GentlyWinter

Here you’ll find all the links to my The Amazing Digital Circus FunnyBunnyFroggy fanfic!

Description:

Jax and Pomni had a building friendship, things were going great. But then one little hug ruined everything. What had happened in Jax's past to make him so incredibly resistant to any kind of companionship? Whatever it was, it still haunts him to this day. Even coming back as hallucinations. But then what happens when the real version of the hallucination comes back into his life?

A slow burn romance between Jax, Pomni, and Ribbit. Filled with angst, psychological horror, self-deprecation, eventual self-acceptance, and a horrible glitch slowly spreading throughout the circus.

Starts during the end of episode 6.

Art process

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Links to where this is also posted if you so choose:

Ao3

Wattpad

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Chapter list:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12 (Coming soon)

Story tags (please look over before reading. This story gets dark.):

FunnyBunnyFroggy, abstradegy, polyamory, mental health, suicidal, abstraction, self harm, cutting, angst, fluff, slow burn, vomit, sickness, glitch, virus, hallucination, schizophrenia, self acceptance, transfem Jax, self-esteem issues, self-confidence issues, self-hatred, self-worth issues, schizophrenic Jax, bstracted Ribbit, Jax-centric, Jax angst, soft Jax, boy mode jax, repressed jax, he/him pronouns for Jax at start, she/her pronouns for Jax later, she/her pronouns for real Ribbit, they/them pronouns for fake Ribbit

Want to read about Jax’s, Ribbit’s, and Pomni’s intimate adventures that happen after the events of this story? Here’s the links to the Kinktober prompts (warning, these are mature and not meant for minors):

Day 1

I have a discord server for my fans to come hang out and chat with me and maybe make some new friends. I post announcements whenever I post something new, whether writing or art. So you won’t miss an update. We also have a nsfw section.

Previous chapter

Chapter 11

Note: You guys are too sweet. I really appreciate all of you. <3 My surgery went great! No complications. Not working right now though. I’m unable to stand for more than a few minutes. No more pain though other than minor discomfort, and eating is going better than I thought it would too. Should’ve gone to a dr and got this bad stuff after eating issues taken care of ages ago lol.

Oh yeah…I’m doing Kinktober this year! Will be the sexual adventures of Jax, Pomni, and Ribbit. Timeline of it will be after the events of this fic, so there might spoilers here and here…but you won’t need to have read this whole story (not like you can yet anyways) to be able to enjoy the prompts. And I will be doing both writing and drawing the prompts as well. Day 1 is already posted, on both ao3 and tumblr. I’ll kind of be working on it when I’m struggling with this story. Below is the link to chapter 1. I’ll be linking them in the master post of this story since it’s connected.

Kinktober Day 1

Also…I think you guys know what’s happening in this chapter…so time to mentally prepare yourselves lol.

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As I put my hand into theirs, I look up. My tired eyes flick back and forth between looking into both of theirs. Two of the things I want most in life. Honestly, I’m surprised Pomni isn’t included in this yet, but I suppose she’s still so fresh she hasn’t dove deep enough yet.

But…it’s time to forget about her. I’m done. I’m tired. Tired of fighting. To survive, to stay with everybody. People who clearly don’t care about me.

‘That’s right Jax. They don’t care about you. Won’t even notice you’ve abstracted.’ Azalea whispers.

‘You might get at most a twitch of an eye. Then they’ll call for Caine and you’ll be discarded.’ Ribbit continues for her. ‘It’s a cruel fate for people like you. But you know you don’t deserve anything more. To get any sort of respect from them, or even a funeral. You’ll just be forgotten.’

‘Isn’t that what you want, Jax?’

My eyes flicked to whoever was speaking at the moment. It’s hard not to believe their words. I mean…it’s what I’ve been working towards right? I don’t want their friendship. I’ve pushed them away so hard that they hate me now. So they won’t care when I’m gone. Good, that honestly just means my work is done.

“Yes. I don’t deserve to be remembered. I’m an idiot and a horrible person. I mean…what kind of sane person kills their own parents?” Tears were flowing down my face now. Am I finally gonna reach the end I’ve so desperately begged for?

‘They don’t Jaxy.’ Ribbit said softly.

Before I even knew it, we were standing outside of my room. I didn’t even realize we were going anywhere. God, my zoning out has been at its absolute worst lately. Not like it matters. I’m getting the wish I want…that I deserve.

“Why did you bring me here?” I ask anyways, could it not have happened where we were? Not like anybody went over there anyways. Probably could’ve abstracted without anyone other than Caine noticing. Then at least I wouldn’t…hurt anyone.

Especially Pomni…wait…do I really want to leave her?

I do deeply miss Ribbit. I wish I could have her back with all my heart. No matter how much I know I was the cause of her pain and abstraction. But she’s gone, will abstracting really give me her back?

Pomni though. I know my brain and these two in front of me are trying to convince me that she doesn’t actually want me. But logically, that just doesn’t make sense. I just…why am I second guessing this when I’m literally minutes away from finally getting what I’ve been craving for…honestly since even before the circus?

‘It’s too late for second thoughts Jax.’ Azalea states.

I’m forced out of my thoughts as the lock to the door behind me locks shut. Once again I was zoned out so bad I didn’t even realize I was moving again.

And before I knew it, I was forced against the door by Ribbit. Her hands were suddenly pressing my shoulders into the hard wood, painfully.

“Ri-Ribbit-that hurts!” I try to tell her, but she just glares at me.

‘Get it through your fuzzy damaged head. Pomni doesn’t love you. She hates you. Loathes you even. She has only ever helped you to get on the good side of everybody else. To boost her own ego. She could never love someone as worthless as you.’ Ribbit seethed in a dark, cold voice.

“Bu-“

‘No! You’re a murderer, Jax. And a t****y on top of that. You will never find love, or friendship, or companionship. I’m the only one that can give you anything you fucking want!’ They lifted me off the door and shoved me again. I whimper from the pain and in fear. They’ve been nasty to me in the past, but never this bad.

I-I’ve clearly upset them. I’m such an idiot. Why do I always mess everything up? Because now they’re even gonna leave me, I’ll be all alone for the rest of my life. Until I manage to just rot away.

Ribbit snarls. ‘Fucking right you’re an idiot. But you’re not getting rid of me that easily you dipshit.’ Then the biggest surprise came my way as they smash their lips to mine. I yelp in surprise, my hands flailing amidst still being pinned to the door. My eyes were widened, ears stick straight in pure surprise. But it was like a drug had suddenly been inserted into my system. A really pleasant numb feeling overtakes my mind and my eyes flutter shut along with my entire body just becomes relaxed. I slump into the deep kiss and actually start to kiss them back.

Ugh…how I’ve missed their kisses.

But it didn’t take long for Ribbit to pull away and roughly pull me with them. They throw me around and I end up crashing into my bed. But with my drugged mind, I just let it happen to me with a groan. My body was lying uncomfortably on my bed now, but my limbs feel like jelly. So even though my head starts pulsing from hitting my head both on the door when I got slammed and who knows what else, I just relax into the bed with a groan.

‘There we go. You’re not gonna fight against us anymore are you baby?’ Azalea mocks me. I glance at her numbly.

Ugh…she’s so pretty, why can’t that be me?

‘Because you’ve been too stubborn, idiot. Accept this…us…and you can have my body…and Ribbit…for the rest of your days.’

I whine at the prospect of having that. I’ve managed to untangle my hurting limbs from the position I was thrown in. But at this point Ribbit had made their way over to us.

‘Oh there’s my Jaxy…sorry I had to hurt you, but you deserved it after being so stubborn. You know I love you. Now come on already. Accept our offer…and you’ll finally be happy. No more past haunting your memories, no more depression, just bliss.’ They lean over me on the bed and reaches up to hold the side of my head. Gently.

Oh my God, this back and forth bipolorism is literally giving me whiplash. I’m so dizzy I just don’t know how I’m even supposed to react.

Their hand guides my face to look into their big multicolored eyes. And in my drugged haze I let them, my eyes were so wide and painful, but I became drawn in. Their eyes were so memorizing I couldn’t look away, I even started tearing up.

“Will you really…give me what I want?” I found myself saying. What? No. What am I doing? What about Pomni?

‘Of course I would, sweetie. We’ll spend all of eternity together. You’ll finally have your female body, we will spend all of our days cuddling, touching, laughing. There’s no sharing me with anybody. Don’t you want that?’ I swear the multicolored circles in her eyes literally start to move. Growing bigger as another circle appears in the center, just growing on a continuous loop. It was like I was becoming hypnotized.

‘Abstract with me Jax.’

I barely heard them say that. I was so deep into their eyes that everything else was fading away. They had climbed fully onto the bed and was straddling my hips. I lie there completely limp as Ribbit presses their hand flat against my chest, but my eyes never leave theirs. I don’t even know if Azalea was still in the room anymore.

‘Are you with me Jax?’

“Yes.” My voice felt so disembodied from me. It honestly didn’t even sound my like own voice. Was that me agreeing with them?

‘Good.’ They start to press their weight onto the hand, their fingers start to stab into my chest. Honestly, I could’ve been imagining it, but it almost looked like their fingers were turning pitch black. Turning into the same spiky mass that is the corrupted code of the abstraction creatures.

Then I felt it.

Pain.

Like a burning sensation, just forcing its way through my body. Starting at my chest where their hand was still present. Then spreading through the rest of my torso, to my limbs, to my head. I wanted to scream, to run, to thrash around and push them off me, but but my body just felt paralyzed. My mind was still aware of everything, but my body no longer responded. It just laid there and accepted the onslaught of abuse that was wreaking havoc on my digital body. I couldn’t even hear anything anymore as a loud static fills my ears and my vision. My entire existence was only the pain, static, and a drug trip amount of colors.

But then?

It was like time had stopped.

Everything comes crashing back as Ribbit’s body suddenly disappears, as a flash of a hazy green seem seemed to grab them and pull them off of me. But we were unfortunately still attached so I also went went flying off the bed. I yelp as I go crashing onto the floor, my head and chest hitting the desk as it wasn’t just a straight shot to the floor.

Luckily Ribbit’s hand eventually gets torn out of my chest and I finally go rolling onto the floor. My senses slowly started to come back to me as I notice I landed in the exact angle to be able to look into the mirror. The first thing I saw was my eyes. They were the same multicolored abstraction horror as Ribbit’s. But then as my vision becomes clearer, I really see myself.

My eyes widen.

Is that…me…?

I had a pink bow on my ear, long black choppy hair, and dark makeup on.

I freeze for a moment, not hearing or seeing at all what was going on around me.

I had the same appearance as Azalea.

What in the world?

What?

How?

When?

Why?

Is this real?

Am I dreaming?

What the f-?

Suddenly I was thrown again, straight back into the desk. I groan and squeeze my eyes shut as the chair that was tucked under it digs into my back.

‘Jax!’ A voice calls out to me.

“Jax!?” At the same time a second voice also rang through.

I open my eyes to see Pomni right over me. She was sitting on her knees, looking at me with tears in her eyes.

“Oh my god, I thought I was too late! I can’t believe I waited as long as I did before chasing after you. A-are you ok? Please, tell me you’re ok.” Pomni was rambling on, voice thick through the tears. Random parts of her body were glitching. From…touching me?

I was about to respond but then I see a black figure behind Pomni. I freeze as my eyes zero in on it, Pomni notices I’m looking behind her so she turns around to look at it as well.

“Get lost already. I don’t know what you are, but you’re not gonna take Jax!” Pomni yelled at it. What even is it? Ribbit was nowhere to be seen now, but they were just a hallucination right? Nothing actually real?

Whatever the creature was…it was pitch back. Really the only anomaly from the darkness was its eyes. Just a couple of colorful lightbulbs lighting up my dark room. It kind of had a distinct form. Not as shapeless as an abstraction, but not as crisp as we are. It was kind of…smoky? Glitchy? Spiky? All of the above? It was all kind of random, but we could still see an actual figure in there. But there was no exact features. Nothing telling of its gender or age. It just existed. The most vile thing about it was its aura. It was so dark, so disturbing. It pulsed through the room, through my insides. Like the feeling you get from playing a bass heavy song way too loud and sitting next to the speakers.

And in that moment, it stared at us. Just tilted its head like a dog when they hear something interesting. And finally, it gave a sharp laugh.

‘“Really?”’ I wince and duck my head to cover my ears at its voice. It sounded like it was multiple all at once, yet somehow also only one voice, it was such a contradictory that it hurt to hear. And unfortunately, Ribbit’s voice was right in there as well. ‘“You truly think just because you’re here now you can save him? He’ll always find his way back to me. I mean, the pitiful man is halfway there already. I just need to finish the job now.”’

The more it spoke, the more I heard Ribbit’s voice right in there with it. So they were fake the whole time? I was being tricked this whole time? Looking back at it now, logically, I’ve always known they weren’t real. But it’s clear this creature uses mind games to trick you into following it. Which meant none of its promises were real either.

‘“Of course they weren’t real you fucking idiot. You would’ve abstracted and would be sent right down to the cellar to live out the rest of eternity in the darkness. Just letting me eat away at your life force until you’re not even a memory anymore.”’ It responded like it was reading every thought in my mind. And knowing how it’s been talking to me over these past few days, that’s completely true.

At some point during this conversation, the rest of my senses have come back. And I groan in pain as a dulled down version of the earlier burning fills my body again. I slump fully back to the floor, but I don’t take my eyes off of this creature. Whatever it is.

Pomni does though to look at me in concern. “Jax, are you ok? Oh, you look horrible.”

‘“Mmm, like I said, halfway there. You know…I think for a creature like you. Someone who’s as horrible as you are, deserves to suffer in pain for a while before your body gives up. So, I’m not gonna do you a mercy and finish the job. You get to writhe in pain and suffering for a while. But maybe if you beg enough, I might grant you some mercy.”’

And without even a goodbye, the creature slinks away from our perceived existence. It morphed into a shapeless shadow and went out the open door. It took a moment, but the room finally got dimly lit again by my stars. It was like its mere presence was making the room at least 5 times darker.

Pomni wasted not a single beat to start fretting over me.

“Oh my god, that was insane. I didn’t realize abstraction was caused by this creature thing. But never mind that, are you ok? You look…different.” And against my wishes from the ache still within me, she helps me into a sitting position.

I was slumped against the desk now, understandably exhausted. That moment I finally decide to look down at myself. I was still unfortunately in my overalls, but I had a black off the shoulder top on under it. Something to hide the fact, that I had a couple of tiny mounds on my chest now. I barely even saw the black patches that were littering my skin, no I was only focused on my chest.

I have boobs!

