All You Need Is Love

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This weekend was a lovely way to go into the new school year, and I’d like to thank my wife for taking this pretty awesome picture of my moment of serenity out on the water; love ya babe. Also, before anyone asks, yes things have changed, but I think we’re growing into who we were always meant to be. Sure, it’s been more difficult on my end than I’d like to admit, but I’m feeling ready to finally explore this new avenue in our lives. #openmarriageftw

Question for all you Mickey D’s employees out there–patrons too if you’ve got the answer–I know I’m going to sound like an idiot, but I’m genuinely curious and I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, but seriously… What’s up with the lame sauce policy? One sauce for four nuggets? Sure, makes sense. Two with ten? It’s a little skewed, but I can make it work. But then! Three sauces with twenty nugs? BRUH.

Yeah, that policy is ass, there should be at least four sauces for twenty nuggets. I can’t tell you I know why that policy exists, but I can tell you that the best way to avoid it’s bullshit, is to start making your own sauces at home.

When you’re training for cheer tryouts and your coach suggests keto. I’d rather like, snap my neck doing a back handspring than give up carbs. Puh-lease. The Minnies are just gonna have to deal with a future flyer who likes donuts. Sue me. 

Good on you honestly, because there are plenty of ways to be healthy without giving up carbs. That and I think ketosis is essentially tempting the universe to kill you, since it’s not that far off from ketoacidosis. Also, fuck the Minnies if they can’t handle a beautiful women with curves.

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I’ve never known my mother, but a Happy Mother’s Day to all you mom’s anyway. I hope your children show you genuine love and affection every other day of the year as well.

Lyssa: You know they sell fun-sized candy bars the rest of the year long, right? Do they taste better because their wrappers are orange and black and have ghosts on them or do you just not utilize them when it's not a special occasion?

Lyssa: So... the newspaper's back to assigning me filler pieces again, which means it would be a huge help if you guys could answer this week's 'important question' for me: does candy taste better, worse, or the same when it's holiday-shaped?

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Is it too much? Be honest. #iloveweddings #royalwedding

Jelly Bean: And when did you take into consideration that having a /child/ isn't something that I want?! We had a /plan/ Gio, and you're the one who's trying to throw a wrench into the whole thing! You didn't take into consideration any of my feelings about the whole situation and you're being fucking selfish.

Jelly Bean: THE BEST TIME. SO. MUCH. FUN.

Pooh Bear: So what, now because I have baby fever you don't want kids /ever/? I take your feelings and your plans into consideration every damn day, and you /know/ that. I wasn't saying we should have one tomorrow, I was just asking you to /CONSIDER/ moving up the timeline.

Jelly Bean: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Jelly Bean: EXCEPT YOU DID. YOU DIDN'T LEAVE WITH ME WHEN I SAID YOU SHOULD HAVE. You stayed back on by your own personal choice so /technically/ you being stuck back at the cottage is your fault and I shouldn't feel bad about it. So, I AM going to go have fun with my friends. I'm going to have the most fun.

Jelly Bean: MOST. FUN. EVER.

Pooh Bear: I feel the need to preface my next statement with this; I love you.

Pooh Bear: GO FUCK YOURSELF, LEXI. I needed to get dressed, I needed to try and get over the fact that you completely shut me down about the only thing I've ever asked you to consider, that meant so much to me, and I needed to not say or do something I'd regret. It's too late for that now, obviously, but whatever, clearly my feelings aren't important to you right now anyway.

Jelly Bean: Oohh myyyyyyyy goooooooood kill me noooowww. Just because we fight doesn't mean I don't care!

Jelly Bean: Well, now you're stuck and I'm dateless. So, thanks. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Pooh Bear: I know that, I'm not an idiot, I was just telling you how it felt in the moment, okay? I'm not entirely chilled out, I know I should be, I know it's irrational, but it's how things are, so don't be surprised if all wine is gone when the snow finally frees you up to come home.

Jelly Bean: Oh, now it's that I don't care? God, why are you being so /dramatic/.

Jelly Bean: If you would've left WITH me like I told you to, you'd be here!

Pooh Bear: Didn't feel like it earlier. Because I can.

Pooh Bear: I'm not coming, so you can go ahead and have fun with your friends or whatever

I know you do, and I trust you too. It’s just frustrating, is all. Because I would never cheat on anything.  Especially things I care so much about. 

Good, so long as we’ve got that cleared up. I know it is, but you know the kind of person that you are, as does your family, so fuck what anyone else might be trying to imply.