black hole sun

“If nothing else you’ll know more about yourself than you did before, that’s never a bad thing.” He returned her smile. “You really want to get bendy with me? Tai chi yoga, the kind I practice is no joke but It’ll be good, we’ll be able to connect on different levels and shit,” he teased. In the few beats of silence that had passed, he went to smooth a strand of her hair away from her face. His eyes moved over her face and caught her gaze.“Where’d you go just then,” he asked, lips curved into a full on grin. His first thought was maybe he was saying too much too soon, their situation being as daunting as it already was. His second thought was maybe not so much; everything felt right. He felt like he was finally in the right space with her, at least getting there. He was actually starting to feel like he was somewhere he belonged.”Good, I’m glad; we’re making progress then, at least it feels that way.”

He rolled his shoulders into a shrug. “I don’t know, not like I expect you to have ALL the answers, but sounds like you have some perspective to offer, lots actually.”Listening to her now with all of her guards now, really hearing her and how she saw things had really opened his eyes to her in a new way. She was this thoughtful, insightful creature of introspect, so much more than just a pretty face–seeing her in this different light was endearing and intriguing. “It was the same for me, you know? I wasn’t in a position to admit that at the time, but you helped me out of a dark place and you don’t even realize it. I was still dealing with my daughter’s passing and in ways I mean I still am, but I was still in a deep depression then especially. Truth is I didn’t stick around because I scared, to feel anything but that grief, it just didn’t feel right at the time. I don’t know if that makes sense though, am I making sense to you?”

He brushed a thumb across her cheek, her softness and vulnerability palpable. The thoughts she shared about her process of change when Alex came along all that more heartwarming. The thought that he had been responsible for bringing a living being into the world and not been there nurture and bond with his son saddened him beyond words. The thought that she’d been carrying the burden on her own weighed heavily on him as well but at least she’d found some solace in her role as a mother. “I don’t think anyone is meant to be alone, but….I’m glad I played a part in fulfilling that need, even though it was indirect. And I’m grateful. Sooo damned grateful,  for both of you,” he said, pressing his lips gently on top o her head, then her forehead, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers.

“Of course I want to get bendy with you,” she chuckled, “You remember that I do practice yoga, right? I don’t keep up on it as often as I should but — now that you’re here.” Her look was a bit of a teasing and playful one, fully enjoying the turn in dynamics between them. They were feeling more how they used to and Gema was glad they could get back on track. “Do you really want to connect with me on all these levels?” She shook her head a little at his question and smiled a little sheepishly, “Probably no place good. I’m a bit of a self depreciating asshole — it’s hard for me to accept someone caring about me, said or not. I want to change my reaction but I don’t know how. You say it and I want to question you on it, and it’s a weird feeling because as I said — I feel it. I feel that you do care about me.” The brunette sighed, she didn’t want to take the conversation downward, so she smiled. “I’m working on it. And I agree,” she smoothed her hand up and down his bicep, “it feels good to make progress.”

Nodding her head, she could easily accept that she had lots of perspective to offer, as she had lived quite a life. Something she wanted to share with Gabriel; her past. She had never opened up to anyone about it before and he had been the only one she offered glimmers to, Gema supposed if he knew the full truth that he wouldn’t accept her. Maybe, in part, that was another reason for her bettering herself. “It makes perfect sense, Gabriel,” she assured. “I understand what grief can do to a person and how one can actually become comfortable in it. And losing a child goes against nature so I don’t expect that you’ll ever let that go and you shouldn’t. I just hope you can, if you  already haven’t, found positive ways to carry on with her in your life. Put up pictures and talk to her at times during the day or when you feel like it, involve her and keep her memory alive in ways that feels good.” She shrugged a little, “That’s what helped me with my mom. I know it’s not the same, but I still talk to her.” Leaning in she kissed his cheek. “I’m glad I was able to be there or help you in any way. Don’t forget that for the now and the future.”