Then my hair falls in front of my face. That’s right! The hair! My new face! I was basically the fem hallucination now. But why? The thing said I was just gonna spend the rest of eternity in the darkness of the cellar, so why did my form change like it was in the process of changing me into what I wanted? Oh I’m so confused right now.

But I remembered I’m not alone.

Pomni was here.

Perceiving my new fem appearance.

Something that wasn’t suppose to EVER see the light of day!

I blush furiously as I suddenly wrap my arms around my new chest. Like hiding the boobs was enough to hide my new appearance.

“Don’t look at me!” I suddenly yell. “Y-you weren’t supposed to ever see this! Leave! P-please…” by the end of my tiny outburst my voice shrunk to a whine. Working past the pain, I pull my knees up to my chest, pressing my arms up against me as tight as I could. Maybe if I curl up into a ball she’ll…what leave?

“Hey…” Pomni’s voice cuts through before my thoughts could go any further. Her voice was extremely gentle, as if she knew if spoke any other way it’ll only set me off. “It’s ok…I promise you, I will stick by your side no matter your identity or what you look like.”

I did hear what she was saying, really, I did. But my face was tucked into the space between my chest and knees now. My long black hair spread over me like a blanket. And I was staring at my chest with wide eyes.

I feel like I’m on the cusp of a panic attack right now. Oh god…oh god…she’s gonna laugh at me, she’s gonna insult me…she’s gonna…leave me…

That thought makes everything stop. I suck in a quick breath and just stop breathing and moving, I swear even my heart stopped. So I just sat there in my tight ball, waiting for the mockery or the sound of my door, a tear occasionally falling from my eyes.

My brain tries to turn rational on me. She just saved me from abstraction. Saved me from eternal damnation in the cellar. Why is the other half of my brain trying to tell me that she’ll take everything back and just leave, from only the sight of my new feminine…disgusting…form? But what if she also…accepts it…wholeheartedly?

“Jax?” She says barely above a whisper, but I wince so hard like she just striked me. Here it comes. “Are you ok? Umm…can I…touch you?”

My breath catches in my throat so hard from that I start coughing. I uncurl from my ball enough to hold a hand over my mouth, but then stop at the sight of my bare hand. And…fingernails…in a long almond shaped style and painted black. They’re so pretty…no! I can’t have this form! I don’t deserve it, why was I given this form!?

“Hey, hey, hey!” Pomni starts off soft but raises her voice to try and catch my attention. I hadn’t even realized, but I was screaming, crying, and…trying to pull off the nails…what?

“I-…” Was all I managed to get out before it catches in my throat. What instead happened was a huge wave a nausea rolls over me, so drastic that the stupid black bile this place has for throwing up forcefully exits from my stomach. It feels like liquid fire flowing through me…I absolutely hate it. Luckily Pomni scrambles fast enough and grabs the trash can beside us. She managed to guide my head just in time so that instead of all over the floor, the pitch black goo gets contained.

Pomni stays silent for the time being, also luckily still not laying a finger on me. Good, I don’t deserve her comforting touch. She probably thinks I’m disgusting anyways and thinks I’ll corrupt or infect her if she does.

After a few minutes of throwing up, I slump back against the desk. Satisfied that it was finally over, I let out a sigh. But my throat is absolutely trashed now so it starts a bit of a coughing fit.

Once that was past I finally look at Pomni. She was sitting on her knees, her hands fidgeting with the bell on her hat. Which I just realized was still stretched out from my abuse earlier. It’s honestly quite cute…no, shake that thought out of my head. I can’t have her. She would never want to be with me, especially now that I’m…this…

We stare at each other. Nobody’s saying a word, or making any moves. We just stare. Unsure how to continue.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. My entire body was aching, and the black twitchy parts were burning consistently, like it was hot tar on my skin. And my right eye…stings…from the light coming through my half open door. Like it’s really light sensitive all of a sudden. I’m all squinting only the one eye. But I don’t look in the mirror again. It’ll only show me how gross I look. I’ll save that for when I’m alone.

I clear my throat, finally deciding I apparently need to kick Pomni out, though I wonder how she even managed to get in, in the first place. “Get out of my room.”

She stares at me for a moment. “Why?”

“I-…ugh…I don’t allow anybody in my room.” Keep it simple. Maybe she’ll realize I’m never gonna change and just leave.

“Well I’m not leaving. I almost lost you.”

“I’m sure you and everybody else would’ve cheered to see me abstracted.” My voice sounds so foreign to me right now. It sounds so dead, so done. I wonder if I’m still under whatever that creature did to me or if my emotional state is just shot right now. Don’t even know why I’m even saying these words.

“What? No! We all care about you.”

“Oh now that is a bold faced lie. Care about me?” I tilt my head with an eyebrow raised. “Nobody cares about me, everybody hates me. Even you.” It was like my inner thoughts and fears were forcing themselves out of my head. I don’t want to be saying all of this. I just want to deflect like I usually do and force Pomni out of the room. So that I can stare in the mirror, nitpicking at every new gross thing about myself until I finally smash it in frustration.

Pomni sighs, her eyes sliding shut before she looks at me with determination. “I can’t even begin to tell you, how much I’m resisting to punch you in the face right now. But that would not be appropriate, as you’re in horrible physical condition right now. Nobody here hates you. We all care about you, and want to see you become the person you really are. And you know? I wasn’t gonna say anything about her, but Ribbit was the one who told me to come to you tonight. I was gonna give you the space you needed, the space you begged everyone for. But, I heard her voice, felt her. I was skeptical at first, but I knew that in that moment I couldn’t hesitate. It was a life or death situation.”

I stare at her stil unemotionally. “Where did you hear that name?” I just skirt over the fact that it seems Pomni might have heard the same voice I did, and just question how she even knows about her at all.

“I-…” She very clearly hesitates. Seemingly unwilling to out whoever told her. I think I know though.

“Was it Ragatha?”

She doesn’t say anything, that was all I needed to know.

“Of course it was her.” I mumble.

“Well if you weren’t so deflective maybe I would’ve found out from you.” She counters.

I sigh. “Can you please leave already?” I’m done with this. I can’t handle the implications of her helping me.

She stares at me for a second. Unsure how to continue this. I’m sure she’s very confused of my reaction to the whole thing, but I don’t care.

“Why are you being like this? I just wanted to help you. To give you the love and care that I can tell you’ve been screaming for.” She explains.

“I have been screaming for you to leave me alone.”

“That may have been what your mouth has been saying. But everything else has pointed to the exact opposite. Why are you so resistant to people showing you love and affection? What in the world happened in your life to make you think you can’t have it?”

Emotion finally starts to well up in my chest, past the burning pain that still lingered. And before I can stop myself, I finally spit out what has been haunting me for 5 years.

“It’s because I’m a murderer!” The words came out just as violently as the vomit just minutes prior. I flinch from my own outburst and bury my face in my hands, unable to face whatever Pomni’s reaction would be. Absolutely nothing else has worked to push her away, so maybe hearing some truth from my dark past will finally get her to go away?

At first it was just silence, but then I heard some footsteps and the door closing. This was it, she finally gave up. She’s gone. She’s gonna go off and tell the others what a horrible person I am.

Tears fill my eyes as more of the unemotional drugged up feeling finally goes away. This feeling really brings up memories of before the circus. Memories I wish would be erased from my brain. I curl up into a tight ball as I start to sob. The reality of what just happened was finally hitting me.

I almost abstracted.

And the two people I want most in the world saved me. I saw that flash of green before getting thrown off the bed. And what Pomni said only further proves what I saw. I don’t know how she managed it, but Ribbit was here, the real Ribbit! Not whatever has been sweet talking me into throwing my life away.

But why? I pushed her to abstraction. So why would she save me from my own?

My mind continues to spiral as a sudden spike of pain shoots through my head, but then it was gone as fast as it came. What was that? Gah, whatever the hell that creature was did say I was gonna be in pain. So at least that’s one thing it didn’t lie about I suppose.

“Shhhh.” I jump so violently as a voice whispers to me, and arms wrap around me.

I move my head just enough to see who it was, and saw the telltale red and blue of Pomni’s jester jumpsuit. What? She’s still here? I thought she left!

“You don’t have to say anything, Jax. I’m here for you. A dark mistake like that from your past, is not enough to push me away. Especially since I’m sure there’s so much more to the story. But we don’t need to get into that now. That’s a conversation for another day, ok? Your new appearance as well, that’s for another time. Right now? You just need someone to be there for you, to hold you. Now…” She pulls away for a second, and after a bit of shuffling around, returns with the blanket and some pillows from my bed.

I take a deep breath at the feeling that overwhelms me from the sentiment. She wraps the both of us in my plush blanket, and sets up my pillows around us.

“I’m sure you would be more comfortable on the bed, but I’m sure it’ll be quite hard for you to move right now. And if you need to throw up again, the trash can is right beside you.” Her arms go around me again. “We have so much to talk about. Right now though? Get some rest, I’ll be here the whole night, holding you. If you’ll let me that is.”

This whole time she was speaking in a whisper. She was being so sweet, so caring, everything that is the exact opposite of what I believe I deserve. But she clearly thinks otherwise.

She had a hand rubbing my back, and wraps the other arm around my head, pulling me against her chest. So I was basically lying on top of her. Her hand was even tangled in my newfound hair, giving light pets around the base of my ears. And for once, I accepted the touch.

It took a while, but eventually, the tears fully stop, and I was fully slumped and relaxed in Pomni’s arms. For just tonight, I allowed myself to wholeheartedly accept the touch that I have been craving. And eventually, Pomni started humming softly and rocked us back and forth. It took me a second to recognize the tune, but it was Daisy Bell. I smile softly at the thought of her realizing that this was a song I was somehow attached to. I really can’t explain either.

Maybe this was real? This feeling, Pomni’s affection towards me, how I feel for her. For so long I’ve convinced myself that this whole digital world was fake, make-believe. Just code in a computer.

