your not yet favorite girl

"So, i did everything i could to achive it! But sooner than later, i realized that looking like that, made it even harder for me to look in the mirror. Not because the makeup, the style or the colors were bad.... they were just.. bad on me.

Instead of making me feel hotter and cooler, they just made me feel.... stupid and fake like i was trying to wear a costume and mask again.

To my dismay, I was actually exactly what people had always called me. Cute, softer than i would admit and very, VERY stupid.

Like those rabbit that bite cables!

And I did end up biting the highest voltage cable i could find! By having a massive crush, on a big, street dog, that had been eyeing me, a lot longer than i could even imagine.

That isn't what made me stupid! ... I mean, i couldn't have known! We all make mistakes!

I'm an idiot because when i saw his true colors (ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS) i still CHOSE to pursue him....

I was risk aware and enthusiastically consenting... FUCK, i really was stupid.

I hated having crushes.....God knows, i was horrid when it came to crushes.

I’ve made plans for possible income in the future that will also require my savings to go into them. And somehow a part of me feels heartbroken. Because I'm 21, and I have no energy to draw most days. Even though it's the only thing I actually want to do. It's one of the only things I've EVER wanted to do.

And on most days, like today, I think of every person I know who is going to art college. From my school or not, doesn't matter. Because all I feel is jealousy. Not because I want to go to art college, but because they have so much time on their hands to do the thing they love. Because their family supports their dreams, because they have 5 more years of their lives that they can spend dedicating to the thing they love doing.

What I wanted to do when I was a kid, was to watch as many cartoons as possible. Then, when I grew up a little, I wanted to be an animation YouTuber. I grew up a bit more, and I decided that I would be an art teacher instead. But as a few more years passed, I realized that I didn't really like school systems and their artistic programs. Soon enough, I was back to wanting to be an animation YouTuber.

Soon enough i tried, and soon enough i realized that i don’t enjoy animating. It takes time and energy that i simply don’t have anymore. And it takes for me to stay as the same person for far too long in order to still resonate with a project.

Lately, I've been thinking of just doing speedpaints of YouTube with a voice-over, or trying some other alternatives.

But I know that I don't like my life as it is right now.

A few months back I fell into a depressive episode that was almost as bad as the one I had when I was 15 and wanted to take my own life.

I don't want to live like this anymore. And I think I'm starting to be more and more willing, to put all the required effort to change things I do out of necessity to things i do out of love.

Because I missed the little girl who couldn’t wait for another episode of Adventure Time or Gumball or whatever was going to be next on TV.

I miss the girl who was willing to put in the effort to fail in the things she loved, because she would still be doing them. I miss the girl who is still inside of me, and is my biggest fan and supporter.

Named after a Shakespeareans play, Mira refuses to use her full name. Believing that it makes her a walking proof of her families obnoxious stuck upness and classism.

Her name serves as a constant reminder of what her family had expected her to be! Perfect, before she was even born.

A Designer Baby, that grew up sheltered, with her life planned out and health complications taken care of.

Only for her to become an alcoholic, run away, and start a life in a hellhole of a city, in which she could barely afford a third of her necessary doctors visits.

Being too out of touch for most people, she finds it hard to form proper connections, and end's up just as reserved and self critical as when she was with her picture perfect family.

Her disconnected from reality view of the "lower class" and the "less fortunate" creates an even bigger gap between what she believes and her life. As she doesn't recognize her own lifestyle, change into a "lower middle class" individual.

Because of the same disconnected "distant" from herself image of "the people she used to feel bad for", she doesn't recognize her alcoholism as an addiction, and doesn't consider rehabilitation to be necessary.

Her upbringing leads her to a dangerously unhealthy belief that "everything can just be fixed, because there is systems created for that" as she doesn't see the gray areas of struggle. That makes her naively positive in her desire to help people, while her alcoholism becomes an ironic representation of the gray area she cannot yet see.

Her desperation for connection, closeness, and protection from a world that rejects her and man who want to use her makes her turn a blind eye to many red flags. As she eventually gets in a relationship with the red flag man himself!

Than love wins or some shit. Idk lol.

They are both horrid to each other in their own ways, but begin to see that not everything can work the way they think it can.... but it can still work.

She is those little cute rabbits that are bread for tiny competitions, or to be sold to some rich people that can spoil them rotten as long as they look all good and fancy. In a perfectly comfortable cage, with a life reduced to "being shown off" to family and friends. So fragile and used to their tiny perfectly curated lives, that they have barely any odds to survive the real world.

And BB is a big, aggressive street dog. Living a life full of freedom, hardship and survival of the fittest. Sadly, his life lacks gentleness, softness and care.