real T hours

its been a long, painful, and frustrating journey. im still not able to switch from injections and im far from affording surgery, but im finally a FULL YEAR on testosterone! this is a milestone i couldn’t have dreamed i’d make it to even just a few years back and it feels so surreal... and honestly despite the struggles, i wouldn’t have made a different decision no matter. cause for the first time in my memory, i’ve finally started to like myself 

i really have felt like. so much more at home in my body than i can ever remember feeling. i was talking to my partner about it earlier, and like. weirdly, it feels like a relief more than anything? i still haven’t had top surgery which i know will be the biggest relief imaginable (binding has started to hurt like. seriously bad lately, and i have to do it 9 hours at a go almost every day for work), but even just the small changes have given me these occasional feelings of just like. genuine contentness in the moment that i’ve never felt before. 

unfortunately, i still don’t pass very well even 10 months on T. i chalk that up to my “facial hair” coming in transparent still mostly. but i feel more confident when i speak, i love how fluffy i’ve gotten, i can see my shoulders and upper arms filling out and my hips getting a little slimmer which is Epic. i even prefer the way i smell now which is a wild thing to have a feeling about one way or another. overall, i think any anxieties i had that i was “not trans enough to transition” are mostly gone due to just how overwhelmingly better i feel in my own skin even at this point.

not much has really changed markedly. my singing voice is unfortunately Just Gone right now but im praying it will become stronger again with time... body hair is VERY thick and dark, i am so fluffy and loving it. facial hair NOT so much tho. realised what im seeing are “vellus” hairs, not terminal hairs becuase theyre see-through and quite soft to the touch. hoping the real ones come in Eventually. lord knows i can wait, i have waited a decade to get to this point already fdgjk

i think the biggest change lately has been an internal one. for the first time in my life im starting to recognise a feeling ive had recently as tiny shreds of this wild concept called “self confidence”. its less that my dysphoria is going away, but more that im actually starting to see a tiny bit of what must be gender euphoria which is blowing my mind. ive never looked at myself in the mirror and felt anything positive before. ive never liked any aspects about my body. but i guess ive just finally started to feel at home...

since i figured out i wasnt cis when i was 17, ive had this horrible dialogue in my head that was essentially, becuase im nonbinary, even if i have dysphoria, even if i desperately want to transition, i will never be trans trans. ie, i will never have the same feelings or the same experiences as a “real” trans person and my transition is basically just a selfish body mod. but every time i get overwhelmed with joy when i see something as simple and stupid as my happy trail poking out from under a shirt, im like. damn ok. maybe i AM trans trans HHFDGJK like i really do not have to be binary trans to experience the same dysphoria, euphoria, and deep psychological positive effects from transitioning. 

anyway, im doing good i think! i think im so happy that even my hair has perked up :’)