I was wondering if testosterone could really make someone feel more motivated and ambitious after one shot, but then I realized that I was just experiencing happiness because I'm taking part in the act of creation, and I can see a brighter future for myself. The hormones aren't making me feel this way, but I don't feel "stuck" anymore.
Testosterone doesn't automatically make you feel confident, but I have an iron-strong will to live because I actually want to be here and do things and see people. I finally know for a fact that the man who has spent his entire life curled up inside of my chest is going to float his way toward the surface, and he'll get to see himself in the mirror, and I'll get to see myself in the mirror, and he'll be me, and I'll be him. Maybe I'll start smiling in pictures, or at least stop hiding my face in them. I think I will.
I didn't get overwhelmingly stoned alone in my bedroom yesterday, or the day before, or even the day before, when I hadn't taken my shot yet. Instead, I did things that I like to do. I drew. I wrote. I turned an old shirt into a crop top and walked 7 miles around town. I still smoked a little, but it was one hit off a dispo and I decided I was fine with just one. That's not the kind of person I've been in the past. I've always been very addicted to everything, but at this point, I just want to be alive.
It's not a miracle---it's medicine---but the joy feels like magic. I'm looking at the man inside myself and letting him know that it's only a matter of months before the world gets to meet him. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't used to have this type of hope in myself, and the mere knowledge that it'll get better is already encouraging me to pursue other forms of happiness.
That's what we mean by "Trans healthcare saves lives." It's joy---trans joy---that saves people from a life that doesn't belong to them.
sugurugetos
stormborns
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