But this just feels fully, 100% real.

~~~

Note: I have plans to draw the creature in this chapter. I had such a vivid image in my head as I was writing that moment. I will hopefully include it in the next chapter for you guys. Oh I’m excited for it.

It’ll be a series of prompts, revolving around the sexual adventures of Jax, Ribbit, and Pomni. But Jax is semi to fully transitioned, so she’ll be referred to as Azalea. Technically, the timing of those is based for after the end of my fic that I’m currently working on, Jax’s Penance. But, you don’t need to read it to be able to enjoy it.

So without further ado, here’s day 1.

1 - Condoms

Jax (Azalea)/Pomni

This one is simple. Fairly vanilla. So I guess basic CW? Like light fingering, little nipple play, penetration, that kind of stuff.

Jax POV

Pomni and I were in my bedroom. Honestly just chilling. Just watching the TV that I managed to conjure up for the room.

We were sitting on my bed, backs against the wall. Pomni’s head was leaning against my shoulder. I thought it was just gonna be a chill night where we fall asleep cuddling and watching TV.

But then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Pomni’s bare hand was going for my stomach.

My eyes avert from the TV to her hand. I was wearing a crop top so it didn’t take long for her hand to find bare skin. My breath hitches from the light touch of her fingering the short dense fur there.

“You want to have some fun?” I whisper to her.

She nods. “We haven’t exactly explored the sex update yet. I get why the delay…with you not being ok…but why not?”

I smile. “Yeah…I get it. You know what’s interesting though?”

“Hm?” Her eyes flick up to find mine.

“I have the option to choose whether I want male or female genitalia.” I explain.

Her head raises a little in shock. “What? Really? Which do you want to do?”

I close my eyes in thought. “I’m honestly not sure if I’m fully ready to…completely transition yet. I mean…I’m still getting used to having boobs. If you catch my drift.”

Pomni chuckles. “I get it, growing up a girl I at least had them slowly grow over time. Yours just popped in. I can teach you how to make your new body feel good. But, if you want to stick with a penis for now…that’s completely fine with me. Because I’m attracted and I love you, not what is below the belt. But I will be here to help learn the ins and out of a vagina if and/or when you so choose to switch over.”

I open my eyes and smile down at her, letting out a sigh. “I do not deserve someone like you I swear.”

She gives my stomach a little pinch at the self-deprecation comment. I flinch but I don’t fight her on it. “What did I say about saying stuff like that? You deserve just as much love and care as anybody else. Now come here Azalea.”

I sigh as she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me down for a kiss. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate how fast she accepted the real me, my new name, pronouns, everything. She has yet to deadname me even once. And I love her for it. I don’t even want to begin to imagine if all of my worst fears of what my mind told me came true.

But she pulls me out of my thoughts as her hand trails up my shirt, teasing fingers around the outside of my nipple. I gasp from the odd sensation.

She giggles and pulls away just enough to whisper. “There you are. What are you thinking so deeply about my sweet bunny?”

“You…how much you’ve supported and accepted me.” I respond in a panted whisper.

“Mmm…well if you weren’t so stubborn, we could’ve had this sooner.” She follows up that statement with another deep kiss, though now she’s full on straddling my legs. Her hand was now full on teasing the bud of my nipple and I give another gasp. I didn’t realize nipples could be so darn sensitive, especially as I already feel my cock twitching and trying to escape my panties already.

I whimper into the kiss as she continues to tease my nipple, her other hand tangled in my choppy black hair.

“Oh you’re so sensitive Bunny…” Pomni whispers against my lips again. It only makes me whimper again. “Makes me wonder…have you had any experience before joining the circus?”

“I-“ Another flick of my nipple makes me stutter. “Hah…I was only 18…Ribbit and I weren’t…ah-hah…that close yet.”

She chuckles. “Good to know…should we wait until she gets back to get started? So that we both take your first time?”

She says that but then she follows up the statement by lowering her face. Then just outright mouths my other nipple through my shirt. I gasp even louder than before, my thighs rubbing together in an attempt to get any friction against my aching cock. Didn’t work much as it was still pressed against me, trapped by my panties.

“Pomni!” I yell her name as she teases both nipples at the same time. At this rate I might just cum completely untouched. My eyes were screwed shut now as I hit my head against the wall behind me. My hair just becoming a tangled mess from all the rubbing.

Pomni takes that as an invitation to go further, so her hand untangles itself from my hair. Down my side…all the way to teasing my cock through my mini skirt. I whimper at the light touch through two layers of clothing. My hips start lightly thrusting as best as they can with Pomni straddling me, trying to gain more friction on my sensitive member. But to no avail.

“Ohh…you’re so cute…” She whispers, finally releasing my hardened nipple. “If I’d’ve known how you were gonna be, I would’ve tried this sooner.” As she says these words, her fingers find the hem of my skirt and pulls it up. And to my dismay, she just stares at the tip of my pink cock peaking out from the band of my panties. Thank god my cock wasn’t furry too.

“P-Pomni…please stop staring.” My hands were currently laid flat on the blanket on my bed, but if she keeps teasing me, I was gonna start stroking my cock for her. Honestly though, I can just tell she won’t let me.

She keeps staring though, her tongue shooting out to lick her lips. My fingers start twitching, desperate to give some much needed attention to my needy cock. I may not have done anything with anybody else before, but it’s not like I’ve never touched myself before entering the circus.

Her eyes flicker to my hands and she gives a teasing smile. “Can I trust you won’t try to touch yourself?”

My breath hitches at her words. This kind of dynamic was honestly not what I was expecting from her. I didn’t realize she was gonna have such a dominant energy in bed.

“Do you like that?” Pomni suddenly asks, her eyes now looking into mine.

I stop for a second and look into her eyes as well, just a little confused. “Huh?” Was all I could get out as my mouth felt dryer than the Sahara desert right now.

“Are you ok with me dominating you? I just want to make sure before we continue?” She asks sincerely.

Her words allow my brain to come back to the present, a little bit anyways. “Oh, um…” My eyes avert a little at that. I honestly wasn’t expecting her to ask.

“I ask because I don’t want to accidentally force you into anything you don’t like or want. Consent is important you know.” She explains softly.

I blush at her obvious care and concern for me. I’m still not very used to someone being so blatantly obvious about being kind to me. Or accepting it either.

“I-…” I swallow harshly, but as to not ruin the moment, I force down any emotions that threaten to come up. I want this, I do. We just might need to stay simple for now. “I’m ok…with you umm…being dominant…but…can we just stay simple a-and…vanilla for now?” My eyes finally met hers again, I was greeted with only acceptance. “We can go further later on once…I’m a bit more used to things.”

She nods happily. “Of course Azalea. I’m so proud of you for being honest with me. We can 100% start off simple.”

From her reassurance, my shoulders relax. Her words and their clear sincerity takes a load off knowing that I won’t be forced into anything I’m not ready for or don’t want.

She takes my silence as an ok to continue. “Now, do you consent to some basic vanilla sex with me today? I’ll ensure not to push you too far.”

I blush at her words, further showing her just how innocent I am with all of this. Honestly I can’t believe it, a 23 year old virgin. But I suppose I had some odd circumstances, being trapped here in this digital world since I was 18.

She was still waiting for my answer, and I was reminded of the pulsing at my crotch. I finally give her a nod, but then she looks at me more expectantly, clearly expecting a verbal answer from me.

“Yes…I’m ok with some basic…s-stuff.” I finally answer her.

She gives me a big smile and sets both of her hands on the sides of my face. It didn’t take her long to lean in for another kiss, or even to press her tongue against my teeth, just asking me to open my mouth. I moan in anticipation and force my teeth to turn into their sharp razors instead of what was there naturally. But Pomni took that as an invitation to make the kiss even deeper. Her tongue delve in to find mine, once it did, I moaned again as she guides into her mouth and starts sucking. Oh god, just how much more experience does she have than me? Does she really want to be with such an inexperienced virgin like myself?

It was almost like she read my mind as her hand goes up to my ear, and she gives a light tug. My breath hitches and I let out yet another whimper, she must’ve been talking to Ribbit to know that was one of my good spots. But luckily it emptied out my mind of negative thoughts. Noted, she wants me, I want her. I need to try my best not to doubt her.

Her hand lets go of my ear and trails down…all the way back to my now weeping cock. From the wetness that was growing between my legs, I could tell my cock was desperate for attention.

This time she puts her fingers along the inner waistband of my skirt, and works on pulling it off my hips. Gently, it slides over my tail, then my bum. She lifts me just enough so that she can pull it down my legs as well. Then she maneuvers and lifts herself so that the skirt was now fully gone.

“I decided it would be easier if we didn’t have to worry about it.” She finally away from our deep kiss to explain, but I wasn’t complaining.

Her hand goes back to my crotch and she palms me. I mewl from the blatant touch as she starts to run her fingers up and down my length through my panties.

“Oooh…goodness your sounds are so sweet, my little bunny…” Pomni teases. I wasn’t expecting her to continue with the dirty talk as we have agreed on vanilla, but I don’t tell her to stop. It honestly only turns me on more. “Now…did you want to penetrate me tonight? Or do you just want to do some masterbation tonight?”

Oh goodness, more questions that forces me to focus again. My mind was honestly on cloud nine right now. I really just want her to take control and do whatever she wanted to do to me. But I understand her hesitation with me being so inexperienced.

I clear my throat before finally managing a response. Though as she keeps stroking my length, it certainly was mixed with more whimpering. “I…hah…would like to stick it in you. C-can I?”

She giggles at my response. “Such an innocent response…but I will oblige.” She decides to finally pull the offending material down my cock, until the band rest against the base of my balls. She then wraps her hand around my length and slowly gives me a more firm stroke.

“Wait…” I moan out as a sudden thought fills my mind.

“What is it Bunny?” She stops and looks at me with slight concern, but she can tell I’m not backing out, so her hand stays.

“C-….can…is there the possibility of pregnancy here?” I manage to spit before I can stop myself. Oh god that’s such a stupid question. We’re in a digital AI world, of course pregnancy isn’t a possibility in here.

But Pomni clearly doesn’t see it as a stupid question. She just cocks her head and looks like she’s actually giving it some thought. Though probably absentmindedly, she was still giving me light strokes. “Hmm…I’ve honestly haven’t thought of it before. I mean, the majority of us are biologically female…well…”

She trails off and thumbs my slit, causing precum to bead out and me to mewl again. “Pomni…” I squeak out. “Can we tame the t-teasing…? I feel like I’m almost about to burst.”

I don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse, but she just lets go at that. I whimper from the loss of her touch, but per her earlier words (even though we’ve decided simple and vanilla this time), I force my hands to stay on the bed.

“Oh goodness, sweets…we’ve agreed on simple today yet you’re already submitting to me so easily. I can already tell this is gonna be quite fun later on.” To compliment her words, she stands on her knees enough so she can give me a sweet kiss at the base of my ear. Before settling back on my legs. “Now about your concern. That’s definitely something we’d have to ask about later. But for now…to ease your worries, why don’t we conjure up a condom? Just in case? Will that be good?”

I blush at the thought of her putting so much thought into my concern, but I nod. “I think that’ll help. I-it isn’t like I don’t ever want kids….I-I-I just…”

Pomni giggles and gives me a sweet kiss on my lips to shut up my nervous stuttering. “I get it. We haven’t talked about that kind of thing at all. So I understand why you’re so concerned about accidentally knocking me up.” She lifts her hand up with two fingers up, closes her eyes for a second, and a little condom packet appears between her fingers. “I can even put it on for you. It’s no big deal. I’m sure we’ll still have plenty of fun.”

I give her a nod and she rips open the packet. The wrapper gets tossed wherever and she lines up the condom with my tip. Giving my cock a couple more strokes, I guess to ensure it’s nice and hard, she slides on the latex down to the base.

Well that’s a new sensation. “It feels…weird.”

Pomni chuckles. “Yeah from what I’ve heard it takes some getting used to. Now…let me prepare myself a bit before you go fucking me.”

I blush at the implications of her words as she leans back a bit. She slips her thumbs into the waistband of her shorts and panties, and starts the process of pulling them off. I salivate at the sight of her bare cunt. She maneuvers in a way that she was able to slip off the material and it gets thrown to the floor. After settling back on my legs she sets a hand on the blanket beside my legs. And her other hand went straight for her now bare cunt. Oh god it’s so wet. I can tell she’s been holding herself back to ensure I was completely ready for this.

It didn’t take long for her fingers to start circling around her folds. Around her clit and vaginal opening. She moans while I just stare at the action in awe. So that’s what it looks like…I was never brave enough to look up porn or anything, so any knowledge I had on female genitalia was from sex-ed class. Which as you can imagine, was practically nothing.

Then before I even knew it, Pomni was shoving a finger inside of herself. She gives a couple of quiet moans as she thrust her finger in and out. Then before long, in went a second finger, then a third. The only noise filling the room was her breathy moans and the lewd sound of how wet her cunt was.

My god she’s a lot quieter than I am. But I force myself to believe that it’s ok. Pomni has clearly already shown obvious likes for my…will probably turn excessive…sounds.

“Ok…” She breaths out. “I think I’m ready. Maybe in the future you can do it for me…or even eat me out.” I blush hard from her words and she gives my reaction a giggle. “So cute. Ready to get started?”

Glancing at my painfully hard cock, I nodded.

She nods along with me and grabs the base of me. She gives it a couple strokes and lifts herself up on her knees. “Hmm, do you want to scoot forward a bit? So you can lean back and give me a little more room to work with?”

“Ah yeah! Good idea!” I scoot forward enough so that my head was still leaning on the wall, but now my member wasn’t as pressed against my stomach. She smiles in appreciation and lines herself up with me.

I’m not too big, but I’m honestly a little concerned about possibly hurting her. I just hope that she managed to prepare herself enough.

“Ready?” She asks one more time. Her cunt mere centimeters above my cock. I give a light nod, my hands already balling up the blanket in anticipation.

And boy was it needed. Pomni was slowly lowering herself on me, and the sweet heat of her inner muscles almost made me cum on the spot. My head hits the wall behind me as I give a loud moan at her behind wrapped around me. It didn’t take long before she was taking my entire length, and good lord did it feel good.

Pomni moans lowly, her hips doing circles against mine. “Hah…you ok down there?” She manages to ask. My god why is she so darn sweet?

She gives another movement and I mewl in response. Does she expect me to hold myself back? Can I cum? I’m afraid if I cum too soon it’ll prematurely end this moment. How does recovery even work here? Oh my god.

“Hey, sweets, come back to me.” I’m taken out of my thoughts with Pomni’s sweet voice, who was still taking my whole length. “Do we need to stop? Is everything ok?”

I whimper from the pulsing heat surrounding me and the sweetness of her words. “I-I’m fine…I’m just…concerned about…um…cumming? Too soon?”

Pomni tries her best to hold back her laugh. “Was that your only concern? You can come as many times as you want Azalea. Stamina and all that is different here, remember?”

I nod slowly, realizing how stupid I am for having a concern like that.

“I know that look on your face, you are not stupid, ok? You are very smart, and I will repeat that as many times as you need me to. Now can I continue?”

Tears finally well up in my eyes at how sickeningly sweet she is. I really hope she never gets tired of having to constantly reassure me. Because as soon as she does, I know it’ll be the end of me. I push that thought out of my mind for now though, I need to focus on the here and now. With that thought I give her a nod.

She smiles and lifts up her hips, then without warning, slams them back down again. I give another loud moan as all of my dark thoughts get forced out of my mind. Enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. It’s ok.

Pomni eventually starts a rhythm of riding my cock. Up and down and around she goes. The room is filled with her breathy moans and my loud whimpery ones.

And unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take long for me to cum. My hands fly up to grab Pomni’s small hips and I hold her down. I moan loudly as string after string gets pumped out of my cock. I didn’t even realize at first, but forcing her to suddenly take my whole length like that caused her to cum as well. So her inner walls were tensing and loosening, pumping out every last drop from me.

We were both quite breathless at that point, and eventually we finally come down from our highs. We slump against each other and the bed, having to catch our breaths for a minute.

After a minute Pomni was left lying on my chest, my cock still half hard within her. “So how was that?” She asks softly.

I give a light laugh at all the stupid concerns I had for this. “Better than I thought it would be to be honest.”

“Good, glad I was able to give you a good time. Do you want to go another round?”

Before I can even think of how to answer that, the door to my room opens and in walks Ribbit. Holding a big bowl of popcorn and some drinks.

“Alrighty…who’s ready for a movie ni-…” She stops in her tracks at the sight of our very obvious position.

I blush and start to freak out at the prospect of her getting upset. My hands start to fly up and my mouth starts to open but Ribbit was very quick to shut the door behind her and set everything down on the desk, with a big smile on her face might I add. So I stop myself.

“I can’t believe you took her first time without me.” Ribbit says in mock offense.

Pomni giggles at her lighthearted reaction. “Heh, sorry there Ribs, I just couldn’t wait any longer…if she’s up to it though…we could go a round two…”

Both girls look at me expectingly. How the heck was I supposed to make a decision like that with my current position?

“I-I…I suppose we could…?” I manage to stammer out with a shrug.

“Awesome. I’ve been waiting for this for ages.” Ribbit gave a little cheer at that before just taking off her bow and throwing it over her shoulder.

Oh boy…this is gonna be a long night.

~~~

Day 1 art

(Just a bit wary on how tumblr is with images of this nature…so I’ll just link to the post on my Twitter)

Note: Stayed simple for this first one. Basically vanilla. Still kind of getting into how they are with each other during sexy times, you know? But honestly, this turned out better than I thought it would. See ya for the next prompt!

Master post (with description, tags, cover art, etc)

Previous chapter

Chapter 10

Pomni POV

Watching Jax walk away from Zooble had once again broke my heart. Why the hell does he deflect and deny us so bad, when he’s clearly struggling to keep everything together? I mean, he didn’t even do the masculinity bit and act like baring his chest was a show of I don’t even know what. Like he even has his tail back now, didn’t he say that was a sign of his masculinity?

I sigh. Once again I’m concerned he won’t survive the night. But I walk over to Zooble, who was staring at Jax walk away as well. This time clearly forcing his gait and body language to appear normal. But we all know he’s upset, most likely with himself.

“Nothing huh?” I speak up softly.

Zooble sighs in frustration.

“Nope…Pomni…I think we need to just let him run himself into the ground.”

My eyes widen from the shock of expecting Zooble to just give up. “No! He needs our help!”

“Well he doesn’t want it. You can’t help those who don’t want it.” They state.

“But-I just…”

“I get it Pomni, you want to help him. But he might be too far gone. I can honestly say I have no idea how anybody would be able to get him to believe anything different about himself. Even you.”

“Why do you say even me?” I ask.

“Well…I’ve seen the way he looks at you, how you look at him. I’m sure in another universe you two would’ve made a cute couple. But not in this one unfortunately. I’m sorry Pomni.”

I shake my head in defiance. “Wh-what if I keep trying? What if I-?”

“Even if you lose yourself along the way?” They interrupt me.

“What?” What are they insinuating? My eyes were wide with concern, my fingers fiddling with each other.

“What if you find him abstracting? Will you be the hero and dive in? To hug him and coax him back? Even if it means you might end up abstracting along with him?”

“Yes.” No hesitation, I say it plain as day. I even stopped fidgeting and put on a straight face. I’ll have to work past my own issues of being touched or being in close proximity with someone else in general. But for Jax, I’d like to believe I would do anything. Nobody deserves to abstract and be thrown in the cellar. Nobody deserves to want to take their own life.

