PIZZA PLEASE

I'm having motivational issues. Also because I'm not counting calories (for a few reasons, I'm lazy and don't wanna type on my phone) I think I'm fucking myself over with eating. It's so much easier to not eat too much when counting but I literally just can't count unless it's just checking or you know. I'm not gaining weight but I'm also not losing as much as I probably should be. A 6 day work out week with 10 hours of exercise a week should be enough for a bit faster weekly weight loss, but I'm just not motivated enough to fix the diet. Also I'm just talking about the past few weeks or even only days. It's an easy fix but the motivation just isn't there right now making it a cycle, and I think every one of us knows how big of a difference continuous bad eating does. Annoying.

I won't just deny myself foods I love, I know what it does to me eventually. Kebab might not be as good with salad as it is with chips but it's a 100% better choice and doesn't make me feel bad about having it.

It's funny how my brain thinks losing all this weight is gonna make me incredibly hot and happy and fix all my problems even though I know the change needs to happen psychologically. I wish I didn't think like this because the disappointment is gonna be overwhelming. I'm not just gonna wake up some morning and be hot and all that, that's not how it works. I'm still gonna be anxious, I still won't like myself, I'm not gonna have a bikini model body even if I weigh just as little because I've been fat all my life. I'm covered in stretch marks and the excess skin is gonna cover up all my hard work not even talking about the scar that goes from under my boobs down to my lower stomach because of a surgery I had that has nothing to do with any of this. I'm delusional. I'm delusional and my delusions are 90% of my motivation. Obviously I'm not losing weight to only look good but to a 20 year old who's never been skinny or even normal weight it's a huge part and I can never have it the way most do so sometimes I don't even know what's the point. Maybe I'll appreciate my work when I'm 50 and married and have children and I don't have to worry about my health because I lost the excess weight and didn't carry it for 30 more years so I can live longer. Right now though, sometimes I don't see any good in it. Stupid foolish brain.

I was over the moon 2 weeks ago because I'd lost 3kg in two weeks and today was my weighing day and I'd gained 1kg. The thing is, because of working out 6 days a week and my odd metabolism and getting bloated because of everything I don't know what it actually is. It's not that I'm worried or anything because I'm well aware the weight fluctuates but it's not very motivating. I guess I should also keep in mind that I haven't eaten all that well the past two weeks and there's been a lot of out of the ordinary occasions and meals I guess, but it's just so easy to forget about all of them and tell yourself you've been good. It's like I'm not even trying or that I'm trying to find a reason to stop. It's a long way to go.