The Rest Of My Life

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If, like me, you attended elementary school in suburban south-eastern Connecticut, then you probably sat around a carpet in a colourful classroom and took turns with your fellow future adults being absolutely lost when asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Or, maybe not absolutely lost, because let’s face it every little kid seems to have the most simple answers to grown-up conundrums. As a seven year old I could confidently say that I want to be either a, “Marine Biologist, Author, Lawyer, or Astronaut,” and see nothing remotely impossible or strange about those selections. So, maybe it is better to say that it totally overwhelmed us due to what seemed like limitless possibilities. But, as I got older, even by a few years, I realised the sweaty-hand confusion brought about and immense room for failure when answering the question, “What do you want to do when you’re grown?” Is my answer now what I have to do? What if I don’t like it. What if I think I like it but it turns out I don’t. What if I change my mind? What if I don’t want to do anything, or pick any of the choices out there. What if I do want to pick one of those, but I can’t do it for some reason?

Scary stuff, huh? I’m sure many of you are experiencing horrible flashbacks now of a sad child confused when adults laughed at their choice, told them they couldn’t pick that, or sweetly smiled and said, “That’s nice, honey.” But luckily the horrors of the future leave us for a while, and as we go through middle and much of upper school we don’t pay attention to them, think we have it all figured out with our ‘vast knowledge’ of life, or just think that we have the time to make up our minds.

But then we get halfway through Junior year of high school, and it turns out that we didn’t have time. Our 10 year old selves were very right to be very scared about the future world of adulthood that seemed so fast approaching. Suddenly we find our selves in a slow-motion daze as we walk into our college counsellors office for the first time and discuss options, applications, letters of recommendation, how to fix all those bad grades we’ve received, all the while essentially trying to come up with something that won’t disappoint our parents in response to, “What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Because the choices you make now are sure going to go a long way in determining what the answer to that question is.”

And all at once the question of great excitement and possibility to a young child has evolved. It is no longer, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” because you are grown up now, and it’s time to choose. So, what’ll it be?

And all at once you find yourself rubbing together sweaty hands, thinking of all the ways you can fail as your mind races. Is what I tell this college now what I have to do? Are all of these choices permanent? What if I don’t like that college? What if I like that one, but they have terrible food? What if I change my mind in a few years, can I change majors? What if my favourite college doesn’t have my program? What if I like what I’ve picked, but can’t get a job in the end?

Judging by the amount of stress that I underwent as a junior and senior in high school, I can tell you that there is something seriously wrong with the system as it is today, and something should probably change. But the fact is that many of us have gone through something similar to this, and many of us still are. There are times that I feel as though I still am, despite being in University now.

Philosophy and Comparative Literature. Joint Hours. That’s what I’ve decided on. Rather, that’s what I applied for, and I have a very small window of time to make up my mind before I’ll be adding years of education onto my degree. But, this is not what I’ve decided to do with the rest of my life… and this won’t go far in explaining my choice either.

At my high school graduation, my college counsellor was elected by the class to give a speech. And her speech was written around the simple advice, “Be uncomfortable.” She told us to go off to college and careers and make sure that we are having fun and doing well, but also that we should get uncomfortable. According to her, we shouldn’t stick to what or who we know, but we should instead do all the things and talk to all the people we haven’t. Life is about new experiences, and you can’t expect to get anywhere if you don’t try. Of course you will always have an amazing community of friends, family, and mentors to rely on, but they shouldn’t be there to hinder you as you try to define your chooseable-identity.

So, with the advice of my college counsellor (who has done so much for me) in mind, that is what I have decided to do with the rest of my life. Maybe one day I will become a philosopher, or a writer, or a speaker in the U.N., but those aren’t the decisions or goals that will drive me forward. Instead, I will try my best to be uncomfortable, and make choices that test me.

I’ve decided to attend University in Scotland, leaving my friends, family, and home, 3,000 miles behind me. I came here with no prior friends, no idea what my room would look like, and no perception of what my classes would really entail or what I would be learning. Suffice it to say, I’m pretty uncomfortable right now. Although I find little comforts all around this beautiful town, I can’t say that I’m not carrying a heavy burden of longing for my bed, my family, my friends, and the familiar. But thanks to the advice and support of all those back home, I can say that I’m trying to make the most of it. Maybe some days I push harder than others, but no matter what, I’m trying.

I hope that the words I put here can help change the way we approach growing up. Circumstances are always changing, so I think its far better to decide how one wants to live rather than exactly what they want to do. This might relieve the stress of many a teen to come.

So, please, I invite you all, come get uncomfortable with me. Make some stupid choices, eat some weird food, pull all nighters in a foreign country, as I decide what I want to be when I grow up while using a motto to carve out the answer from the infinite possibilities.

Best,

Grace

Postscript: If you notice, the publish date on this is September 28th. I moved into my dorm on September 5th. So, what have I been doing for almost a month? Well, I’ve been through it all. Intense feelings of longing for home, late nights talking to the boy that I also had to leave behind, some crazy nights of going out and drinking (I fully support a drinking age of 18… looking at you U.S.), but mostly, I’ve been sleeping. If I had to say one thing that I’ve done the most here, it’s been sleeping, sometimes up to 15 hours a day. I think all of this change has thrown me into a familiar pit of depression, and perhaps this move just came at a bad time in my life. (And to anyone just starting college or in a similar position, IT’S TOTALLY OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY, JUST SAYIN’) But, I’ve decided that doesn’t matter. Being and embracing the uncomfortable space I find myself in now is the only way, I believe, to truly make the most of what I have here. So, although it took me a while to make up my mind, and although I don’t think every part of me is 100% behind this yet, I endeavour to be a better self than the one who sleeps all day, by simply getting uncomfortable.