They sigh in defeat, their head rolling back for a second before looking at me again. “Well…I can tell I can’t stop you. Just…be careful will ya? Maybe it’s possible Jax literally needs to saved from abstraction before he’ll open up. He probably needs to face the consequences of his actions to scare him into it. But, you’re probably the only one who can really help him right now. There’s just something about you. That energy that none of us have. I mean, you’ve already helped so many of us way more than I think you realize.”

Gangle had joined us at this point and she nodded her head in agreement. “I don’t think…I would still be around if it wasn’t for you.”

I look at her in shock. “Oh what? There’s no way Gangle. What about Zooble?”

“They…helped me afterwords. You gave me the second chance I needed.” She explains.

“There’s no way. What did I even do?”

“Remember Spudsies? I was very close to giving up that night. You pulled me out of it.”

“What? All I did was offer to close for you. I could tell you really needed to get away but I didn’t think you were about to…” I blush from just now realizing what would’ve gone on that night had I not helped. “Ahhh ok! I’m uhh…I’m gonna go find Jax!” I start to run in the direction he went as I hear Zooble chuckle. I may act confident when it comes to helping Jax, but the others saying I’ve helped them is a bit overwhelming for me.

There is no way my presence here has affected everybody as much as they make it seem like it has does it? Right? Ugh right now is not the time to think about it. Jax is the one needing desperate help right now. But…what if what Zooble said is right? That the only thing that’ll get him to accept my help is to let him start abstracting? It seems so unnecessarily cruel to be honest. But…

I stop walking…and just look in the direction that Jax disappeared in. What should I do? Do I truly just need a different approach? Get angry at him? Let him start to abstract? Something else? I don’t know anymore. Zooble’s little chat with me put other possibilities in my head and I’m truly hesitating now.

Of course then I feel a breeze against my midriff and realize I was still in the beach outfit. I got so bashful after being told how much help I’ve been I totally forgot. So I decided in that moment…that maybe it was a sign I needed to let Jax be alone for the time being, and I walk back to the beach.

~~~

Jax POV

I was staring at a door.

Of a room that Ribbit and I loved to spend time in from time to time.

But I haven’t allowed myself to be here ever since she abstracted. Didn’t feel like I deserved to after what I did to her.

Why am I standing here today? Is it because I feel like I’m closer to abstracting than ever before? Like maybe I need to revisit my good memories before I…leave?

My eyes tear up at the thought. It’s fine. I’m about to get my biggest punishment for being the horrible person I am. I’m sure it’s fine to allow myself this one little thing? Right?

I would go to her room, I still have the key. But…I don’t know if Caine ever reset it after that night. I remember hardly anything from that night. But I do know she trashed the room after she had abstracted. Nobody would tell me any other details. I don’t need to know.

A tear falls from my eye as I shove my hand in my pocket for the right key. I’ve kept this room locked up so that nobody else could disturb our secret place. Ribbit for sure doesn’t deserve to have this place ruined. Pulling the key out I hold it flat in my hand for a second, and stare at it. After a few more seconds of convincing myself that this really is ok, I unlock the door.

My eyes are closed as I open the door, and with a deep breath, I finally open them to properly take in the room.

It was the exact same as I remember, as if Caine knew how important this room was to Ribbit and I. So he preserved it. It was a room filled to the brim with all the different flowers you could ever think off, surrounded by butterflies of every color. Accompanied by the pleasant sound of a crisp freshwater stream, flowing throughout the room. There was a bridge that went over the stream, a path from the door, that goes to a small grassy area. A place big enough for Ribbit and I to lie down, and stare off into the sky.

It had many settings. Daytime, overcast, stormy, nighttime, anything you could think of. And I think you can guess, our favorite was the stars.

When we wanted a place away from everybody. Where we knew no one would interrupt us, this was the place. Yeah we had our rooms, the lake, all that. But this was the place we could be truly alone. This room was so far away from everything else, we probably never would’ve found this place ourselves if we weren’t such avid explorers.

I lift my hand to grasp my opposing arm as I walk into the room. Yet another one of those times I wish I could take off my gloves. A pain stim like scratching at my arm would feel extremely good right now. But I just settle for some squeezing as I close the door behind me.

Looking around the room, almost makes me feel like Ribbit is still here with me. Like she’s just right beside me and is about to grab my arm to drag me to the center. I almost expect to see the supposed hallucination that’s been plaguing me, but luckily, they were staying silent for the moment.

I still feel quite dead, void of emotions. But, the peacefulness vibe of the room is very much trying to cut through that. To get me to smile. But I don’t deserve a peaceful smile right now. I barely even deserve to be here. But since I was given the chance, I just wanted one last thing before I go. So I just walk towards the center of the room, to where the grassy patch was. Getting to the center I look up to the ceiling, it was on basic daytime setting. When no one is changing the settings it cycles through everything just on its own. I finally release my arm and reach up above me, and I make a motion like I’m twisting a knob. It starts cycling through the different settings. Once it’s on starry night, I let my arm fall, and I plop down on the ground. It doesn’t take long for my back to hit the ground too, my arms half on my stomach half on the grass, and knees bent. And I just…stare.

I become mesmerized by the stars. It fills me with such peace, and I take a deep breath, letting the sweet scent of the flowers completely envelop me. A couple butterflies even fly over to me, some land next to me, others on me. As if they knew I needed a gentle touch right now.

I haven’t felt this relaxed…in years. Even digital death felt artificial compared to this. Why can’t I just have this all the time? The calming stars, the flowers, the butterflies…a parson to…share it…with…? No…I don’t have that anymore. What I have here is already more than what I deserve.

I’m not even gonna think about what happened today. Everything with Pomni, with even Zooble. All that fake sincerity. They would rather have me gone. I know it.

I’m ready. Ready to let go. To abstract. I don’t want to cause pain to the others anymore. They don’t deserve the darkness my presence brings. Some may say this is the lazy way out. To just give up. But…I can’t have the happiness I want, the relationships I want, the body…I…no…I can’t even give that one a proper thought. Azalea needs to stay tucked away in the deepest part of my mind forever.

At that moment, I felt a touch on my hand that was on the grass. I turned my head, expecting to find the same Ribbit I’ve been seeing, ready to finally take me. But there was nothing there. Huh?

Deciding I was just imagining things, or it was just a butterfly that flew away, I look back up to the stars.

‘Ja…’

What?

‘St……..rong.’

What is this? This is not the typical voice I’m used to hearing. I almost want to think I’m purely imagining things.

But this time I feel a touch on my other hand, the one on my stomach. Looking down I see nothing there. Not even a butterfly in my field of vision. What in the world is this? Not even my hallucination has ever successfully touched me.

I finally sit up in mild concern, setting my hands flat on the grass beside me. And I glance around the room. Just expecting to see something, or someone.

“Hello?” I call out after a minute of nothing.

Still nothing.

Maybe it really was just my imagination. Wishful thinking. More hallucinations as my brain has clearly hit rock bottom.

‘Buns…’

Huh?

That was clearer. It sounds so floaty though. Like it’s there but not. And did I really hear what I think I heard? Ribbit’s old nickname for me. I haven’t heard that in…two years.

I jump as I feel a light touch on both sides of my face. And a presence. The complete opposite of the presence that comes with seeing and hearing the Ribbit that’s been around.

This presence feels calming, sweet, and full of concern.

‘…gla…fina…to this room.’

Ok I am not imagining things. There is literally something here. Anything that’s being said keeps fading in and out. Along with the presence as well. Like a spirit fading in and out of existence. I almost want to say that it’s…

No, it couldn’t be. She hates me. The one I’ve been talking to is the real Ribbit. Not whatever is talking to me right now. I no way in hell deserve to be in the same room as a presence as soothing as this.

With that thought I push myself to my feet in a panic. Ripping away the touch that was on me.

“Wh-whatever you are…I know you’re not real. Just leave me alone!” I knew I shouldn’t have come to this room. I knew I didn’t deserve to. But I was being selfish, I just needed one last thing before leaving.

My heart rate starts to pick up as I rush out of the room, I have to get out of here.

‘Ja…! No!’

Before the mysterious voice could get anything else out, I was out of the room and locking the door tight. I can never go into that room again. It’s too good for me.

My back was against the door now. I was honestly about to just break down crying and slide to the ground. When I see a flash of purple out of the corner of my eye. What in the world…?

My mind decide to focus on whatever this is now, and against my better judgement, I find myself following it. I round the corner I saw it disappear behind, only to see long black hair disappearing around another corner. Confused, I follow some more.

Why am I following this, after running from a possible auditory hallucination? All I really know for sure is, there’s nothing sane about me anymore.

Rounding the next corner, I see the figure walking a bit slower now in a different direction. I stand still for a second staring agape. That looks like…me? But not?

It’s got the same purple fur, the bunny ears, the same basic figure. But…female.

Long black choppy hair with a choppy side fringe, the same overalls, but wearing an off the shoulder stripped shirt under it. And a cute pink bow on the left ear.

Is that…me?

She looks over her shoulder, I swear I even see a slightly more feminine figure, and a slight swell of the breast. She looks at me for a second. She was wearing some winged eyeliner and had some lashes going.

Is this real? Is my mind gone even further to show me more of what I can’t have? Because I can never have this appearance. Nobody can know. I am a man, through and through. Not…

‘Hey Jax…’ She says. Her voice was just a little higher than mine. Slightly more feminine. But the same darkness that Ribbit’s voice has. ‘You know you want me…to be me…I can give it to you.’ She finally turns fully to me.

“What?” I say out loud, oh god if someone were to see me right now… “I don’t want that. Whatever gave you that idea?”

‘I mean…I’m ripped directly from your head. Aren’t I? You’ve been imagining me while looking in the mirror…wishing you could be me…’ Her form changes to a different outfit. Piercings adorn her left ear, her eyebrow. The makeup turns a bit smokier. The shirt changes to a more oversized sweater, still striped and off the shoulder, with a cute mini skirt. ‘This one too…come on Azalea…follow me. I can give you this form…and more…you can be with Ribbit again. For all eternity.’

I take a step towards her, yearning for her. My hand starts to reach towards her. She’s right. The amount of time I’ve spent in front of the mirror, only to get upset and smashing it. Then wake up the next morning with a huge headache from crying, just to find the mirror back in perfect condition.

Quickly I realize I was walking towards her and I stop myself. “I can’t have that. I’m not allowed.”

‘Who says you aren’t allowed?’ She frowns at me.

“I-…me? My mom…society?”

She tilts her head. ‘But isn’t mom gone? You’ve taken care of her, remember?’ She said in a haunting voice.

“I…I did?” A searing headache explodes through my head at remembering what I’ve done. It was like there was a block on my mind, but as soon as she mentioned it, the wall was removed. I scream and my hands fly up to my head to clutch at it. Memories of what I’ve done five years ago pops into my head. The flashes of screaming, the blood, the horror. I’ve repressed that day so much I’ve forgotten about it lately. I just had the vague memory that I’ve done something horrible.

‘You know…everybody will hate you if they ever found out about that…and me…’ She takes a few steps towards me. ‘I mean…they already do…they just pity you. But they won’t even try to help you anymore if they find out what you’ve done…’

I fall to my knees as the headache continues to plague me. Tears are flowing down my face now. That was honestly such an odd and horrific experience. It was literally like someone had lifted a block from my mind. How the hell had I forgotten such a traumatizing experience from my past? I had really…murdered my mother…right before stabbing my father as well before running. I haven’t even told Ragatha.

‘Now that you remember what you’ve done…’ She rips me from my thoughts. What do I even refer to this form as? Azalea? As if reading my thoughts she smiles at me. ‘You’ve always been quite smart, Jax. I’m sure in another life you could’ve been successful.’

‘But not here…’ Ribbit appears from behind Azalea. Stopping beside her with their arms behind their back. ‘Here, you’re just a piece of shit murderer who only deserves to be miserable until the day you die. Not even being accepting of the body your parents gave you. Tsk tsk.’

I look at them tearfully. “You’re right…” I can’t believe I’m not even bothering to only talk to them in my mind anymore. Again I would be called crazy if someone wandered over here. “I never deserved the kindness you’ve given me Ribbit. And I certainly don’t deserve what Pomni is trying to give me either.”

‘No…not at all…I can’t believe you never told me what you did…I can’t believe I was harboring a fugitive. When I found you drugged off your ass in that alleyway four years ago. Pshh, I should’ve never helped you.’ Ribbit scoffs. ‘I still can’t believe the cops never found you.’

I shake my head. “I don’t know either…” Finally I push myself back to my feet.

‘Well…’ Azalea walks up to me at this point and holds her hand out. ‘Why don’t you come with us? I think you’ve suffered enough for your wrongdoings. I mean, Ribbit here dragged themself out of the cellar so they can help you get what you’ve wanted. The body you wanted…forever with them…’

“But Pomni…”

‘Doesn’t love you like I do Jax.’ Ribbit interrupted. ‘Doesn’t at all really. I’ll repeat it as many times as needed. Now come with us. Abstract with us, and you’ll finally gain the peace and happiness you’ve been craving.’

They were both standing side by side at this point, right in front of me with their hand outstretched. An invitation.

“Ok.” And I grab their hands.

~~~

Note: I’m really challenging myself here. I really hope I’m conveying what I’m going for properly. All the mind fuckery stuff. I really hope to really be able to write an original psychological horror story one day. Maybe even publish it. But not yet. I’m not confident enough in my skills yet. But I hope you guys enjoy this story so far.

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Chapter 9

Jax’s POV

I am such a freaking idiot.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Because I agreed to that stupid challenge, it only led to yet another huge fight.

I feel…dead…

Like I could just collapse and fade away right now.

But I keep walking.

Away from the carnival.

Away from Pomni.

I’m hugging my chest as tight as I can. Desperately wishing for the intense pressure of one of my pillows right now. Won’t even entertain the thought of wishing it was a person hugging me tight.

I sure as hell don’t deserve that kind of comfort.

Probably don’t even deserve the pillow. But…well I don’t even have that right now. So I guess the universe agrees with me.

I’m dragging my feet so much that I’m dislodging strands of grass from the ground with every step. My toes honestly starts to feel a bit raw as I continue to walk, but it’s fine. I deserve any pain that comes my way.

‘God you look like a stupid fuck right now.’ There she goes again…

‘I know I do.’

‘Heh, so pitiful.’

Her presence fades after that. Whatever.

I don’t even know where I’m walking right now. I’ve just been looking at the ground. Will I just keep going until I hit a barrier…or even step off into the void?

I wouldn’t mind that…

Just float around for eternity in the void.

I’m sure it’s similar to digital death.

