too tired to do things, so i didn't
okay. well. i got out of bed around 9am, then ate any food, went to the new dentist (long trip), chatted with a friend, cooked and ate dinner and washed all the dishes before 11pm. did not, like, paint my nails or hang up my clothes or answer all my emails (tho i did answer some texts) but. i was Tired
neither homework nor sleep happened.
at some point i got really good at living in a bubble of "this can be put off, i will do it later, it's fine" and that's. y'know. probably Ye Olde Mood Disorder Every 3 Years Or So (?) talking but if it is a conscious habit, or even a habit, i could change it, i could control something, i--
ugh. fuck. djdjdjjffjfjfjfj. this isn't okay.
this has been a hard week.
what will be good to do in the next hour? i can open my laptop and try to work or i can sleep. i want to brush my teeth and then sleep for just an hour. just an hour. then i can work.
(i should've decided this an hour ago when i said i'd decide in 10 minutes but OH WELL. TEETH, PISS, SLEEP)
well. that i had slept instead of staying up with the vague hope "i can do this, i can fix this, i can i can i can" while being debilitatingly tired and in fact not capable of doing that.
my head feels clearer after a *one hour nap.* that's fucked, actually.
ok. remonstrations about the past over. what now.
i want SO BADLY TO SLEEP.
what is it exactly that i am burning to do? not fail. not fail. do what i can to succeed. every stupid little thing counts and was due at midnight and i have two hours before it is just an awful way to treat a teacher and i feel so [bad] about not [being a Good student] in either the "doing the work" or "caring about learning" way because avoiding failure is a negative motivation and not an affirming one. also. i Haven't Done The Tasks.
sorry. not having a great time but i want to live.
feeling like i have Already Failed is not very conducive to like. doing things.
least bad version of today: i get everything turned in within the hour, eat some food, review for real, take a cat nap, drink some caffeine an hour before class, nap after class mb?, eat more food, paint my nails, BED AT 9PM
next best version: i turn in everything by 8am (2hrs), etc
worst version: i simply do not turn everything in, get no points, and have to do *exceptionally* well on my exams 2 live. which i don't want to do.
thus bare minimum is Turn In One Thing, I Beg You.
no matter what actually happens i am going to feel bad, because i had one (1) solid hour of sleep. which while better than 0 is atrocious for a week where i genuinely had, like, 0. HOWEVER. i will feel *better* if i turn in literally one thing. what's easiest. c'mon, love, you can do it, come, come on
fucking up a bit this week does not mean you are doomed forever. also i genuinely believe this would have been easier had i slept more. and listened to audiobooks less, and made it a goal to at least talk to my roommate every day if not to leave the house, because that reminds me i am a person who must do person things.
got dressed. it is not defeat but the handling of defeat that makes a man. take heart! have courage! stand up again! all is not lost! hope is a skill you can learn to wield! what is knowing but learning and learning again!!
look at the skill and spirit with which i rise from that which resembles the grave but isn't!!!
oh no task one was Very Easy. except my computer is slow. fuck. i suffer for nothing??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TABS. WHY CAN I NEVER FIND ANYTHING. WHY DON'T THE ASSIGNMENTS MATCH THE FUCKING SYLLABUS, BRO.
ah. yes. i...am deleting the sentence i typed just now, it wasn't kind or helpful.
turning anything in is a good thing to do and i have done one thing. i'm sick with shame and fear but i *have* done one thing. so that's already the absolute minimum met and the rest is drag.
ok. well. the exercises that were on a different tab are many but also actually look fun??
what is the Points Breakdown. if i can't do everything can't i at least maximize Points
at this point let's grab a timer. ok. progress Is Happening.
stop the hw due today c. 9:30? so 2 hours from now? and review the reading worksheets that are overdue
this is taking an overwhelming amount of time and i wish i were done with it.
what's the pattern of my life to be?
Su - readings w/friends; hw due somehow for M (aaaaaaaaa)
Th - break!? type Su stuff? any appts
F - hw for Su; review vocab
Sa - game with friend, groceries, maybe poke Su stuff and be sure M hw is done + turned in
where is my body without needs and my self without distractions. what do you mean that's impossible.
GAH ARGH AHH GARGH!! y'know!?
would love to have clean sheets this weekend. could probably swing it if i put the ugly sheets on my bed tonight.
formatting hell bad but i can't fix it, I can only move on. i think i started this at, like, 7? and it is 8? possibly longer?? and so much of the pain is just. formatting.
and the rest is my brain Not Working.
i'm gonna humiliate myself and die--babe being embarrassed has not killed you even one time. you have known people who killed themselves in shame but only getting a maximum 95% in a class is just not worth being ashamed of. *you* are paying *them,* the exam score is laughably low, this is not for academic credit, i know and understand and appreciate your desire to do well but babe. you have taken like...20? 22? language classes in your life at the high school level or higher and failed none of them. all the ones that had grades you got A's in. i know it looks awful and you're full of despair and hatred but it would be *wildly shocking* if one bad week is not something you can get over.
i did almost fail a high school class halfway thru, pulled it to a C, and got a final A. things have been difficult before. but
there is no reason to expect you cannot do this.
you have many times shown up with absolutely nothing done and it feels awful and you hate it but you survive it and continue to love language classes because you love languages. this is like. my most abiding passion in life.
is the grammar worth doing? yes and no. i think i can wing it; i would like to preview all of it.
i want to print the other readings and work on the horrifying worksheets of doom that are overdue.
(also: you can turn in overdue things. late is better than never. you HAVE TIME. not much this morning but in general? you have time.
the goal of the next ~6 weeks is to host your friend, sell your car, and LEARN so you CAN pass this class while eating food and sleeping. everything else can wait and i am not kidding.)
why are my outfits always better when i'm stressed. like wtf man who called for that. why isn't the secret sauce, like, fun
ok! yes! an hour ish! to prep for the next (probably excruciating) 3 hours!
- grab articles as instructed✅️
- die?? oh right i wanted caffeine✅️
why did i want that. no. leave it, i've only had a little and already feel More Awful
these next two feel Too Big and my me feels Too Small.
- grammar skimming literally any% we are gonna be so gentle and generous do not fuck this up for me✅️
wow class is SO NICE AND ENERGIZING. HIGH
after class i have a life:
reply to N and see what S said about K
i would do anything to sleep
gummygunk
izzy806
dededos
jbbartram-illu
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