“I’d say your part was pretty direct, Gabe,” she teased. “Really though, you made me feel it first — I had a glimpse of it with you but the timing wasn’t right then. And to be completely honest with you — I’m hoping the timing is right now.” Her expression turned a little nervous, as she wasn’t used to making these type of big expressions. “And I don’t mean that in a way where everything comes right this second — we both need some time, I just mean that I hope that journey is starting now.” She soaked up the affection like a sponge and leaned into him, they weren’t some functional family yet but it meant the world to her that he was there now. That he would get to be with his boy and she would be able to watch them together.

“The doctor in me says If you’ve tried all that and not had consistent results I’d say your next step would be to have a sleep study where your sleep patterns, brain activity, blood pressure and the like can be monitored…they even do blood tests to determine if there’s a potential medical issue.” He smiled and gave her a thoughtful look. “I could teach you some things I’ve learned along the way in the meantime, that is if you don’t mind taking the new agey route—some mindfulness exercises, little yoga before bed, deep meditation, that sort of thing. Might help, might not, it’s a worth a try if you’re open to new things,” he offered, posed more of a challenge than a statement.”Just saying, I don’t want you to think that because I don’t say it as often as you might want to hear it, doesn’t mean my feelings are any different. I need to verbalize that is all”

He nodded in agreement with regard to their conversation about change. “I didn’t believe or understand that to be the case  when forced to let myself be angry, grieve without guilt. Sometimes I still struggle with accepting the change, but at least now I can give myself permission to move on, trying anyway. That’s the war I was talking about before. So what was the catalyst for you, when did you figure this thing called life out? Was there some event or thing you faced that helped you gain the insight?” He asked out of genuine interest, finding the motivations behind human behavior to be fascinating. That was just his nature though, always questioning and reasoning and analyzing, perhaps over analyzing. Moreover, he missed this kind of human contact, just talking and being real with one another on any kind of level really, It was like satisfying a fix or a craving; to have conversation beyond the mundane superficiality of life in general and intellectual stimulation made him feel giddy and euphoric and deeply connected.

”But it shouldn’t be that way,” he countered, his said, his arms effortlessly circling around her as she embraced him. He let out a soft sigh and bit his lip, just quieting himself for beat of silence, letting himself soak in her presence, both physically and emotionally. A smirk etched on his lips, he found her gaze as they held one another. He felt oddly calm and warm, just comfortable, like old times even.”What are we doing, Gema?” he asked, softly. He wanted lines to be clear. He didn’t know if she was just being casual with him, an innocent hug or if she felt the stirring he was feeling, and even if she did, were they to act on it? He wasn’t even sure that he could he act on it, give his current circumstances, being all fucked up emotionally, but he felt like maybe he could. And here he was, overthinking again. Without another second’s thought, his hands draped around her neck and he just went for it, he kissed her. Again. And Again.The heat from their commingling was perfect and natural and when he felt the rise of need from his groin and his hardness pressing against her belly, this fervent stirring of need and want, he was left wondering why they’d not come together sooner. As the kiss broke and they came up for hear, his gaze flickered over her curves and he felt his cheeks going flush with warmth, the proof of his yearning still pressed against her. A faint grin hanging on his lips, he leaned in again, ran his tongue over her bottom lip. “I want to kiss you again, but I can’t promise I’ll stop this time,” he warned, his voice a hoarse whisper.

“I don’t mind. If it’ll help me get some more sleep then it sounds worth it from where I’m standing,” she smiled a little. She’d done yoga, in fact, it was a preferred work out for her, but the thought of doing meditation seemed almost daunting. It wasn’t so much that her thoughts were rapid and constant like someone with ADD or ADHD, Gema still had a hard time calming and focusing enough for the activity. She wished she could pin down what made her such a restless person sometimes. “You might have your hands full in teaching me those things but I’m up for it.” She nodded and glanced down for a moment, a few seconds of reflection catching her before responding. “Well thank you for saying it. Hearing it is great, it feels really good, but I’m just as good with it if I feel it — that might even be more important.”

