Damon Martinez

roight mate, a been told to come in ‘ere an order a wigan kebab, boot, a don actually know whot et is

yeh don know whatta wigan kebab is?

heh, no

buttered barm, meat and potaeto pie. you’re in ‘eaven

carbs on carbs on carbs

absolutely

‘ats whot i loike to see

d’you wont one?

yeah, go on mate. es et eh popular dish?

fourty pehcent of the people oo com in owdeh et, ets quick an good. quick an readay.

an do ‘ey caull et a wigan kebab or a pie barm? wot do they ask for?

wigan kebab.

wigan kebab?

wigan kebab.

class. g’wed lad.

‘ere you are. enjoy lad

wigan kebab… that actually looks class. mate. that is sensational. that is spot on mate

so am jus looking at the menu ‘ere mate i can get a smack foh fohty pay?

yea

so wot is smack?

et’s well known in wigan smack barm pey wet

smack barm pey wet?

yep. et’s a- et’s a cheap treat foh a kid. som grownups gettem. but you’re lookin at eighty pay, you’ve got somethin ‘ot. potaetoh, batter on, sault an vinegar

wots pey wet mate?

wots pey wet?! in wigan, et’s as good as gravay. et’s the waterr off the peas, you get a few peas in as well, y’know, y’know. et’s free, jus moists ya chips up. or ya smack.

i thin oive got room for a little bit more, mate. can i get a uh- smack barm pey wet?

no problem atool! get ya pey wet. there ya go young man, enjoy

cheers mate. smack barm pey wet. oive gotta be honest… the looka this pey wet is knockin may a bit sick et looks fookin minging. let’s see wot ets chattin… gotta hefty dollop of pey wet there. it’s quite nice. there’s no pey, ets jus wet. but you can taeste the pey. a wigan akimbo wit the smack barm pey wet, an the wigan kebab, an i dunno which one i prefer, if oim honest. so ‘ats the wigan kebab. obviously a lot more meaty. an no peas. see, the smack barm pey wet… ets got more of a crunch. am onna have to go wit the smack barm pey wet. am sorry to all of the wigan kebab lovers, but… et’s gotta be the smack barm pey wet.

think oive got room for a little bit more mate.

babbys yed? oh aye?

wots a babbys yed?

steak puddin.

steak puddin?

steak puddin. well-renowned aroun ‘ere. our puddins are the best

an why es et called a babbys yed?

they favour em. they’re very similah to look at

so wen you crack opan a baby’s ‘ead ‘ats wot it looks like inside?

yeah. but don- don do it.

still got this babbys yed to go…

yeah, i goota tell ya somethin about that… the babbys yed actually coms wit chips an gravey an stuff as well

are ya messin lad? oh fohk. a three course wigan meal… oooaaahhhh…

‘ere you are!