tell me father,
which to ask forgiveness for:
what i am, or what i am not?
tell me mother,
which should i regret:
what i became, or what i didn’t? i know i am an entire person,
but it doesn’t always feel that way.
it feels like:
— i am transparent.
it feels like:
— half of me has disappeared.
it feels like:
— i am a greenhouse filled with ghosts.
maybe i am not yet dead.
but i am still a ghost. and, still, i rot.
❝ — they aren’t mine either, matty. but — trish deserves something nice — she’s been so good to me. and has taken such good care of me. don’t you think we should do something —? ❞ there’s such hopefulness in the eyes of ava starr, it’s surprising even herself. still she trails off for a moment, pondering her own incapabilities. sure, she can steal from anywhere. rob anyplace. gather whatever information or people or objects ones heart could desire — but what do you find for a woman who can literally buy herself anything? ava isn’t sure. she’s never needed to give a gift before. ❝ she — she means so much to me. and i know she hasn’t been having the easiest time lately — i just thought — never mind — it’s probably a foolish idea, anyhow — ❞
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he doesn’t know ava starr very well. far from it in fact. she was a friend of the shield agents— a friend of the ants and wasps. he knew that much. and. she was— sickly? ill. he could tell that much just from looking at her. didn’t have to be told. (she flickered between planes like a lost memory. between living and dead. real and unreal. it reminded him of long, long memories. and how you faded away when someone finally stopped speaking of you.) thor was never one to say no to a friend, though, so when the opportunity arrived– ava at the avengers headquarters following someone for a meeting— he took it upon himself to start to get to know her. so. consider him shocked when a little less then three hours later— she’s asking this. he’s. confused. just for a moment. just until he sees the way her body shivers. the way her eyes droop. the ache that’s radiating off every part of her. “ —of course you can, ava. do you need a blanket, as well? you don’t seem well. “
you don’t seem well. perhaps that’s an understatement. but it’s been — how many years now since she’s last seen janet? quite a few. and without access to the pym particles — no. she won’t allow herself to fade from this earth. from existence. she will not allow her cells to tear apart until she’s reduced to nothing but subatomic particles adrift in the universe for eternity. the pain — it CONSUMES her, each microscopic cell a firework in its own right, and oh, how her entire body is aflame. it’s this pain that makes her desperate — and this desperation that makes her cruel. yet ava starrs wants not to be cruel any longer. ( but how do you cope when the worst possible thing has happened? when you can barely concentrate on a conversation because everything. hurts ) — she’s. here but she’s not. she’s corporeal, not only a ghost in name but in ontology, but she’s grateful, at the very least, for the opportunity to lay her head against thor’s muscled shoulder — a challenge to stay tangible, upon which she has something to focus. ❝ ── no thank you. i — i’m used to it ─── a blanket won’t help me — it’ll probably just — fall right through me — uhm — i’m sorry to bother you. i should — go —? ❞
Hayden softens at the sight of her, despite the frustration he felt at himself. He knows settling into the flow of things would be difficult, especially now that he had super-soldier enhancements in him. He appreciates the embrace, arms wrapping back around her ignoring the machine he had accidentally broke.
“I’m okay, nothing that can be fixed — just sort of smashed the coffee machine because it wasn’t working right.” He didn’t do it on purpose, but he was going to buy a new one before going home that night.
it takes all the concentration she can muster for ava’s form to stay tangible ── pain ricochets through each cell of her body. she can feel them tearing, blistering apart, but still she stays focused on the task at hand, on what’s most important: hayden. her eyes close and she tilts her head into his chest, squeezes him a little closer. finally she pulls away, startling emeralds search the super soldier’s expression for a moment before ── oh. she understands now. that rage. that frustration. ava recalls it well ( trashing the entirety of pym’s lab, perhaps comes to mind ). ❝ — we need to find something for you to do that will calm you down, hayden. ❞ beryl hues flutter shut in contemplation, then flicker back open. ❝ ─── i understand it, i do ── when i get worked up, i play murder mystery games on my phone. room escape games ── or i read about cryptids, or i watch buzzfeed unsolved. what are your interests —? ❞ she jimmies her hands into the pockets of her ghost suit — sporting all of it, today, save for the mask, if only because it keeps her condition more stabilized. ❝ — i’ll come with you, if you’d like —? to buy a new coffee machine? ❞
❝ ross ─? do ─ do you want to talk about it, maybe ─? ❞
granted, social interactions have never been ava starr’s forte. but when it comes to the banners ── when it comes to ross, and helping them find their brother ── she’s willing to put in the effort. trust is something seldom offered to agents of shield, particularly from the defected assassin otherwise known as ghost, but ross is nothing if not one of the exceptions, few and far between. perhaps that’s the reason why ava’s hand pats the seat beside her. why her head inclines to offer them her undivided attention.