I’d just close my eyes…and dissociate. Let it take me away.

I let out a sigh. No, that’s a stupid thought. Caine would bring me back immediately. Him and that stupid wacky watch of his.

I miss my Ribbit…

Why do I have to be so stupid and push her away like that? She must’ve hated me so much if she felt abstraction was the only way to get away from me.

I wonder how long she hated me for? A year? 2 years? Since before the circus? I mean, she did disappear for about a month before I found the headset and found myself in the circus with her. We managed to recognize each other’s voices and had a sweet tearful moment. But I’m sure she hated me, happy to be away from me for a month. And she was crying because she realized she still was trapped with me. Then every moment we’ve shared in the circus was fake. She was just messing with me. Maybe she found out what I did…

‘Oh I discovered all of your secrets…Jacqualine…’

I suddenly stop as my eyes widen. My heart stops in the fear of how the hell did they ever discover the name I’ve been thinking about if I were to ever…oh my god.

‘How did…?’

‘Oh you truly are the biggest idiot ever to live. It’s so painfully obvious you aren’t who you present to be. I’ve known for years!’ Ribbit’s voice just sound crueler and crueler as they talked.

‘…I really thought…that you would’ve been the one person to accept me.’ I’m just stuck in one spot right now. Can’t get myself to move anywhere, to continue in my aimless walk. But I feel even more deflated right now.

“Pssh…I would’ve if you ever had the balls to tell me. Could’ve even hugged it out and kissed if you wanted to. We’ve known each other for how long? And you never trusted me enough to do so.’ I could hear their laughter echoing around their words. I honestly don’t know what to think of this. Is this really, truly Ribbit? She had never talked to me like this before her abstraction. Yeah we were brats to each other, but we were just messing around. This is just…I don’t even know anymore.

‘I’m so confused. Are you really Ribbit?’

‘Of course I am my sweets. And I can prove it…if you follow me…’

At that point I hear a rustling so I finally look up. There they were, once again. Standing in front of me.

I am finding it so hard to believe this is really Ribbit. The tone of voice, the way they talk, not even using the right nickname. I just…my brain says that logically this isn’t her. That this is a fake. But my heart…the desperation to have her back in my life. To save me from this pitch black pit I’ve found myself in…it’s telling me to follow them. Even if it does lead me into an even deeper pit.

‘You won’t mock me? Talk down on me? Manipulate me?’

They smile sweetly at me and takes a step closer. ‘Of course not my sweets. If you abstract with me, we can spend the rest of eternity together. In the form you truly wish to have. It’d be just the two of us. No judgement from the others, no responsibility, just good vibes.’

They’re all of a sudden talking a lot sweeter to me. I just…what is this flip flop with them? Do they hate me? Love me? Do I want to run? To follow?

I want to cry but I honestly feel so numb right now. Is it ok to follow them? To give up? Even though she made me promise to hang on and not abstract two years ago?

‘Ugh, I already said you can, you fucking idiot. You’ve been punished enough, come with me already. Before someone comes along and tries to ‘save’ you again. They can’t save you. They’d only be delaying the inevitable. You don’t deserve their companionship. Only the bliss of abstraction. You only deserve me…’

Before I knew it, I found myself directly in front of them, tears streaming down my face as I was about to reach out to them. But then…

“Jax!”

‘God fucking dammit that stupid jester is getting on my nerves! You will keep pushing her away. She does not care for you! Only the ego boost that will come with ‘fixing’ you like you would an abused dog.’ Ribbit grumbled out quite angrily before fading away.

I just stare where they disappeared from, the tears still flowing. Then down to my hand. I don’t…what in the world is even going on? My emotions are just horribly back and forth right now with Ribbit’s constant back and forth between nasty and sweet. They honestly remind me of how…SHE was…

“Jax!” I hear Pomni’s footsteps behind me as she runs towards me. Clearly not done with me for today.

“I…” My voice cracks horribly from the crying, but I force myself to continue. “I said to stop, leave me alone already.”

“But Jax. I’m worried about you.” She pleads with me. I can’t even bear to turn myself around to look at her, I feel like I’ll lose whatever was left of my strength and completely break down if I do. “Please…you don’t have to handle everything yourself. You’re allowed to rely on others. What in the world could have possibly happened that would make you think you’re not allowed to have anybody? Nobody deserves that! Not even the worst of the worst. But I can tell you’re not as bad of a person that you make yourself out to be. So please, let me in, let me give you the help that you need.”

My chest tightens painfully as a sob threatens to bubble up my throat. But I just hug my chest tightly again and force it down. Don’t cry in front of her, throw on the mask. I can’t have her no matter how much I need her.

‘Remember Jax…she’s just trying to manipulate you…’

Somehow from those words, I manage to dampen my emotions back down to feeling dead. It was like a spell how fast it happened. But I relax my shoulders and let go of my tight self-hug. I still don’t look at her though, fearing it would break the so-called spell.

“You don’t want to actually help me Pomni. You’re just trying to manipulate me.” I say unemotionally.

I hear a shuffle behind me as I can tell that hurt her.

“What? No! I’m not trying to manipulate you! Why would you think that?” I can tell she was starting to get emotional now.

“Pshh…all of you women are the same. Always complaining, always trying to forcefully heighten your own emotions to make me do something.” My masked mocking tone was easily slipping in at this point.

“Jax, no! There’s no way that’s really what you think of us.” Good, get upset.

“Well believe it, Pommers. I have never met a woman who wasn’t like that.” Except for maybe Ribbit…but the way they’ve been acting lately is making me second guess that. Pomni will never hear about her anyways.

“Oh my god!” She yells in frustration as she stomps her foot. “Why do you force yourself to hide absolutely everything!? I’ve tried to stay calm with you, to be patient with you. But clearly you need more than that!”

I just stay silent for the moment.

“What? You got nothing else for me? Ugh, I don’t want to fight with you again.”

“Then why do you keep pushing? Why do you keep coming after me? I don’t want help. I want to be left alone.” I tell her plainly.

“But I know that’s a lie! Ugh, what do I need to do to get through to you? I want to be your friend, you idiot. I-I might even…want to be more….but I just…ugh! I still haven’t worked through that part of my emotions yet.”

My ears perk just slightly, more than friends? Ha…that’s a riot. But a low hum from Ribbit in my head reminds me to not believe her.

“I-“

“Hello bug-eyes and eggplant!” A new voice suddenly pops up and we both instinctively look over to see Bubble floating there with his usual dead-eyed stare. “You two have somewhere to be!”

“Bubble, now is really not a good time…” Pomni tries to tell him but he just spins around.

“Noooooope! Caine has something special for everybody at the lake! No exceptions!” Then the freaky thing grew at least 10x its size and opened its mouth wide.

“Wha-? You’re not about to do what I think you’re gonna do are you!?” Fear overcomes me as he floats towards us and wraps his slimy mouth around each of us. We both scream as he swallows us while into pitch black darkness.

Then the next thing we knew, we pop up at the lake. Or at least what used to be the lake. It was now a big beach. Complete with the sand, waves, and the scorching hot UV rays from Sun.

“Alrighty tighty! Everybody is here now!” Bubble announces as Caine spawns in suddenly.

“Oh wowie! Glad you found them Bubble. Hello once again my jolly jokers! Welcome to part two of today’s adventure. For a day at the beach!” He throws his hands up in major excitement with the words of the name of the adventure popping up behind him.

I finally take the time to look around to see that everybody else was here as well. Awesome. Such a great time to be around everybody. When I really just want to hide and die right now. Though my eyes land on a suspicious tent. My eyes narrow at the implications of the blue and white striped thing with literal feet on it.

“I’ve noticed you guys don’t really visit the lake…anymore… So! I’ve decided to give it an upgrade! You can make sand castles, play volleyball, sun bathe, surf, anything! But there’s also one more thing I’m really excited about!” Caine announces to all of us in that annoyingly loud voice of his.

“Oh that sounds exciting! What do you have for us?” Ragatha pipes in. Ugh her toxic positivity makes me sick.

I really don’t want to be here…surrounded by everybody. If it had gone my way I would’ve forced myself to drown in the lake or already abstracting. But no…Pomni had to come along and…I swear she was about to confess to me or something. But why would she do that? Aren’t I just a charity case to her? I’m not someone to ever attract someone. I mean even Ribbit had to constantly remind me that she cared for me. Even though I’m now having second guesses on if any of it was actually real. Or if I just dreamed it all up.

“Jax!” Caine was suddenly in my face practically yelling at me. I didn’t even realize but I was hugging my chest again, tight. Oh god so embarrassing. I can’t be showing this side of me to the others, they’ll laugh.

I force myself to look at him and clear my throat before I even attempt to speak, dropping my arms to my side. “Yeah? What is it dentures?”

“You get to try the tent first!” He yells again waning his arms excitedly.

“What is it?”

“Weren’t you paying attention?” Nope. “It’s a magical clothes changing tent! Step in and you’ll get to wear beach attire.”

I glance at the threatening thing. Oh god…I’d either get swim trunks or as luck will have it…no. I shudder internally not even willing to let the thought of being given THAT by this stupid tent. I’d really rather just stay in my current clothes and sit out of this adventure.

“Can I just…not participate?” I ask him. I’m sure I shocked everyone with that question, I was always the one most willing to participate in every adventure. But I really can’t muster up the energy right now.

“Now, now Jax. Everyone must participate. I’m not allowing anybody to sit out anymore. Now go check out the tent!” He gestures over excitedly.

I sigh and look at everyone else. They all look uncomfortable. Might as well just do it, because lord knows this stupid AI will snap his fingers and force me in.

“Ugh, fine.” Unintentionally my arms wrap around my chest again and I walk to the tent. I step in and immediately the stupid thing starts to thrash around. I yelp from the shock and my arms fly up to try and keep my balance. I can literally feel my clothes being ripped off of me and different ones being forced on. But it’s so dark I can’t even tell what it’s throwing me into. Eventually as fast as it starts, the tent literally spits me out and I go tumbling through the sand. And just my luck my head goes straight into a rock.

“Oh my god, Jax! Are you ok?” Pomni comes running over as I groan from the impending migraine that was starting to spread throughout my head.

“Ow…” I push myself into my knees and rub my head, hoping to soothe away the bump I can already feel forming.

“Oh-ho-ho! What do you think Jax? Pretty snazzy right?” Caine calls out from behind me.

“Ugh…fantastic.” I force out. Why does this stupid AI not understand pain? This is so embarrassing. Eventually I realize I should look and see what the darn thing even put on me so I push myself up. Pomni tries to reach out to help me but I bat her hands away. I can’t accept any kind of help from her. It’ll only lead to wanting more.

I shake out the sand from my fur and look down. My eyes widen in horror from the hot pink bikini that was barely covering my body. Oh god…oh god!

The bottom had little ruffles on the side and was very low cut. Looking at my behind, it was sitting right below my tail. The tip had a criss-cross design with a little bit of space for actual breast. But I don’t have that kind of thing…no matter how much I wish I…NO! Do not let those kind of thoughts enter my head!

I found myself trying to cover my front with my skinny arms, but to no avail. Everybody just kind of stared at me, not saying anything. Oh god, they’re gonna start laughing at me.

“Oh Jax…” Pomni whispers.

“Don’t you dare say a word!” I rip my gaze from her and turn back to Caine. “Change me back right now!”

He shoots up a couple inches in shock and has his hands in front of his.

“Oh! I’m sorry Jax. I thought you would like it. Y-you can try the tent again if you want.” Caine was actually acting a bit timid from my response to the revealing bikini.

“Ugh! Can’t you just snap me back into my overalls!?” I don’t particularly like those either, but they at least covered more than this monstrosity. There was a reason why I’ve always avoided wearing swimsuits.

“I’m sorry Jax, but while you’re at the beach only the tent can change your clothes.” Caine explains.

Oh that’s a load of bullcrap. But I just growl and stamp my way back to the stupid tent. I can tell nobody else knew what to even make of the situation. But I am not gonna give them the chance to even think about cracking a joke about the bikini.

After another round of the stupid tent, I got spat out again. But luckily not into a rock this time. I look at myself to see a simple pair of swim trunks the same color of my overalls. I internally groan…it isn’t much more coverage than the bikini…but at least it’s…no I’d rather have my normal clothes back.

I just shake off whatever thoughts that were trying to creep up and push myself on my feet again. Pomni looked at me with concern, clearly wanting to help. Even Zooble looked at me with concern. But I just brush past them with my arms once again wrapped around my chest.

I find a chair with an umbrella over it and sit down, my knees drawn up to my chest. Caine may be able to force me to be here, but he can’t force me to actually play the games with the others.

Speaking of the others, they look at each other unsure on what they should do. But Caine cleared his throat and they knew that was the sign that they should check out the tent as well. Each one use it, and unfortunately I was the only one to get hurt and didn’t like what I was put in. Everybody else seemed perfectly fine with what they got. Of course they did. They’re probably more comfortable in their own bodies than I am. Even freaking Zooble. They don’t seem as insecure as they used to be. Good for them…I guess…

For the moment, everybody just ignores me as they make the best of being forced to be here. All in their revealing bathing suits…Zooble and Gangle making a sand castle, the other three passing a beach ball between them out in the water. I just wrap my arms around my chest tighter and press my legs tighter against my arms. The pressure hurts but it helps to soothe me.

My eyes stay on Pomni.

She looks…cute…in those shorts and tube top…I can tell she’s more comfortable in her body than I am. She’s ok with not being all girly…or the stereotypical girl I should say…but…

Did I just call her cute? No, no, no, I can’t have those kinds of emotions about her. But she…

I keep trying to tell myself to look away from her. But I keep thinking about what she almost told me. What did she mean that she wanted to be more than friends? Could it really mean what I’d like to believe it means? Am I even allowed to have that? I already pushed one person to abstraction because she liked me more than friends. Who’s to say I wouldn’t push Pomni to that too? Whether it was a year down the road, or even five, it was bound to happen eventually. But…I’m sure she was lying just to get me to do what she wanted me to. There was no way she would ever want I be with a horrible person like me.

‘Of course she was lying you fuckwad.’ There they were again…

‘Is really now the time?’ I respond back mentally.

‘Ha, anytime is the right time. Why don’t you look out into the water? The side where the others aren’t.’

I decide to listen and what do you know…there they were. Out in the water staring at me.

‘What are you trying to do?’ I ask.

‘Well…come abstract with me.’

‘Now? Right in front of everyone? I already did one embarrassing thing in front of them.’

‘They’re ignoring you. They don’t care for you. You can 100% in the chair if you really wanted, and they won’t notice.’

‘But…’

‘In fact, they’d cheer. Oh Jaxy fuck is finally gone! He won’t be around to make our lives miserable anymore!’

