made a decision that makes him not a good person to talk to. Besides bitching about work and women troubles all the time he likely only listen to me talk to he him self could talk more about his issues. It just got old.

I am pretty sure last month a man on tik tok hypnotized me into finally kicking weight loss into gear. I listen to his tik tok and fell asleep by the end. For the first time since years and years of complaining I am 30 days into a calorie counting type of diet and have been trying to do more cardio. I lost 5 pound so far.

Who knew 5 pounds could give you so much confidence at the same time gaining a pound also took all of that away from me. My relationship with food is a complicated one. But this is the first time I actually took responsibility and have done something about it.

Today my thought brought me way down. I can't even pin point what thought put me in such a mood but right now all I want is to cry and eat some ice cream. Its been a weird week.

Before this week I was on top of the world it seemed. I was confident in my weight loss journey, I was feeling like I could do anything in the whole world, be anything in the whole world. Then that ended and I just feel tired, old, and sad.

I don't need everything to be perfect. I just need it to be ok.

Hello!!!

Still in the baby step stages of this whole “journey” I claim to be on. Yet I have not gone to the gym or consecutively woke up at 6:30 am like I previously mentioned I would be doing in my other posts.

BUT!!! I have been more happy as of late. I am finding my self smile more then being grumpy and well a BITCH. I do want to change my body still. I am still not happy with that.

While I drive all day for work I have time to my self to think and boy do I do a lot of thinking. What I think about ranges from past, present, and future things. In these moments I have energy that I tell my self will last till I get home at 5 at night and I will take care of these problems I am fighting my inner self with. But I get home so tired and do nothing instead. Why? Because that the easy thing to do. So I do it.

I am so lucky to have the husband that I do. He puts up with all of my bad shit as well as the good. Lets face it for a while there I was so low there was more bad shit then good. He loves all of me. The 30 to 40 extra pounds I gained does not bother him like it does me. He is still very attracted to me. He still smacks my ass every chance he gets and works in his boob grabs when the mood strikes him. The fact that he can find me desirable while at the same time I am hating my self is amazing!

This weekend I just did some around the house stuff. Work last week was really taxing on me. I am excited tonight I will finish the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book. Deathly Hallows. I was late to the Harry Potter party. I did not enjoy the movies till way later. Not to mention I was not a reader as a kid. I am a huge reader now. I am almost sad to see it go. I do have the Cursed child but I think I need a Harry Potter break. I read the first 4 book easy. But when I got to Order of the phoenix it took me 8 years to read. I was reading other book along with it like Hunger games, but mostly because I hate the movie OOTP so the book was not something I wanted to read. Once that was done I made it through the rest easy. I do believe the book are mostly better then the movies. Especially the Hunger games have open me up to wanted to read more movie books because of how much that does get left out. I am also reading a Titanic book, but that is just letters and stories from real life survivors. So it is easy to read with another book. I think I am going to finish up Divergent next. I loved the first movie, but the book was better. I did not really enjoy the second and third movie. And the fourth movie never came out so I am excited to see how it all ends.

I made another tumblr. Come to realize I have 4 tumblrs. The first one I made is this one. My true self. The second one I made was an anonymous one because I could not complain about the job I worked at or people I new. The third one was just for thoughts on anything and everything. Why I could not just do that on my original one I have no idea. The 4th one I started last week and that one was my battle with my weight. and me trying to get my shit together and finally do something about it. I don't know why I needed to make a separate one for that either. I wasn't hiding or anything. So i decided to combine them all here and just have this one! the real me and If you don’t like it don’t fallow or read what I have to say! The next 4 posts are the posts I am carrying over from my #4 tumblr and I am going to delete it. I may also transfer some over from my #3 tumblr as well. My #2 tumblr can stay just in case I might need it one day lol.