“Well, change isn’t easy and I think it’s a rare thing for someone to fully accept change openly and easily. Hardly anyone shrugs and goes ‘okay’ when it comes about. We often fight it and eventually come to a place of acceptance, but there’s an often bumpy road to get there, and in hindsight we can sometimes see the value in the change. I suppose that is if it’s a change reflected in growth.” Reaching out and rubbing his shoulder, she nodded, “As long as you’re trying.” A breathy chuckle came at the thought of having life figured out. “What makes you think I have it figured out? I think I’m struggling just as much as everyone else out there and the reasons for so much shit is a mystery to me. But — thankfully, growth for me came when I was pregnant with Alex and it’s just continued from there. He forced me to grow up and learn true responsibility, that life isn’t about me being out for myself and that I don’t have to be alone. That I wasn’t meant to be alone.” After losing her mom, that had been all Gema had felt; alone. “You have been a big influence in my life too, you know? I never cared about someone else until you and I got involved.” It made her realize that she really did want to feel loved in life, that she wanted love.

“NO, I don’t think I’ve heard that from you before,” he said. “So all these years and no relief? What have you tried so far?” he asked curiously. He knew that insomnia wasn’t all that uncommon especially when dealing with outside influences like stress or depression, but there were ways of lessening its effects, especially over long periods of time. The fact that she was still struggling after all the years that had passed was an indication to him that there was a much deeper issue at play but he wouldn’t force his assumptions.“Thanks for saying that, reassuring me over and over again; I missed being around you two as well. Guess I don’t say it as much as I need to.” He held onto her hand a few seconds longer before letting go. His gaze dropped to hers and her eyes were as brown and piercing as ever.  Feeling himself go flush with warmth, He took in a sharp breath and settled himself, just trying  to be present in the moment. “Thank you for saying that but feeling judged isn’t a worry I really have, especially by you of all people–things just are what they are, you know? I’m okay with it, just a small part of this war I’m fighting in my head.” Transparency was important to him. It was his hope that with things laid out plainly, there was little room for said judgement and unrealistic expectations. “Yea, true enough, I’m still me, but parts of me aren’t the same and I’m just coming to terms with that, maybe even learning to accept that change isn’t always a bad thing, just a matter of getting over this slump I find myself in and eventually moving forward–I’m getting there.”

He smiled easily as she spoke. The idea of having them around now was appealing, and it was heartwarming that they could even have this talk now when things seemed so bleak at first. A yearning to fill up the empty, needy spaces inside of him, just needing something more than he had and missing the place that felt most like home was what brought him back to Hickory Creek to begin with. “I’m appreciative, I’m not lost on your generosity and willingness to be there for me. Thank you for reminding me and reassuring me again–I’ll do my best to be there for you as well, like I said before, it’s goes both ways, I’m just as good a listener. Whenever you’re ready to talk about what’s keeping you up at night, I’m willing to lend a non judgmental ear.”

“A shower’s never a bad thing, I feel clean and all that but you know, doesn’t really change my reality,” he said earnestly, more of a point of introspection or himself to ponder than anything else. He nodded a thanks as he took the mug when she returned.”But that’s okay, I’m learning to accept things for what they are and not necessarily hope for some magical outcome. That sounds stoic but it really helps to look at my situation realistically, for what it really is.” It felt good to just talk open and share without reservations with someone other than his therapist, but at the same time he wasn’t keen on oversharing or the focus solely being on himself. He took a breather from his rambling to get comfortable on the sofa and sip on the tea, not his favorite of libations but he was curious to see if the tea really had this magical calming effect he’d read about countless times. “So tell me about what’s been going on in your life, outside of work and adjusting to being a new mother. I want to hear about specifics; struggles, challenges, wins–whatever comes to mind, just spill.“