I try my best to keep my cool albeit their words. I mean, the others hate me right? They won’t notice if I abstract. I mean, they’ll notice a big creepy monster running towards them. But then Caine will throw me into the cellar and they’ll say good riddance. I’m sure they will.

‘Oh Jaxy…come on already sweets. What will make you finally accept my offer?’ They ask me sweetly.

I stare at them blankly for a second.

‘I…can I really give up? After two years of holding on?’

‘Yes. I can give you what you’ve been craving.’

I can have…my arms tighten further across my chest. No…they can’t promise stuff like that. I can’t have anything I want anyways, I don’t deserve it.

‘I just-‘

SPLASH!

I gasp as icy cold water was suddenly dumped over my head, making me curl in further on myself. Can I really not be left alone for even one lousy adventure?

I glance over to see Zooble walking around my chair with the bucket in one hand, and the other on their hip.

I take a deep breath to work past the shivering that’s sure to start up in a second from the breeze that was gently blowing. After shaking my head to help get the water away from my eyes, I finally say something.

“Why?”

They shrug. “Why not?”

“I thought you guys would be happy with me leaving you alone for once.” I say like I’m pointing out the obvious. “I’m not even doing anything to harass you guys for once.”

“Well one, it’s just a little payback for all the s!$& you’ve done to me over the past year. And two…while I would normally just leave you still over here…not when you’re clearly having a mental spiral. We’d rather you were still with us tomorrow you know.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you really?”

I groan. “Aren’t you supposed to be miserable about the whole changing body thing?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be pulling pranks and causing havoc?”

I turn my face away from them.

They sigh. “I know you have your whole thing with putting us all into very specific boxes. That we’re supposed to only play our role. But that’s not how humans are dude. And I’ve come to accept who I am and the body I’ve been given. It’s pretty cool really, to not have to stick to one thing all the time.” They paused for a moment, maybe giving me the chance to speak up, but I just curl up tighter. At least you have the ability to change your body whenever you want, I don’t have that option. “You know how I’ve come to accept it? Talking to someone. Letting someone in, trusting someone. Someone I can talk to whenever I’m having a struggle day. What about you, Jax? You clearly have problems that you need to talk to someone about, we all know you know.”

With the very last of my strength, I force on my mask and push to my feet.

“You’ve got me all wrong Zooby! I don’t have any problems. I’m perfectly fiiine and sane. Unlike you bozos.” I give my whole body a little shake to get a little dryer. “Now leave me alone, I’ll even leave you losers alone if tot do. I don’t need you, or anybody’s help. Ok?” I see a little ripple around the edges of the beach area. “Oh look at that, we can leave now. I’m gonna go take a freak nap.”

“Jax…”

I just ignore them and walk back to the tent. Will it finally give me my stupid overalls back? I people turn the tent so that it works spit me out towards the circus and climb in. After a third unpleasant experience and I’m out, I look down to see I’m back to normal. Good.

I spot Pomni out of the corner of my eye staring at me. But I pay her no mind and walk away from everyone. I am so done with this place, everyone, and my life.

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Chapter 8

Pomni POV

“Jax…” Tears were flowing down my face as I barely even manage to speak in a whisper. I watch him walk away in distraught. Should I follow? Will I ever see him again if I don’t?

With that thought I take a step forward, but someone grabs my hand to hold me back.

“Wha-“ I once again barely make a sound and look behind me, my still stretched out hat jingling away from my movements. Who would have the audacity to hold me back when Jax is clearly in need of help?

Ragatha…she was the one holding onto my hand. But why?

“Just…give him some space. He’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.” Ragatha looks at me with a tearful smile as she softly speaks to me.

“But-“ I regain some composure and clear my throat. “He needs help. I don’t-…I-I don’t even think he’ll make it through the night if I let him walk away right now.” I try to voice my concerns to her, attempting to pull my hand out of her grasp.

She keeps her hand tight around mine. “No…he’ll be fine. I know he will. He…he’s been through worse.”

I start to snarl at her. “Was that before or after he started his fake funny guy persona?”

Her eyes widen for a second, clearly not expecting me to get upset at her. “I…”

That was all the answer I needed. “That’s what I thought. Whatever it was that he went through, it permanently altered him. He’s probably only even still around because his brain got chemically altered from the experience. Something was clearly keeping him tethered. But…he’s gone further into the darkness now. I can tell. So please, let me go help him.”

She starts to actually cry. “But-…why are you defending him so much? Why are you trying to help him so freaking much!? He’s the one pushing you away. He hurt you, he hurt me, he’s hurt everybody. He doesn’t want the help. So leave him alone already.”

“Wha-? Why are you being like this all of a sudden? I thought you were fine with me trying to help him?”

“That was-ugh. That was until I just witnessed your argument just now. He-“ She stops herself and goes to start pulling at her hair, finally letting go of my hand. A frustration stim that is all too similar to Jax’s ear pulling stim.

I glance back at Jax. He was slowly walking away from us. Or stumbling I should say. Clearly he’s struggling to even stand right now. His hunched back, the tight self embrace, the droopy ears. He literally looks like he’s just gonna disintegrate if I so much as breath on him wrong. “Look at him Ragatha. Don’t you see how broken he looks? He’s a shell of his previous self. There’s no way he’d even live through the night.” I know I could run to him right now, but I’d feel like my relationship with Ragatha would shatter if I ran right now.

“I-“ She squeezes her eyes shut and only pulls harder at her hair. “I’m afraid the same thing that happened with Ribbit will happen with you!”

“What? Who’s Ribbit?” The words came out of my mouth before I could even stop it. I regretted asking immediately, but Ragatha continued before I could take it back.

“She…was Jax’s previous friend here…he pushed her to abstraction! And I’m seeing the same pattern between you two now, I’m terrified that he’ll push you to abstraction too!”

My eyes were wide with concern from her words. I had my hands up to reach for her arms, to try and soothe her.

“Ragatha! I’m not Ribbit. I have no idea what kind of person she was, but I’m not gonna abstract just from something Jax did or said to me. If anything, I’m afraid that our fight just now will push him to abstraction! So please, realize that I’m not going down the same route she did, I’ll be fine.”

“But…” She finally starts to relent the hold on her hair as my touch to her arms helps to soothe her. “I mean…Ribbit…she repeatedly…ugh.” Ragatha was clearly unsure how to even continue, but she falls to her knees in front of me.

I give her an appreciative smile and set a hand on her shoulder and one on her face. “I will be fine.” I reiterate for her. “I’m a strong girl, ok? It’s you guys I’m concerned about. But Jax needs the most help right now. I know he’s been an absolute a&$hole to you guys for I don’t know how long. And being human, you probably had some ‘I wish he’d just…’ whatever type thoughts. But nobody deserves to die, to abstract. Nobody deserves to hate themselves.”

She’s looking straight into my eyes right now. Listening intently for the answers she craves. “I-I mean…I didn’t mean I want to him to…but…yeah…you’re right.”

“Yeah, I get what you mean. Because in a place like this, one of the worst things you can do is make someone feel unloved, make them feel like they don’t belong. And while I know I can’t fix Jax. I can help him out along the way. Help him heal, give him the love and affection that I just know he so desperately craves. He’s not as heartless as he’s trying to make you guys believe. He just…” I felt it was wrong to say anymore. So to stop myself I just lean forward and hug Ragatha, my arms around her neck.

She gasps in response. Clearly not expecting me to do this, but she doesn’t push me away, just wraps her arms around me as well.

“I’m not saying I forgive him for all that he’s done to you guys. That’s something he’ll have to work for. But I need to work on helping him not think so lowly of himself.” I squeeze her tighter, tears escaping my eyes as I bury my face in her neck. “So please, let me help him before he falls further. He needs all of us, to help him see he’s not the horrible person that he clearly thinks he is. But I know that would be too overwhelming for him right now.”

Ragatha gives me a tighter squeeze before pulling away, so I let her go as well. She looks at me with a teary smile for a second before sighing. “Ok. I trust you. I trust that you will be fine.”

“Thank you Ragatha. You’re one of my best friends, I promise you that. I just…”

“It’s ok, I get it. Go, go help him. I’ll be waiting for your return.”

