I’ve been away from Tumblr for a while. I’ve mostly dropped out of the RP scene, and even play time is pretty constricted. It’s not that I don’t love you all. I just don’t have the mental bandwidth.

So for an update... 

I was voted Queen of the Nerds at work today.

Because it was “World Nerd Day” and I wore my new shirt that has my high school's name spelled out in elements and says "I wear this shirt periodically". (Entirely how dorky it sounds, mostly because I now work as a contracted employee at my high school, sixteen years later.)

(Sidebar: Nerds come in all kinds, so please don’t make me “dress up” as a “nerd”. See also: How much further do you want me to take this nerd thing? Gimme a Blizz tattoo on my forehead and I’ll carry around a clarinet, a crochet hook, and a script at all times, yeah?)

And they gave me some Star Wars bobble head thing as a prize just as I was ready to leave for the day and alone in my row.

And I held it up to my face and under my breath I was like, 

She should go back. She loved the kids. She loved Xaph and Relke. Things were different now, of course, but she still loved them all to pieces. 

A twig snapped behind her and her ears twitched backwards. Her muzzle broke into a blissful cat grin. A twig. She looked down at her paws in the soft packed dirt lining the pathways. Grass growing wildly along the edges, never cared for, allowed to grow as it wished. She flexed her claws and felt the earth give under her, such a relief from pavement, from cobblestone. 

She huffed at the portal. Only a few days, she'd assured Xaph, in their nonverbal code. Guilt made her cringe. The kids... 

Relke had told her to go. To check in on Lena. To go have an adventure, a vacation. Rest up, he'd said. Xaph agreed, even while actively wrangling two children under the age of eight. 

So she went. She found Lena browsing Dalaran, and plastered herself by the mage's side. Lena took her out adventuring with some of the new people she was meeting. They seemed alright. But different, and not like Shadows. 

Finally, Lena nudged her away, resting her hand on Eladea's head fondly, "Go explore. How long has it been since you've gone for a run or rolled in the grass?" Ela had snorted at that, tail tip twitching, giving her away. Lena scratched behind her ears and smiled, admittedly looking more relaxed than she'd looked in a long time. "There's a place in Val'sharah for druids, I think. I hear it's very nice."

And that's how Eladea ended up in the Dreamgrove. Druids in all their forms, doing all their work and hardly any screaming children. The center of the grove was rather busy, but Eladea found herself a quiet corner with a nice swath of grass near the stream. She'd flopped down rather unceremoniously and stayed there for nearly an entire day. No one looked at her strangely for lounging in a tree in her preferred form. No one batted an eye when she didn't speak. She was a little nervous sharing a space with Horde druids, but no one lifted a hand toward anybody else, so perhaps it really was a sanctuary. 

By the end of the first week, she kept coming back to the portal, though. Her heart was through there, split into at least five. Lila, Aussie. Xaph, Relke. Lena. 

Lena sank to the cushions of her bed. Xaphias had made quick arrangements for her when they moved Shadows to the new Dalaran and kept her and Aussie well-outfitted. Her hand dipped into the inside pocket of her tabard, flicking the edge of the parchment within. Heaving a great sigh, she lifted her hands to her face and pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes. They were still puffy. 

Her tabard gaped in odd places these days. She was haphazardly sewing herself into her clothes to keep them from falling off her body, hardly having time to remember to eat. She seemed to have a headache all the time. She was short or distant with everyone. Xaphias had the good sense to merely cluck his disappointment in her direction, but Relke had eventually pulled her aside for a good upbraiding. 

"Lena, this is killing you." He leaned back against the pillar separating their rooms, giving her a critical appraisal. She shook her head and rubbed at her eyes before leaning into Aussie's crib and picking him up before he started wailing. "I'm fine." She nearly bit the tip of her tongue off as she cut the words short. 

But she wasn't. She was distant, forgetful, unable to keep up in the rare meeting she herself called. The demands of her eighteen month old son were slowly eclipsing everything else, including any stress over the current situation on the Broken Isles. But she stubbornly pressed on. Once Relke had pointed it out, though, she felt a tiny crack in her foundation, burying her face against Aussie's wild shock of black hair. Just like his papa...

Weeks later, now, she knew it was time. She was spiderwebbed with cracks and, moreso, she knew it now, sitting gingerly on the edge of her bed. The felling blow came when Rajeel challenged her decision. 

She unfolded the crumpled parchment and stared at it, tracing her fingers over the letters. Shadows of Argus, in her old, bold and forward leaning script. Her handwriting certainly had declined since. The undersigned hereby form the leadership of The Shadows of Argus, an extension of the Hand of Argus...

Her face fell slightly as she skimmed through the rest of the declaration. The campaigns they'd been on, the work they had done, all of it whirled in her restless mind. The stubborn part of her struggled. There is so much more to do! But, rationally, she knew it was time. 

She was tired. She needed this. 

One last brush across the page, her fingers traced the names at the bottom, all of their signatures looking strong and blustery and she smiled fondly. Nhadiya. Isadori. Maeorra. Glyllena.

Lena sighed softly, and a small flame leapt from her palm, catching the parchment. 

I just want you to know. 

I love you.

You matter.

I am here. 

I am beside you, angry, exhausted, broken, and wounded. 

I will fight with you. Beside you. For you. 

Lena. Stop. Lena, stop.