itās almost 3 am but i canāt fall asleep. not that i donāt want to but i chose not to and besides, thereās a lot of things going through my head. i am thinking about what the future holds. future, itās hard thinking about it. but as i think about it, i ask what am i doing with my life and i think iām honestly wasting my time. iām 16 and iām not getting younger as seconds pass and to think time is so precious, iām wasting my life even if i only have one chance. iām afraid to think that one day iām dead and iād start regretting things because when i am still alive i didnāt do this and that but what can i do? itās not that you want this then you can do this and all, after all, this world is not about what things do you want to do but what things can you do. itās sad. this world is unfair but fair as well because itās unfair to all. i thought a lot of times that i was born to get hurt but i felt foolish, i thought that iām the only one hurting when i was still 5 but then when i grew up, i realized that everyone is having a hard time but some of them tends to hide it through their happy masks and their positiveness. i got jealous because they are strong to do that but in time, i learned that itās not a choice to do that but itās a way to survive this cruel world. i open the television and see things that hurt my heart, seeing the world suffer while i sat there just watching, i want to do something but i canāt. iām just a normal teenager, born poor but is now living the average state of life with an abnormal type of brain and a brave heart. if i was born in a much better life condition then i can better help people but with my kind of life now, i only help them in such a simple way but when their thank yous is heard, my heart flutters in sincere happiness. when i was young, i loved watching the moon and the stars with pure happiness and time hasnāt cooled down the happiness that i always feel when i look up and see those heavenly bodies that i dreamed of being an astronaut but i grew up and realize that i canāt reach that dream so i need to find another path. i hate growing up and maturing because it hurts though i stay as a child in front of others because of my childish antics, they never knew the real me because i trust no one but myself. they met the sentimental part of me at certain times but they take it as a joke and they laugh at me, telling me itās okay when itās not so i stopped trying to show them the real me because itās tiring. they donāt get my trust and i donāt think anyone will fully have it when i canāt even fully trust myself because i made too many damned mistakes. my trust issues started when i was young, my parents would beat me up specially my mother, the physical torture would even went as far as bruising me but it doesnāt matter now because i canāt feel the physical pain but the lingering hurt is still there inside me, iām bitter. my mother made me feel like iām worth nothing. she told me iām useless along with other people, she told me iām ugly along with other people and they laughed at me while they humiliate me but iām fine. when people drop painful words at me, i can handle it, i put on an expressionless facade and act like itās nothing but when iām inside my comfort zone which is my room, i cry. i donāt if anyone judges me, i donāt care about their words because by the end of the day, they will remain as words but it doesnāt mean that it doesnāt hurt because they kept reminding me of pain and it keeps on re-opening wounds that never heal. but even throughout my swollen eyes, hurting heart, ragged breaths, i hug my pillow that had been there for me to hug for years when iām cold then smile bitterly but sincerely thinking that tomorrow will be different. i thought of killing myself a lot of times but i canāt because even if itās painful, like really painful, itās still beautiful and the future is mysterious. there are times when iād wish that i died when i was almost dead at grade three due to dengue but sometimes, iām also thankful that i didnāt because i learned a lot through the years. i thank Him for my life. I believe Him even though iām rebellious, i knew He had always been there for me. ām writing this so i donāt forget because my brain processes thoughts and then threw it to my subconscious which is inaccessible.
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