I give her a smile and hug her one more time. Before I pull away and run in the direction Jax was going.

~~~

Ragatha’s POV

Watching Pomni walk away my mind was in overdrive. I have no idea how I managed to hide it from her, but I just know my face is flushing so hot right now.

Her face…was merely inches from mine. The thought to kiss her was screaming in my mind. But the people pleaser in me shot that down before I could let it force me to act on it. And when she leaned in? I swear my heart stopped. I wonder if she felt my whole body getting hot from her touch? Oh my…

No! There’s no way she’s into me like that!

Oh my god…I’ve been here so long…I’m literally crushing on the new cute little jester girl. But…sometimes with the way she acts with me it feels like she feels the same way. But…

My god what is wrong with me? This is not something I should be concerned about right now. I’m just so worried for Pomni…I’m afraid…I don’t know how I’d react if I found her abstracted. But…she’s right…she’s fine. I just don’t want a repeat of last time. But…is Jax technically on the same side Ribbit was last time? The way he looked after walking away from their fight, reminds me of how she looked after their fight. Ugh, I’m such an idiot. Pomni is strong and confident. She’s not gonna let herself be done in by an insecure bully. I just…

“Hey Ragatha?” Zooble’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I swear my heart just exploded out of my chest.

I also scream so loud I’m sure Pomni could even hear me. “I-I-I-what?” I stuttered hard trying to catch my bearings, calm down. You weren’t doing anything, it’s fine. I clear my throat and finally push myself off the grass and look over at Zooble, smile on my face, and brush my hair behind my nonexistent ear. Man I don’t think I’ll ever break that habit. “S-sorry? Uh-did you need something?”

“Just realized you haven’t come back after checking on the lovebirds. Was concerned Jax did something to you or whatever.” They explain.

Lovebirds!? I had to fight down the sudden blush that threatened to come back. Th-they’re the lovebirds!? Did I misinterpret all of Pomni’s looks towards me?

“I-I-ah yeah! I’m fine! I swear! I just-“ I force myself to calm down with a big sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m freaking out over nothing.”

Zooble raises their eyebrow and crosses their arms. Clearly skeptical of me. “I kind of saw in the distance some things happened. Do want to talk about it?”

My hand goes up to rub the back of my neck. “Umm…yeah. Get a different perspective on everything.”

“I can do that. We found some…horses if you would like to be around them. I’m sure that alone can help you out.” Zooble gestures to another field and I glance over, but from here I can’t see. It would be nice to be around horses again though. At least for a little while.

“I do miss my horses…”

“I know you do. Now come on, Gangle and Kinger is over there too.”

“Ok.” I give them a smile and follow them to the field.

Kinger…even though he’s still here, I can’t tell you how much I miss him. He’s so much more absent than when I first joined. Back when it was just the two of us. He helped me settle in, I helped him come out of his depression. I’ve come to see him as the father I’ve always wanted. Supportive, fun to be around, he even kind of helped me through my issues with my mom. He could’ve helped out…ugh. No, Kinger was already too far gone by that point.

“Here they are.” Zooble spoke up as we made it to the field without me even realizing it. Although…the horses were dog size…Great Dane dog size, but still dogs.

“Oh! Well…he tried right?” I say already entering the gated area so I could approach one.

“Heh, yeah. It’s kind of odd considering the unicorns are regular size. But eh. What are you gonna do?” Zooble followed me in and walked over to Gangle. Who was sitting against one of the fence post, drawing on her little sketch pad. “I found her.”

Gangle looks up from her pad and gives me a smile. “Everything ok?”

I gently sit down in the grass next to one of the horses, who luckily took a look at me and laid down next to me, their head on my lap. I smiled guessing I still resonated with horses.

“I think they will be. I just…”I sigh and start petting the horse, focusing only on them.

“Take your time.” Zooble says gently.

I sigh again. “I just…I’m scared for her. I’m scared that Jax will hurt her. Push her to…ugh.” I haven’t told them about Ribbit. And I already stepped way out of bounds by telling Pomni literally anything about her. She was honestly good friends for both Jax and me. So seeing Pomni possibly go down the same path that she went down just…hurts. But… “Pomni managed to convince me that she’s stronger than that, that she’ll be fine. But…the fear is still lingering in the back of my mind.”

“Yeah, no I get it. I’ve had the same fear with Gangle many times over. But Pomni has already shown us time and time again that she’s a lot stronger than any of us. I honestly think she’s the best one here to get Jax to finally come out of his shell, stop bullying others…to be real. We just need to be patient with her. Trust her. You got it?”

I glance at them before looking at the horse again. “You’re right. Ok…change of topic. Do you really think Jax and Pomni are lovebirds?” I knew I had to ask before I go into a spiral.

Zooble cocks their head. “Uh yeah? Have you seen their interactions before their fight? They were 100% on the way getting closer than friends. Why?”

“So…I guess that means Pomni is straight…”

Zooble scoffs. “It is not my place to say but…I will say this. Pomni is so not straight.”

I look up at them confused. “Huh? What in the world could you mean by that?” The only thing I can think of is…oh…OH! I remember…how’d I never…?

They chuckle. “I’ve noticed some things about Jax that he tries his absolute darndest to shove down. And I kind of get the hint that he’s caught on to me realizing. But, I’m not gonna out him. It’s completely up to him.”

“Oh, uh yeah. It seems I might have misinterpreted some things between Pomni and me…” I whisper.

“Hm? Oh…oh jeez. I’m sorry about that. Yeah I don’t think Pomni sees you that way unfortunately. Her sights is only on Jax.” Zooble voices my concerns.

I deflate a little bit and groan. “It’s ok. I think I’ve always known. I just…I’ve been here for like 8 years now. You can imagine I’m desperate for some companionship.”

“Yeah…I bet. Well…maybe one day we can convince Caine to create someone for you. Or someone new will join that would be a good match for you. Though while I don’t wish for anyone more to be trapped here, you know it’s bound to happen eventually.”

I give her a smile at the attempt to reassure me. “It’s ok. I’ll manage. I’m sure I’ll find someone someday.”

“Yeah.”

Though right then an explosion of confetti appeared beside us.

“I can see that you beautiful humans are done rounding up all the animals! How was it?” None other than Caine spawned in beside us. Always at the worst time that one.

“Uhhhh…fine I suppose.” Zooble answers for us.

“Great! Are we ready for part 2?”

“Part 2…?” Was all they could get in before Caine snaps his fingers and we were teleported away. Well so much for having a chill talk around the horses.

Master post (with description, tags, cover art, etc)

Previous chapter

Chapter 7

“P-Pomni!? A-are you sure about this?” Ragatha got up and ran up to Pomni, only focusing on her.

I just roll my eyes and stand back up to my full height and glance around the carnival.

“Ragatha, it’s fine. I’ve told you before I can handle him.” I hear Pomni try to reassure Ragatha. Pshh, she can ‘handle me’? Yeah right. It sounds like she’s talking about a child or an animal when she says that…that’s not…how she really see’s me does she? No, throw that out of my mind. I need to focus on this and win, so hopefully Pomni will actually leave me alone.

How would we even do this? Someone will have to keep count of how many animals we each wrangle up. But who would even be willing to do that? Ragatha is still too concerned about Pomni, Gangle would certainly not even want to speak to me, Kinger would go wandering off…maybe Zooble? They’re honestly one of the most level-headed ones here. And just might actually pay attention enough to count. They probably don’t even want to participate in this adventure anyways so it would give them an excuse to just sit somewhere and chill.

I glance back at the girls behind me to see Ragatha still fretting over Pomni. Who was repeatedly still saying she was fine.

“I’m gonna go find Zooble while you two finish up whatever it is you’re doing there.” I mutter to them.

Pomni pushes Ragatha away a bit and takes a step towards me. “Trying to get out of our bet already?”

I scoff. “No, we need someone to keep count right? They seem like the one who’d be the most willing.”

That makes her stop. “Oh, you’re right. Alright I’ll meet you over by the fenced in area in like 5 minutes or whatever.”

“Got it.” Was the last thing I say before walking away from them.

Ugh, I honestly wish I was still floating around in digital death. I don’t want to be here. But…other than hurting her…the interaction I had with Pomni was fun…I wish I was allowed to have that with her. But…

‘Don’t even begin to go down that path Jax. It’ll only make it harder when she inevitably leaves you. Matter of fact, you should’ve never even talked to her like that.’ Ribbit’s dark voice pops up in my mind as I was walking through the carnival.

‘But…’

“No! She’s not your fucking friend! Get that through that thick skull of yours. Remember how she was talking about you to Ragatha? How she can ‘handle you’? She only sees you as something she can fix. An abused animal. That’s all you are to her, nothing more, nothing less. As soon as you start to actually accept her, to start showing signs of being a good guy to her, she’s gonna drop you.’ I don’t appreciate the fact that she can cuss in my head with no censor. I hate hearing those words…but that isn’t the focus right now.

My ears go down in defeat, arms crossed tightly across my chest. I didn’t even realize it but I had stopped walking too. They’re right…Pomni only see’s me as someone to fix. She doesn’t actually want to be friends with me. Well throwing those thoughts out of my mind went out the window.

“Jax?”

A voice knocks me out of my stupor and I look up with probably a stupid look on my face and a ‘huh’.

“You good there dude?” It was Zooble. Actually looking concerned for me.

And then I realize I was actually crying so I quickly turn around to rub my eyes.

“I-I’m fine! Just a-a lot of…dirt f-flying in the air.” I deflect. Crap, I let my guard down in public. What’s wrong with me today?

“Uh-huh. You know, if you need to talk to someone, we’re here for you. We won’t judge you for it.” They mention nonchalantly, like it was the most casual thing ever.

“I said I’m fine! T-there’s nothing wro-ng with me.” Augh there’s that stupid stutter and voice crack. It’s the one thing that I find so hard to mask when I’m upset. I very quickly clear my throat and throw on my mask before turning back around. “I was actually looking for you, my dear Zoobs.”

They cock their head at me and crossed their arms all like ‘really?’ Before just sighing. “Guess we’re just gonna ignore what just happened huh?” One last giant sigh before bracing themself to just play along with me. Does Zooble just see me as someone to pity these days? I really can’t tell anymore. “Yeah? What in the world could you want from me?”

“Hehe…” Push down all of my feelings Jax. You don’t deserve their help. Pretend everything is great and you just want to have fun. “Pomni and I are having a little competition on who can wrangle up the most animals, and…my abstract colorful acquaintance…we want you to keep count. Now what do you say?” I tried my best to act like none of that embarrassing moment even happened, and luckily Zooble knew not to push.

They just sigh again. “Fine, whatever gets me out of actually participating. Maybe you two bozos will wrangle up enough that we can get out of here.”

I laugh the most real sounding laugh I can muster right now. “What, you can’t leave?” I drawl.

“Nope. Already tried. The blasted AI put an invisible wall around the carnival. I would’ve been gone the second we got transported here if he didn’t.”

“Whelp…then let’s go ahead and head over to the fenced field area. Pomni says she’ll meet us there.” I point out and turn around to head over. My smile honestly dropping right away. Hopefully Zooble stays a bit behind me.

“Whatever you say.” We start heading over. We were silent for a couple minutes before they speak up again. “You know?”

“Hm?” Oh god, I hoped they would stay silent for the whole walk.

“I thought you would’ve been outright ignoring Pomni right now? After your big fight with her?” Of course Zooble would question that.

“Well…what do you think?” I ask dramatically. “It’s funny to mess with the little jester. She’s so itty bitty it’s hilarious to make her mad.”

Zooble hummed in thought.

“I mean, wouldn’t it be funny if I manage to make her entire body red from anger or embarrassment? HA! She’d look like a literal tomato with how round her bulbous head is.”

“Sure, just keep telling yourself that.” Zooble responds all chill-like.

“Wha-?” I glance at them, confused by their reaction. “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”

They hum once again. “I think I can speak for everyone that we noticed…something you might not have realized yet.”

I scoff at that. “There is absolutely nothing between us, you’re reading too much into what isn’t there.” The gated area finally comes into view, and there was Pomni waiting for us. Unfortunately…so was Ragatha…but luckily it gave me an out for this conversation. Though I don’t know what Zooble was even seeing between us anyways. There really was nothing. Pomni only see’s me as something to fix, nothing more, nothing less. No matter how much I would love her friendship…nope! Push that out of my freaking mind! “Oh look! We’re here!” I take that chance to grab Zooble’s claw hand and force them to walk faster.

“H-hey! Let go you f$&@ing idiot!” They exclaim in shock and anger.

“Ha! Hay is for horses Zoobie.” The exact ammunition to get those thoughts back out of my mind. “And Hershey’s make good chocolate, now come on!”

Once we make it to Pomni, Zooble rips their hand out of mine with a growl.

“You didn’t need to do that, I was already following.” They point out angrily.

“Wh-haaaaat?” I drawl goofily. “It was funny…” More of a distraction really. “Now you can just chill out or whatever the hell you want to do here. Just keep track of the numbers.”

They roll their eyes and just plop down on the grass next to the gate opening. With Ragatha plopping down on the other side of the gate. I honestly thought she would be going to find a horse to hang out with, or something. Eh. “Whatever. Just get on with it.”

I turn around to look back at the carnival, and as if Caine was listening in on everything, it was like all the animals seemed to have appeared at once. Huh, only just now realized I didn’t notice them at all when I was fetching Zooble. Weird.

“So, you ready to get your butt kicked?” Pomni says, walking up next to me.

I scoff at her. “As if! I’m gonna cream you. My pure masculinity will come out and I’ll gather up all of the animals with ease.” I set my fingers on my chest and purposely pop it out jn a hopefully masculine pose. I have to convince her I’m a masculine person. She can’t think otherwise.

“Pffft.” Pomni holds her hand in front of her mouth to try and stop her sudden laughter. After a minute she finally calms down. “Yeah, ok. You tell yourself that my clumsy bunny.”

Well that didn’t work at all. But to hide my hurt, I gasp in mock horror. “Oh I am not clumsy! You take that back.”

She flat out belly laughs at this point. “But yo-you are! I don’t think I have ever seen you not fall, or break something, or hurt yourself, or whatever at least once during an adventure.”

I cross my arms and pout at that. I know I’m extremely clumsy, I can’t help it. But I didn’t expect Pomni to be so blatant about it. Anything to help me convince myself she doesn’t care for me though right?

Pomni finally fully calms down and wipes a tear from her eye. “It’s fine Jax. It’s ok to be clumsy. It’s something that makes you, you. You know?” She gives one last chuckle. “I’m glad we can still mess with each other like this. It’s fun.”

My mind blanks at that. Now what the heck does she mean by that? One second she’s insulting me then the next she acts like we’re friends that just hit a bump in the road. She’s only trying to manipulate me, I just know it. She doesn’t actually care for me.

“Yeah well don’t get any funny ideas, Pomni. We’re not friends or anything.” I say hugging my chest tighter and taking a few steps forwards from her, so she’s out of my sight.

“Hmm yeah…keep telling yourself that.” She says before I hear some shifting behind me so I turn back to her wondering what the heck she was talking about.

“Now what do you mean by that?” Oddly enough, her eyes were on my lower backside until she caught me looking. Crap…was my tail wagging or something? That thing always gives me away. It was…one of Ribbit’s favorite features. I still can’t believe it even came back, looks like I need to learn to control the thing. “Eyes up here numbskull.” I swear my mind and my tail are two totally different entities. But I can’t let myself believe it’s how I truly feel about a situation or someone’s words.

“Hm?” Pomni mumbles with an innocent look on her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about bunny. Anyways…I think we’re ready to get started Zooble.”

“Heh, if you two lovebirds are done…” Zooble starts.

I blush from their choice of words and hide my face behind my hands. What in the world is in the air today? Where is this all coming from? Everybody hates me, they’re just messing with me, I know it!

“Ugh let’s just get this started already!” I yell from frustration. I need the distraction of this stupid little challenge or else I might just do something I’ll regret. It’s moments like these I need my internal voice to remind me not to get close, but they’re staying oddly quiet right now.

Pomni laughs. “Ok, ok, sorry! Zooble’ll stop teasing, right?” She looks at Zooble for confirmation.

Zooble rolls their eyes, but understands when to stop messing with me. “Yeah, don’t worry. Alright, are you two ready?”

What even was that? They’re acting so casual with me, both of them. What the hell happened when I was in digital death? Ugh, I just want this adventure, this day, to be over so I can go hide from everybody again. Being forced to be around everyone right out of digital death is always extremely disorientating, especially if I was in there for a while.

I ended up erasing my thoughts and try my best to go into dissociating. Just do this stupid challenge I so idiotically agreed to, then leave. So I turn back to the carnival and smack the sides of my head a couple times. Act like everything is fine, I told myself. Mask up, put on the persons I hate so much.

And with one last smack the big emotion hiding smile was back on my face. My head empty. Good.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s get on with this crap already! I bet I’ll get to see you get stabbed by a unicorn Pomni!” I really wouldn’t want to see that. But she doesn’t need to know that.

Pomni steps up next to me and looks at me with a frown. She looked like she wanted to say something, but saw my face and let out a sigh.

“I hope one day, you won’t feel the need to mask around us.” She plainly says.

Good lord, this girl is perceptive. She immediately clocked the change in me. But even with that, I force myself to keep the facade up. “Whaaaaat? I don’t know what you’re talking about. This isn’t a mask. I just thought it would be funny to see you get violently maimed!” I deflect expertly. “Wouldn’t it be nice if Caine added the ability to bleed into this circus? That would make it so much more hilarious!” I mime my hands in a fountain type movement to drive the joke home. But Pomni just looks at me unamused. Wonder how long ago she clocked that I basically say the opposite of what I truly mean when I do this? She really needs to leave me alone before I really start to get attached to her.

‘How are you so sure you aren’t already are?’ Dark Ribbit decides to speak up.

