for once in my life it feels like motivation is a relevant stat?
like. factors impacting work
- motivation (desire for grades/approval, desire for relationship with instructor, inherent interest in the work, fear of punishment/loss)
- wellbeing (am i fed and clean and rested; am i generally happy and physically well or in upsetting or painful circumstances; am i socially connected or isolated; do i have choices)
- capability (difficulty of the task vs. reward of task; does it feel like the task is helping me grow and learn new skills; do i feel up to the challenge if i do not currently have the skills) (very easy things often get put off by virtue of ~too~ easy) (annoying things often feel a) unhelpful and b) difficult)
- routine/schedule pressure (are there clear deadlines; do i have scaffolding; is this my only task (derogatory) or only task (positive, a relief); am i balancing tasks (yay, productivity!) or being overwhelmed by them; do i have other people who care about me getting it done)
- i feel like there is something about "novelty/independence"? like. i am Bad at typing up notes even if i really care about the project and think it's an essential path, because it's retreading old ground for 20 minutes to an hour. i am *great* at writing papers because each paper is something New and Fresh and Exciting. i am creating something from nothing! i am the ultimate master of its final form!! my voice IS the world!!!
...i do not like word counts or detailed rubrics or "this is what your outline Must Be" or grant applications divided into formulaic sections
i *do* like following CMOS because that's a fun little details game
- anxiety management? i don't often do things that are Big Scary until i convince myself they're fine. god knows *why* some things are so Big Scary but my guess is usually something tied to my ego, where success feels like Who I Am, means failure also feels like Who I Am. (and stepping away from that identity-driven approach *can* be really helpful but also. if i'm not A Person Who Does Things why would i go to all the hard work of doing things??)
"do i care about it" is NOT the only question, if my sleep schedule is fucked and it's boring it's not happening. if i'm sleeping fine and i have friends but no one knows when it's due and no one cares but me: probably not happening!!
so. currently i am, in fact, like. Deeply Fucked?
- multiple people i respect have said "this teacher doesn't seem great," i'm not sure my grade matters/if anyone will know about it but me, and the work feels so formulaic and pointless even the stuff that nominally is interesting Isn't
- all of the work is TEDIOUS.
it's all "here is exactly what to write, in exactly the right answer, and there is a definite right or wrong, and it's not about the underlying principles or thinking. it's just The Grind."
some of the work is both tedious and difficult, and the difficulty *should* suggest that it's beyond my skill level and thus an opportunity to grow, but
a lot of the difficulty is also "hey. type 500 things till your hands hurt"?? which is just not fun??
- there is A Final Deadline that is clear. i have the normal amount of scaffolding, probably
- IT'S SO BORING AND WHAT I DO DOES NOT MATTER. "IT ONLY MATTERS THAT IT'S DONE" = OK??? SO IT'S WORTHLESS?? the process counts for nothing??? it's better to use the answer key so she can give me a grade than to do the exercises and that's been clear from basically week 2?????
assign me things that matter!!!!
if the process matters and the tedium doesn't find a way to measure the process!! if the work is just to practice make it optional and give me other ways to show my practice!!
i am just one guy with one short life and i do not want to waste it copying out work someone else has already done for me so we can all smile and pretend i've learned something.
and EVEN THE RESEARCH PARTS are "include these 8 points labelled as such. do not rearrange. pick a passage of so many words, not longer." and like. !????
i would literally like this rubric SO MUCH MORE if it were just "make sure you include all these things." i can include things! i love including things!
but i would make it real. i would actually write a paper including the things.
and it's just NOT WORTH IT to WRITE A PAPER and then TURN IT INTO A RUBIC-BASED BULLSHIT ASSIGNMENT ANYWAYS!!!
i hate this and will turn into a dragon and eat the rubrics!!!!
...i used to feel this way about outlining and now i love outlining. outlining is great! it's so useful!!
i already KNOW how to write a summary and how to ask questions and how to translate and how to identify when a paragraph is difficult for me personally, oh my fucking god, this is NOT a generalizable skill
1. don't care about the teacher and care less than i want to about the grade or the waste of money
3. doing the work is hateful to me and feels like a pointless waste of time beneficial literally only for proclaiming me a Good Student and not at all for like. actually being a good student, i.e. a person who learns things via the class and is pleasant to other people during it
well. not doing homework is unpleasant for the teacher who doesn't want to give you a bad grade.
if i don't do things i will fail (see 1). i don't actually want to fail but it's REALLY hard not to (see 2, 3).
- arguably the 2 research projects you've started
- at a *stretch* the 3rd one that you have barely started, it kind of ties into your general interest in academic systems
the teacher has also said, in addition to the answer key thing, that we can just do what's useful to us from all the tedious makework things.
sometimes i'm like. "okay. i personally hate this and feel it is equivalent to peeling my skin off with violence, but this thing i hate IS really useful to people who aren't me, and maybe most people won't practice on their own (don't think i believe this but it's the argument), and maybe, MAYBE, even if i do fake work in a fake way it will benefit me"
i want to do real work in a real way!!! i want to care!!!! i would genuinely *develop my own practice sets* and find a way to grade them if that were an option. it would be pressure in a potentially anxiety-inducing way but it *could* be really good and meaningful and i could tie in what i'm learning on my own and and and anyways
not the time for fantasy land or post-mortem. it's just time for mortem
ok. clothes, food, vocab list
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