My safe haven

For the first time I'm reading the song of Achilles and 🫣 I might do a blogging session of what I'm thinking and noting down. I might be wrong about some things so I hope Achilles - blr and Greek mythology - blr won't eat me up.

Crazy how I was walking around since 2019 feeling like shit my period just going AWOL and being told it's normal and I'm just overweight Blabla after my gallbladder removal. Now I got diagnosed with PCOS/ Insulin resistance to join my Hypothyroidism and a very bad vitamin D deficiency and my new doctor who the first 5 minutes of me having the initial appointment with him where they go over who you are, family and shit knew what I had looked at me and was like "well we did know Insulin resistance was going to show up and you have PCOS." Then he paused and was looking at me like how is this woman even sitting here and was like "Yeah.. where going to blast you with vitamin D for the next 2 weeks and then you can go down. I don't know how you did it but glad you came to me.". I was like ?!? My vitamin D was like... 4.2 .... Healthy is 30+ . So yeah I was beating myself up and sobbing and just not doing well and now I'm the second week on vitamin D+ K2 and Myo-inositol and a new diet and I'm ... Oddly fine. I did have 3 nocturnal panic attacks but maybe my body is like 🫣 I'm normal? Nah lemme panic something is wrong. Meanwhile I'm in the middle my third one like "I don't have time for this... Lemme go back to sleep."

I do not have friends anymore, no lover, nothing to do in real life, no one I interact regularly with online. Maybe I had made a mistake, to do what felt comfortable, to cut ties when I moved on to a new job, new school, new town. Because when I came back I was all alone. I could reconnect but there is something deep inside of my head that says I should not. Then I think about former online friends wondering if I should have apologized even though it was not my fault for them making up things that was not true in their head. Maybe I should reconnect again but then I wonder, would have life genuinely been better if I had had them around now? They suffocated me and then blamed me only for me to watch them go back to people they talked bad about behind their backs.