I wanna be in the sequel!

*gordon ramsey at a kink party voice* cockwarming? you call this warm? it's bloody burnt that thing is. you've cremated it, it's naught but fucking ashes! *turns around and sees a pup* for fucks sake there's animals in the kitchen too. he's got fucking paws and he could cook a cock better than you

When I was a kid I asked my therapist if I should be worried that my internal voice was being narrated by Wheatley from Portal 2 and he deathly serious asked me if Wheatley ever told me to do anything to my friends or family

can the skinnyfat homie rockin the cargo shorts hit it just this one time

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

It is imperative that the customer remain unaware that employees drink water, it frightens and scares them to think of an employee as having human needs

got my first ever official customer complaint because when i was going over the terms of their life insurance they were like "well i don't plan to die" and i was like "well you're going to"

It's actually super unethical to keep a peeve as a pet

i was abandoned as a baby & raised by a wild pack of cigarettes

You may have gathered from my recent posts that at this point in my life i am more or less just walking around all the time