there’s no air in this room. if there is, cherry can’t inhale it fast enough. she wakes up gasping, digging her nails into her sheets trying to get a hold of anything she can to ground herself. it’s coming up on two years to the day since her time in the arena and the nightmares have yet to relent. if anything, they’ve been worse lately, but the trigger for them does not escape her.
today is reaping day.
when she untangles herself from her sweat soaked sheets, it’s all still playing in a loop in her mind. endless montages of blood and gore and screams, of all the deaths that haunt her the most; the girl from three who had been standing beside her when the bloodbath began, who couldn’t have been more than thirteen and was the first easy target for one of the careers. the district ten boy she’d had to fend off. the district two girl begging for mercy as cherry earned her victory. the boy from her own district. her ally. that blood is the most vivid in her memory, what seemed like an endless pool of it spilling from his throat, turning his hands red as he tried to prevent the inevitable, staining her own just the same. her hands haven’t felt clean since.
but she has to try not to think about that. she needs to carry herself well today. eyes will be on her, and not just the usual glaring ones from her own district.
the capitol will be watching her as they’ve been watching her. she’s been careless since her return back to district seven, and it’s the reason why her house is silent and empty when she wakes today. no one’s there to lull her back to sleep or ease her into waking. she can’t make the same mistakes again. she doesn’t know what else could possibly be taken from her, there’s so little left that means anything to her, but she doesn’t wish to find out.
her prep team and stylists arrive to make her look presentable, and she’s already anticipating the looks of revulsion she’ll receive. she looks beautiful, or so say tita and taran, who won’t stop complimenting the vibrant red of her dress. “cherry red for our cherry girl!” they coo, as they’ve cooed every time they’ve dressed her since she stepped into the arena. always in shades of red even though it’s not her district’s color. but despite what they’re telling her, she doesn’t feel beautiful. doesn’t feel worthy of their praise. the scowls that she’ll receive when she makes her way into town and to the justice building, those are the looks she feels more deserving of.
that doesn’t mean they’re easy to withstand though. every dirty look is a reminder of who she is and what she’s had to do. they’re part of why she so rarely leaves her home anymore. only when necessary. typically only when she needs to restock her kitchen or medicine cabinet, and even then, she’s taken to bribing one of the other victors, having her bring back a bag of things for cherry whenever she makes her own trips to town. it’s not exactly a friendship, but it’s more than cherry has with anyone else these days.
today though, going into town is not an option. really, she’s been able to make so few choices on her own anymore. not since the day her name was plucked from that bowl.
on her way to the justice building, cherry feels a sense of dread that she knows will sit in the pit of her stomach until this year’s games are over. it doesn’t matter whose names are called, it’ll be impossible to handle either way. her home may have turned its back on her, but that doesn’t mean she wants to watch any of them die. she never has.
not even the one she killed herself.
in her defense, she thought he had been reaching for his own weapon when she made the decision to slit his throat. only later on, watching the replay of those final moments, did she realize he hadn’t been making a grab for his axe after all.
if he had let her have the axe like she’d wanted in the first place, rather than the small knife she had tucked in her sleeve, then maybe things would have played out differently. or maybe she’d have taken his entire head off instead. no way to know now.
cherry often thinks about how her district turned on her, but in their eyes, she betrayed her district first. but they don’t understand. only one of them was ever going to come home, and cherry always planned on it being her.
she takes her spot on the stage, beside her fellow mentors. her fellow victors.
“now has come the time for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing district seven-”
