I will Shakespeare you

smoking is bad for you because cigarette (reasonably) thinks you’re her lover . then you discard her . god recognizes this injustice and makes your lungs gray

smoking is lacking valor f'r thee because cigarette ( reasonably ) thinkest you’re h'r lov'r. then thee discard h'r. god recognizes this injustice and maketh thy lungs grizzled

hey, it's me. the guy you made up to get mad at. i just want you to know i'm trying my hardest to change and grow into a person you don't have to be mad at

ho, t's me. the guy thee madeth up to receiveth nimble-footed at. i just wanteth thee to knoweth i'm trying mine own hardest to changeth and groweth into a p'rson thee has't not to beest nimble-footed at

no rest for me and im not even that wicked ?

nay rest f'r me and im not coequal yond naughty ?

imagine getting sold to a band you aren’t a fan of that would just be so awkward

imagineth getting did sell to a band thee aren’t a fan of yond wouldst just beest so contrary

(violently jerking the steering wheel) my car swerves like crazy when i do this

( violently j'rking the ste'ring wheel ) mine own car sw'rves liketh crazy at which hour i doth this

Passed my autopsy with flying colours. There was so much inside me

Hath passed mine own autopsy with flying colours. Th're wast so much inside me

canoeing is a fantastic word . those vowels are absolutely out of control in there

canoeing is a fantastic w'rd. those vowels art absolutely out of controleth in th're

applying papier mache to the homie who fell asleep on the floor during the party and then using it as a mold to make a 1-to-1 perfect silicone sculpture of him which we place on the floor and gently interlace with him so it looks like he is sleeping restfully with the yin yang of his own somnolent form lol

applying papi'r mache to the homie who is't hath fallen asleep on the flo'r during the party and then using t as a mold to maketh a 1-to-1 p'rfect silicone sculpture of that gent which we lodging on the flo'r and gently int'rlace with that gent so t looks liketh that gent is sleeping restfully with the yin yang of his owneth somnolent f'rm lol

deliriously ripping open the sexy fishnet tights of a beautiful woman named bag of mandarins

deliriously ripping ope the sexy fishnet tights of a quite quaint mistress nam'd container of mandarins

[one single bloodcurdling agonized scream] ok time to lock in

[ one single bloodcurdling agoniz'd screameth ] tis fine timeth to locketh in

Stop doing it scared and start doing it scary. Invoke sheer eye-clawing terror into all those who have ever wronged you

Stand ho doing t afeard and starteth doing t scary. Invoke the lady'r eye-clawing t'rr'r into all those who is't has't ev'r wrong'd thee

accidentally said "invasive thoughts" instead of "intrusive thoughts" today and actually I think I'm onto something. this thought does not belong here and it is harming the local ecosystem

accidentally hath said "invasive thoughts" instead of "intrusive thoughts" the present day and actually i bethink i'm onto something. this bethought doest not belongeth h're and t is harming the local ecosystem

yes actually that is a knife in my pocket i am not happy to see you at all.

aye actually yond is a bodkin in mine own pocket i am not joyous to seeth thee at all

I’ve seen you people thirst after men I wouldn’t even feed to my creature

i’ve seen thee people thirst aft'r men i wouldn’t coequal feedeth to mine own creature

You think Ceasar got bored towards the end? Like oooof ouch ooof okay guys yeah that's another knife, can we get a little bit of originality here? Oh, Brutus, thank Jupiter, you're-... motherfucker is that ANOTHER knife

Thee bethink ceasar did get b'r'd towards the endeth? liketh oooof ouch ooof well enow guys yeah yond's anoth'r bodkin, can we receiveth a dram did bite of 'riginality h're? oh, brutus, thanketh jupit'r, thee're-. moth'rfuck'r is yond another bodkin