❝ ─── whatever’s going on ─ you can tell me ─ i’ll do my best to help, i promise. ❞
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「 ❝ → i can’t believe i did this fucking shit all over again. ❞ 」⋮
❝ — hayden —? ❞
her frame wavers with an aura of DISENTANGLEMENT — like a three-dimensional movie screen without the proper glasses, her form fades in and out of this realm. of existence. emotions dictate ava starr’s ability to remain in control — and with CONCERN palpable in the crease of her brows, the purse of her lips, so her hold on reality, too, folds in on itself. she inhales, one sharp, definitive breath, in a desperate attempt to keep herself composed, to will away the pain as it crackles and tears, sears and pulls at every cell in her body. she stumbles — forward a moment, towards the male, then slowly wraps her arms around his waist in a meek embrace — mustering, as best she can, her ability for CONSOLATION.
❝ — what’s wrong —? what happened?! i’ll help you fix it — whatever it is. i — i promise! ❞
at least — she can assume it’s shield. call it INTUITION — or perhaps her own, internalized assumptions, but if maria hill is cursing to ava about something or other — it oftentimes has to do with the very agency she loathes. and the complaints made are usually about ava, herself, too. yet without any knowledge, she cannot place a reason why — unless something happened with the agent’s personal life? but — issues between herself and the black widow were often kept, as most shield information goes, completely CLASSIFIED. regardless of the reason, hand’s reach up with splayed fingers, displayed palms ── a white-flag raised, as she muses,
❝ ─── i didn’t steal anything. well — not this time, i promise. ❞
so. it might have been—- a little bit of a mistake to get—- well. sopping, falling over drunk. ( a little? try. a big mistake. huge mistake. she knows how she is. her addictive personalty. ) but. well. in her defense? it had seemed like the best course of action after— everything. everything being jessica jones. ( jessica fucking jones. of course. trish was concerned and emotional over all her friends. jessica was the only person who could make a mess out of trish. well. jess and daimon. )
“ you’re the sweetest— bestest person, ava—- “ she’s. groaning it out as the other woman takes her home— helps set her down on her toilet and trish moans into her own hands— shudders a moment. “ way too sweet and nice for me. i’m such a mess. fuck— i got shit faced! haha! jess would love this! i just gave her shit for drinking and look at me! “ she cackled into her hands now— then. pauses. moaned again before moving to wrap her arms around ava and tilt her head into her neck.
“ —-water. please. maybe an aspirin. thank you— you’re sooo good. i mean it, the nicest. my avie. “
never before has ava starr needed to care for another person but herself. her entire life, from the tragedy onward, was characterized by a desperate, insatiable need for SURVIVAL, a sharp-toothed, gnawing hunger crying out in pain. AGONY. ( it hurts. it always hurts ). yet even her own self-care, she knows, is a two-person job. whether it be bill foster. or janet van dyne. or maria hill. or anyone else — it’s a challenge to be completely, irrevocably independent when she awakes most mornings feeling like nothing more than a fading ghost, a shell of a person — when steady hands need to brush her teeth or hold her fork because ava, herself, cannot. so perhaps there is a sort of VINDICATION in all of this — this role reversal — patricia, in her drunken stupor, strewn on the bathroom tile, needing, of all people, ava’s help.
❝ — im not sweet. or nice, ❞ mumbles she after a moment — stumbling towards the medicine cabinet as she all but drags the latched trish walker along with her. ❝ — and i’m definitely not good, trish — but i — just want to help you. you’ve done so much for me — you’ve taken care of me. now i can return the favour. ❞ it takes a moment, perhaps two. if not a little longer for ava to muster the will to control her phasing entirely — for the cabinet to open via pallid fingertips, and for the ibuprofen to slide out of the bottle, then. for a glass to fill with tap water. were she in her suit, perhaps these simple tasks may have posed less of a challenge, but trish needs her now, and so she relies on whatever inner strength remains in her fractured soul. ❝ — here, ❞ offers she, palm extending with the little capsule and the filled glass. a moment later she’s settling them both back onto the rickety floor of her lacklustre apartment loo, toilet lid ajar as ava makes one quivering-fingered attempt to fasten the hellcat’s hair into a bun, then sighs. ❝ — do you want to talk about it? why you drank so much tonight? is it about jessica —? ❞
how is she supposed to help her drunk friend when ava can barely manage to keep her held upright —? it takes every, reserved ounce of her focus to keep herself TANGIBLE, patricia’s arm strewn over ava’s shoulder as the ghost hobbles them towards her manhattan safe house. one elevator ride later and the familiar ding invites them into her humble abode, but ava takes little more than a cursory glance around before trudging them towards the bathroom. care, compassion, concern dull the assassin’s eyes as she nudges her companion towards the vacant toilet lid ── trembling fingers carefully pulling back patricia’s tattered locks, sticky with liquor and ─ some other bodily fluids she has no desire to place. ava sighs.