I almost lost control over my mask and had to stop my breath from hitching. ‘Stop it!’ I thought to them, my smile strained, I’m sure it even widened, judging from how much my face hurts right now. . ‘Stop popping up randomly! I am not attached to her, I’m not attached to anybody here. I can easily just distance myself from everybody and pretend nobody exists.’

‘Like you tried with me?’

“Go!” Zooble’s voice snaps me out of my head before I can even fully process what was said to me.

“Huh?” I dumbly mumble, glancing behind me at Zooble. My mask completely obliterated from the shock from my thoughts. What was I doing?

“Ugh you f!&$wad, go! You’re the one that agreed to this dumb thing!” Zooble yells at me again.

I remember that we were about to start the competition between Pomni and me. Looking beside me I realize Pomni was already long gone.

“O-oh yeah!” Somehow through the confusion I manage to quickly throw my smile back on and start running. Somehow, I quickly think of something to force my mind out the darkness. “Oh Pompom! I can’t believe you tricked me into being distracted! You’re not playing fair!”

I hear some laughter from the distance. “Oh you’re the one that let yourself get distracted! Keep up Bunny Boy, or else you’re gonna lose before you can even get started!” Oh these little nicknames she’s been giving me is not helping the situation.

My eyes land on a mini red dragon that was sitting atop some plushies of us. What in the world Caine? But I ignore that little disturbing tidbit as I run towards it and force out some harsh laughter. “Have you seen those tiny little toothpicks of yours!? I’ll catch up in no time!” Just a matter of keeping focused.

I hear some more laughter as I reach the dragon. It lifts its head to look at me, then scoffs and starts to run away.

“Oh no you don’t.” I growl at the creature and duck for it. But then I face plant into the grass as it jumps out of the way. Pieces of grass gets stuck in my fur and teeth as I lift my head up and growl at the damn creature. It just stops and sits down in front of me, cocking its head. I would almost call it cute if this was any other situation, but right now I’m trying to win my freedom from Pomni. To get her to finally leave me the hell alone.

But I don’t want her to leave me alone.

I stop for a second as the thought flashes through my mind.

No! She has to leave me alone! I don’t deserve her. I don’t want her!

That renews my desperation as I push myself up and lunge for the dang dragon again. The poor creature yelps and tries to run, but luckily I was fast enough this time and I managed to nab it.

“Gotcha!” I yell in victory as I push up off the ground. It scrambles to get out of my grasp but I hold firm as I walk back to the fenced area.

I had a big victorious smile on my face. But once I get back I see there was already five creatures within the enclosure.

“What? How?” I ask Zooble as I set my singular dragon down past the fence. The thing grunts annoyingly at me but walks away.

“Well…remember how you didn’t exactly pay attention to Caine’s explanation of the adventure? Pomni did. She knows how to gather the animals.” Zooble explains, clearly bored with me.

I scoff at them putting my hands on my hips, even looking back at the carnival hoping to get a glimpse of Pomni to see what she was doing.

“What? Is it something stupid like singing to them like a dainty Disney princess?” I couldn’t see even a hint of that red-and-blue stretched out hat of hers so I look back to Zooble.

Who was raising their eyebrow at me and giving a mocking scoff. “No, you idiot.” Their eyes trail away from me then soften at the sight of someone walking up behind me. “Ah there you are babe.”

“Hey Zooble.” I look behind me to see Gangle waving at Zooble and talking in her usual annoying anime voice. She gives me a wide berth, but walks up to Zooble and settles on the grass next to them. “I thought we were supposed to meet at the ferris wheel?”

“Ah yeah, sorry. But this a&$hole…” they gesture to me kind of rudely, I just roll my eyes, “decided to challenge Pomni to a competition for an adventure he didn’t bother to listen to Caine explain…”

“Zooble…” I growl at them. It’s like they were purposely keeping me from continuing. I was getting angrier with every second that passed, my foot tapping on the ground faster and faster.

“…and he decided to drag me into it and make me keep count of how many animals they each bring over. Like…literally…he rudely dragged me over here.”

“Zooble!” I give my foot one big stomp and and straighten my arms beside me, hands in fist, as I snarl at them.

They continue to ignore me. “Really I should’ve just let my arm detach. But who knows what he would’ve done if I did that. I didn’t want to push him if you know what I mean…” Zooble’s voice was just pure teasing at this point. They very much knew what they were doing.

Gangle giggles at the teasing but smartly doesn’t say anything.

I narrow my eyes at Zooble. “Then what you doing right now…?” I all but growl lowly at them.

Zooble waves me off and sits up a bit straighter. “Oh don’t get your p@$&ies in a twist.” Their face twist in confusion from the censor. “Oh f&$@ me Caine censored more words. Whatever. Ugh. Anyways…”

“Oh my God Zooble, you’re buying time on freaking purpose aren’t you!?” Once again I stomp my foot at them.

Zoobie laughs this time. “God you’re such a rabbit. Anyways…you’re supposed to be gentle with them. Approach them peacefully. Speak in a sweet high voice, click with your tongue, crap like that. Make them trust you. You can get more than one at a time and faster that way.”

I raise my hands and smack them on my sides. “What?”

They nod. “Yep.”

“Ugh!” I groan and just stomp back into the carnival. Leaving behind a laughing Zooble.

How the hell am I ever supposed to gather up these animals? Maybe I can find a unicorn and ride it? And like…use it to demand authority over the others and force them with? I don’t flipping know.

Then as I do spot a unicorn, I see Pomni riding on some sort of half house, half dog thing, towards the field with at least 10 different animals. Cats, birds, dragons, flying fish, the works.

She spots me staring at her and she starts to wave but then looks a little concerned. My angry expression must’ve given me away on how I was doing with this stupid challenge. Before she could try to stop and ask I stomp out of her sight.

I just try to go for the unicorn for now. First task will be to tame this darn creature, right? Get on and ride it like what Pomni is doing? Ugh I don’t know! But I force myself to calm a bit and glance at the creature. Its head was down and munching on some grass, but it caught my eye and lifted its head. I gulp as it looks at me, just waiting for the creature to immediately scoff and run, but it stays and stares instead.

“Ok…” I whisper. “Zooble says gentle…but…I can’t remember the last time I’ve ever been gentle with an animal.” I was muttering incoherently at this point, the creature just cocks its head at me. “Like…with Ribbit maybe…? Or when I was a kid…I don’t know…” Somehow the unicorn took that as an invitation to step closer to me, surprisingly. So I stop mumbling and stare back. “Umm…hi. Can I…” I hold my hand out in hopes it’ll help build trust, and step forward and couple steps. But then me being the clumsy idiot I am, basically as if to prove Pomni’s earlier point, my foot catches a root in the ground. I fall face first straight into the grass with a frustrated yell. My arms all up at my sides.

And unfortunately, I hear the neigh and the gallop of the creature running away. It did not like that one bit. Great. Maybe I should just give up. I don’t have the ability to be gentle at all. So I just push myself up and walk to the back of a tent to sulk.

After a minute of walking away I find one to lean against. My anger building again at the realizing.

Crap! She’s gonna win the stupid challenge. She’ll never leave me alone now. Why the hell did I accept this without even at least listening to Caine?

I groan and grab the ends of my ears to pull them. Pain erupts through my head but it calms me. Once it felt like I was gonna rip my ears right off my head, I let go. I did not want to explain why I had bloody and torn ears. With a sigh I look up to see the unicorn I saw earlier again, it was looking at me. Guess I didn’t fully scare it away. But the odd thing was that Ribbit was standing next to it. Petting the unicorn and looking at me with those abstraction eyes. The same figure that was in the bathroom with me.

Even weirder though, the unicorn was reacting to the attention. It leaned into the touch. Like Ribbit was actually there. What the hell? Are they not just a hallucination? I look away for a second hoping to find something else to focus on, they’re not real. But then I get an itch in my brain that tells me to look back. And they were staring straight into my eyes, gesturing to me to come closer.

Should I?

Should I just ignore them and walk away?

I feel like I’m going crazy either way. And who knows if the others can see them or not.

‘Come on Jax.’ They speak directly into my head. ‘You know you want to come to me. Don’t you miss me?’

My ears droop at the sound of her voice. That darker version that always sense a chill down my spine.

‘I do…but you’re not real.’ I respond in my head.

‘How can you be so sure? Are you really, truly sure I didn’t just escape from the cellar?’ They’re testing me.

‘But you wouldn’t be in your frog form. You would still be an abstracted monster.’

They tilt their head at me with a smile, basically inviting me with their eyes to come closer. ‘Well isn’t it common knowledge that we know little to nothing about abstraction? I could be proof that we can come back from it.’

I push myself off the tent I was still leaning against and take a couple steps towards them. ‘But…your eyes…your voice…how you speak…it isn’t the same.’ I had my hands in front of my stomach, fidgeting with the material of the gloves that I wish I could take off my hands. As picking at my nails and cuticles would honestly feel so much better right now.

‘Who’s to say that coming back doesn’t leave us altered? Abstraction corrupts our code, Jax. Me standing here is proof that we can come back, but not perfect, right?’

‘I-I…but you’ve been telling me…cruel things…’ I whisper.

‘What? You think you deserve to be told nice things? I mean, you’re the one that pushed me to abstraction in the first place right?’ She continues to pet the unicorn beside her. Who neighed in appreciation. How come she can placate an animal but I only make them want to run from me?

‘I-…you’re right…I did.’ I agreed with her after watching her for a minute. ‘I’m a horrible person.’

She nods. ‘You really are…I mean…I’m doing you a kindness just by standing here in front of you…speaking to you softly rather than yelling. Screaming at you…now that’s what you really deserve right?’

I nod. I don’t deserve anything other than the worst in people. To be screamed at, shunned, bullied, anything that isn’t kindness. ‘You’re right.’ I can’t believe my actions changed Ribbit so much that she would talk to me like this.

She holds her hand out, an invitation. ‘Come with me Jax. I can give you what you’ve always wanted, what you’ve been craving.’

I stare at her hand, then into her colorful eyes. What do I do? Go with her? The one person in this whole digital world that I want to be with? Or go back to the others? Who all clearly hate my very existence and only see me as an animal to fix.

‘I…I don’t…how do you know what I’ve been wanting?’ I respond timidly.

“Hmm…I know you want to be away from all these people…I know you want to abstract and live out forever with me…’ She responds softly.

‘But…you told me I can’t abstract. That I’m not allowed to. That it’s too much of a good thing for me. I only deserve to suffer.’ Or at least that’s what I remember hearing her say. That day is still so foggy and patchy.

‘Well…I did…but it’s been a year. I think that’s enough punishment right? Come with me Jax. We can live out eternity together.’

This doesn’t make sense. What is she saying to me? Is this really her? Did she really come back from abstraction just to tempt me into it? I…want to go with her. I really do. The logical side of my brain says to run. To run far away. This is just a hallucination that my mentally disturbed brain has created to drag me into temptation. To finally give up on this life. But my heart. It yearns for her. Ribbit was the love of my life. Even if I didn’t really show it back then. She was my everything. I would give anything to have her back. But does that anything include giving up my own life to be with her?

“Jax!” Pomni’s faraway voice yells for me.

One second I was just about to reach for Ribbit, the next minute, I found myself right in front of the unicorn. Petting the . It was neighing happily, nosing me. Huh? Where’d Ribbit go? Glancing around she was nowhere to be found. In a singular blink and outside noise, she was gone.

Was it really all in my head? I wasn’t talking to them? I was just successfully petting this creature the whole time? What is even reality anymore? I don’t know.

“Jax?” Pomni’s voice was closer. “There you are. I thought you ran off or something.”

I look over to see her walking up to me, a smile on her face as she watches me pet the happy creature.

“I…I…” I only managed to stutter. Not sure what to say right now. Is it safe to assume she’s real?

“You managed to tame one. I say that’s a win in my book.” Pomni mentions happily.

“Huh?” My mind is still realing, what are even words right now?

“You were struggling, remember? But look! It likes you.” She reaches up to scratch their neck, which they also appreciated.

“Ah…uh yeah. I suppose so.” Without even realizing it I had a small smile on my face. My mind is so back and forth right now. One second I’m berating myself and only thinking horrible things, then the next…I’m being pleasant with a gentle creature. What do I really want anymore?

Do I want to leave all this? Go abstract in a dark corner all alone?

Or do I want to accept Pomni’s help? And somehow look past the ‘she only see’s you as an animal to fix’ thoughts.

“Hey, you good?” She snaps me out of my thoughts once again. I am extremely spacey right now, my goodness. I’m usually better at hiding it than this.

Something about this creature being so happy to be around me, clicked something in my mind. Maybe I’m not such a horrible person. Right? They always say animals can sense what kind of person you really are. But…I don’t know. This one could just be broken. Before I know it the smile on my face was gone, and I dropped my arm. Just one creature shouldn’t be enough for me to completely change how I feel about myself.

“I’m fiiine.” I drawl forcing on my fake smile. Honestly, I don’t know what to think right now, my head is a mess. So I just put my hands on my hips and look at Pomni. “So now what, Poms? Clearly you won. Are you never gonna take your eyes off me now? Try to fix me? Do whatever it takes to make you feel like you’re a good person?” Finally I’m voicing what Ribbit was telling me before.

Pomni’s face twist in confusion. “Huh? What? No. I want to be your friend, Jax. I want you to stop your self-deprecating thoughts and see that you are a good person underneath your persona. I mean, just watching you pet this creature proves to me there’s a gentle side to you. I’m just tired of the fakeness you put on.”

I scoff. “This isn’t fake, Pompom. I’m not a good person. Get that through your head already.” She is going down a dangerous road spouting all that to me. I need to stop this before I divulge some information nobody in this stupid circus ever needs to know. Before this launches into an even bigger argument than before. I don’t think I can mentally handle another one so soon.

“But-ugh!” She stomps her foot and shakes her head in frustration. Her hat was still all stretched out from when I messed with her earlier…it somehow makes her look cuter…oh…my…god…what the hell is wrong with my head today!? “I know this isn’t you, Jax! I just, my god!”

“But this is me, Pomni!” The unicorn has all but run away now as I yell at Pomni. Any trace of my mask has completely disappeared from my face, just pure frustration and anger right now at her constant flipping pushing. “How many times do I need to tell you that before it gets through your freaking ball-shaped head!? I am an absolutely horrible person, who only see’s you fools as toys to play with!” I was bent at the waist to try and get more eye-to-eye to her.

“But you don’t!” She was trying to get all close to my face as well. “I can tell that we aren’t playthings to you! You want to be friends, it’s just something in that deranged head of yours keeps you from accepting it!”

My god! Why can’t this little jester be like everybody else and just accept what I say!? She is so freaking perceptive and persistent. I swear nothing I ever say will make her back off! But I can’t back down. Maybe I bc could try a different tactic?

“This whole circus isn’t even real in the first place! This place is a computer program, I am a computer program, YOU are a computer program! So why the hell would I ever need to pretend and treat you like you’re a real person? Huh!?” I take a step towards her and jab my finger into her chest. “I don’t know why you seem to have gotten into your head that I’m a little chicken fetus in an egg that needs to be cracked open. Because I am clearly not! I am just the villain of the story that needs to be left the hell alone!” Oh god why’d I say that?

“But-“

I jabbed her chest again, making her take a step back and a grunt from the pain. This whole thing is a ploy to convince my own brain as well. I’m just an evil person who only deserves the worst in life. I can’t have anybody trying to convince me otherwise anymore. But…man I’m tired. I’m so dang tired of this life, I wish I could just not wake up tomorrow.

“I will only drag you down, Pomni.” My tone starts to shift at this point. The tiredness starts to bleed through. “Ragatha was right. I’ve only been trying to corrupt you. To drag you down to my level. You need to leave me the hell alone before you’re too far in the darkness to drag yourself back out. Stop digging Pomni. You won’t find anything you were hoping for. I am not the sunshine and rainbows you claim me to be. You will only find pitch black darkness.” I place my whole palm flat on her chest and push her just hard enough to knock her over. Not enough to hurt her, because even though I want to hurt her enough emotionally to break her, to give up on me. I still don’t want to actually hurt her.

She hits the ground with an ‘oomph’. Good. She just stares at me, I stare back for a moment. I’m so tired I can’t even try to hide it anymore. Can’t even muster up the energy to keep my ears perky. Eventually I decide she’s finally done fighting with me and I turn to walk away. But I guess she decided she wasn’t done.

“I…I don’t believe that Jax.” She says barely above a whisper.

I stop. Why?

“I don’t believe that…you are a bad person. You’ve clearly been hurt though. And have possibly been pushed to making decisions that you regret. I don’t know by who, whether it was someone within the circus…or before. But…I don’t believe that you’re a bad person. And also…I don’t believe that you truly think we are computer generated creations.” I hear some rustling I can only assume is her getting back off the ground. “We are human, Jax. Not AI. Human. None of us deserve to live in isolation, in the darkness. We all need someone we can lean on for love and support.”

I wrap my arms tight around my torso. This is a moment I wish I had a pillow to squeeze against my chest. Especially as the emotion starts to well up in my chest. No, I can’t allow myself to cry in front of her. Why does she push so hard? Why hasn’t she given up yet!?

“No, please.” I shake my head in desperation as I start to crash, I need to get away from here, now. “Stop pushing already, Pomni.” She can’t know anything that I’ve done before she met me, before I joined this circus. She cannot know. “There is nothing more to me. I swear. Just…I’m sorry I’m already breaking our bet. Leave me alone, please. I’m begging you.” I’m sure she’s realized just how much she’s broken me today. I don’t even think this was the resolution to this fight she was hoping for. I won’t blame her, she was trying to help.

‘Trying to fix a wounded animal, remember.’ Ribbit voices up again in my head.

Right. Just trying to fix a wounded animal. To help her own ego.

“But Jax…” Pomni whispers.

I shake my head, trying my best to hold back my tears. “Please stop already. I can’t.”

And with that, I walk away from her. And hope that she won’t follow.