a person (allegedly)

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

Artistic rendition using my masterful ms paint skills using a mouse:

You assess it. If you have a nut allergy, you ask yourself if this looks like a nut. If you have a shellfish allergy, you ask yourself if this smells like seafood.

Then you test it. You touch your tongue to it and wait a couple minutes. If you feel okay you take a very small super tiny piece and chew it a couple times and tuck it in between your gums and your lip and leave it in your mouth for several minutes while paying close attention to your body, and see how you feel. If you feel okay you swallow that tiny piece, and you wait about 20 minutes and you see how you feel. If you feel okay you eat a more normal size bite and you wait a couple hours and you see how you feel.

If at some point in this process you start to feel nauseated, or headache-y, or ill in any way, you decide not to eat that thing.

OR. You don’t eat it until someone you know and trust has consumed it and tells you it doesn’t taste of nuts or shellfish. And even then. You proceed with caution.

You decide for yourself. You exercise care in what you consume. You don’t walk up to an unfamiliar plant and scarf down a handful of leaves then scream that it should have had disclaimers and warnings all over it when it gives you diarrhea.

Trigger warnings and tags and ratings on art or entertainment are a nice thing to do for people. I try to do it. But we are all responsible for our own immediate safety. We are also social creatures who depend on each other, so maybe that means you don’t read or watch something until someone you trust has vetted it, that’s a great way to handle that. So is finding authors whose labels and tags you trust. But when it comes to fiction and the communication of ideas, there are a billion things that are fine for most people but bad for some, and no way to get a billion labels on it, so… you still have to find your own way.

Instagram poets could never!

no. tell me what you fixed. i wanna know what the glitch was.

you know those patch notes that are like “fixed an issue where if the player sat in a bush for too long, they’d become the size of a skyscraper” 

The dog:

every day it closes a tiny bit more

you desperately want to go through the door

but you don't

why?

you say you're scared. you say you don't know what the other side is like. you've never been there, after all

you talk to other people about it. they say going through the door is the best decision they ever made in their entire life. they say they've never been happier. they say that the door is still wide open and only closing very slowly, that there is still time. they tell you how much they regret not going through the door sooner

"yes" you say, "i will go through the door"