❝ ── can i ─ get you anything else, trish? some water ─? crackers ─? ❞
⎣ hannah john-kamen, cisfemale, she/her ⎤I just saw [ AVA STARR ] walking around new york. they’re [ 37 ] years old and go by [ GHOST ]. they’re also [ A SUBATOMIC PHYSICIST & BIOCHEMIST ] when they can. at their best they’re [ COMPASSIONATE & RESOURCEFUL ] but at their worst they can be [ MERCILESS & UNFORGIVING ].
ty’s at it again... this time with one of my fave antagonists from the mceu: ava starr aka ghost.
ABOUT AVA //
my sweet baby who can do no wrong
theres not much about her aside from the movie antman and the wasp, so i fully fleshed her out based on personal headcanons, muse posts and headcanons on tumblr, and from the details included in AMATW.
for anyone who hasnt seen AMATW or hasn’t seen it in a while, here’s a brief recap of ava’s backstory:
ava is the daughter of catherine & elihas ( otherwise known as the supervillain egghead in marvel comics )
elihas worked with dr pym but the two had a falling out. pym had him fired and also discredited
but elihas continued his research anyways. he moved himself, his wife, his research team, and their daughter ava to an unidentified private research facility off the coast of argentina
when ava was a little girl, no more than 7-8, the quantum tunnel her father had been building exploded, killing everyone in the facility, including avas parents, except for ava.
ava survived, was found by a crew of firefighters curled up beside her dead parents, but they couldnt touch her or. the quantum explosion gave her a condition: a quantum mutation called molecular disequilibrium.
her condition makes it so that every cell of her body is constantly being torn apart and stitched back together every day
it hurts her. a lot. it’s also what gave ava her powers of super strength, intangibility/phasing, and invisibility
ava was sent to an orphanage and lived there for a little while until bill foster took her in
through bill, ava met shield. and shield weaponized her. they promised her a cure to her pain and condition but they lied. they robbed ava of her childhood and turned her into a master spy and assassin. conditioned her into becoming their killer.
they forced her to undergo a lot of experiments, honing and developing her condition so she’d become stronger. and used her as an asset to do their dirty work
during the hydra/shield uprising, when shield collapsed, ava managed to escape, and she ran off with bill who took her in and tried to help ava find a cure
without one, she will literally deteriorate into nothingness. all her cells will tear apart and she’ll fade into oblivion forever,,, yikes
ava spends the entirety of the movie trying to track down janet van dyne who’s time in the quantum realm let her harness enough particles to temporarily heal her. which janet does. but,,, it’s not enough. so they have to constantly go back to the quantum realm to get more particles for her so thats where we’re at now
soooooo here’s some random personal headcanons abt my baby & where shes at in life rn:
ava disappeared at the end of AMATW. i imagine she was on the run but eventually turned herself into the cops so that bill could escape and not get captured again.
the cops transferred her to shield since shes technically their property. she was probably put into shield prison for being a defected agent. but maria found out about all the child abuse and flipped her shit, tbh. so she broke ava out and set her up with a safehouse
ava took up scientific research to try and find a way to cure her condition because she doesnt want to be a burden on anyone. shes also very independent
shes,,, really shy. tbh she’s got near crippling social anxiety most days. she never had interactions growing up with people her own age. in the ghost suit shes a badass, hardened assassin with a very minimal moral compass but outside of it? when interacting to other people she doesnt consider her enemies? shes just a shy sweetheart
its been several years since her last dose of quantum particles so her chronic condition has been steadily flaring up
it hurts her a lot. it also makes it nearly impossible for her to hold things and do things. she accidentally falls through the floors or walks through walls uncontrollably. falls through her bed unless she sleeps in her special quantum room. she cant really hold things or eat things unless she focuses really hard and even then -- it’s not perfect
she hATES shield (aside from maria and the few people maria brought who ava learnt to trust) and HATES pym labs and dr pym and pyms kids. but. she loves janet,,, lmao
she loves conspiracy theories. cryptids. ghost stories. buzzfeed unsolved. horror movies. even shit like scoobydoo lmao. she likes mystery solving.
i imagine she identifies as greysexual and demiromantic
her casual daywear is mostly just grey. all grey everything. especially grey tracksuits.
she really is a sweetheart but shes so hurt. physically and emotionally. and so traumatized that it’s hard for her to open up to people and trust people.
i think that’s about it for now ! i’ll probably update with more headcanons as time goes on but please hmu to plot i love my sweet baby more than life itself and she def needs all the love!!
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