“I’ve had some relief, I mean — there were certainly times I slept better than others but I’ve had this insomnia curse since my early teens.” She breathed in and sighed out, giving some thought to what she had tried before answering. “I’ve tried over the counter sleep aids and prescribed ones, I’ve tried TV and no TV, I’ve tried music — I have a hard time shutting my mind off but even then once I do fall asleep I wake pretty often. So I average about four hours of sleep a night. Do you have recommendations, Doc?” Gema smirked a little, another try at being a little playful. The touch, his hand lingering on hers, the look he gave her as he stared into the depths of her dark eyes, it all felt good and warming. “You say it when you want to, when you feel it, and that’s good enough for me.” The brunette nodded her head in understanding as he spoke of the war he was fighting in his head. “What is the war in your head? What all are you fighting?” The last thing she would expect was a detailed answer, Gema was simply hoping for an idea. “No, I don’t think change is a bad thing. I think we all have to change and evolve over time and with the experiences we have. And you’re right, you’ll get there. And you’re not alone in it.”

Since they had reunited in town before heading to lunch, and before things went a bit to shit, the only embrace she had shared with Gabriel was then and after all this time it was paining her when she truly had missed him and wanted badly to be affectionate with him. Her movement was cautious and slow, for him, but his words made it impossible for her to hold herself back any longer. Gema gently took his arm, pulling him towards her and her moving into him and she wrapped her arms around him. “I know you’re there and thank you — we’ll talk at some point about all these things. Me, right now, is far from any priority. You and Alex are.” She pulled back from the hug with a smile on her lips. “I was thinking if you want to bring your work here during the days and such, I wouldn’t have to rely so much on a nanny. Or she can be here since I’m not sure if you’re able to break away — but maybe that’ll be good for the both of you. If you like that idea.”

He nodded as she spoke, taking in what she said. He made a genuine effort to be  careful, thoughtful, understanding and sensitive with his words in response. His own set of circumstances had made he more aware other’s feelings in that regard. “I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with insomnia, it’s the absolute worst. No one should be deprived of sleep, it’s cruel world we live in, eh?” he said and smiled, though it wasn’t really a fun topic in the least. “Did you know some people say when you can’t sleep, you’re awake in someone else’s dreams? The thought of it is kind of creepy, but it makes sense at the same time, I think,” he mused. Nodding at her comment about insecurity, he said, “Yea, well you’re not wrong. I’m very insecure about a lot things that happened to me and the impact everything has had, not really something I can control,” he explained. “No apologies needed, really has nothing to do with you, just those insecurities rearing their ugly head again. I’m sorry if I’m making you feel uncomfortable in anyway, I’m trying, working really hard on being  like the old me, just taking some time is all. “Thanks, I’m glad…glad I can be here then.”

 At her question, he gave a slight nod. “That’s part of it…besides all the skin grafts and reconstructive surgeries I’ve had to repair my side and my back, my femur and hip were crushed and honestly, I’ve struggled with weaning myself from all the pain meds–not that I’m in trouble or anything, just don’t want to be as reliant as I have been, so sometimes I choose to deal with the pain than deal with the meds. It gets intense sometimes; there might be days you notice I’m moodier than others, or more easily agitated, well, that’s what I’m dealing with. And some other emotional stuff I’m dealing with,” he said, revealing more about his struggles than he had with anyone else. He was pacing, a hand bumping over the rough edges of the scarring on his side, as if to soothe himself as he spoke. “Thanks, I remember, not really hungry though,” he said, letting his hand rest on top of hers and she touched his arm. “And Gema, thank you again, for going to all the trouble and everything,” he said, nodding toward the bed as she moved to strip it down, really going above and beyond and he wouldn’t forget. After he’d showered and changed, she hadn’t return to the room she was staying in so he went down to see if she were still up, if not, he figured he’d just  find his way back to his room and make due the best he could, but alas, the light from the television was flickering and a smallish frame appeared amidst the shadows. “That you?” he asked cautiously, squinting his eyes against the dark. “I think I’ll take you up on that tea now,” he said, assuming she had some type of sleep inducing tea leaves brewing up for them.

Gema breathed a small chuckle and nodded her head, “It is. But there’s some things that make it worth it.” She thought of their boy sound asleep in the other room at that moment, and Gabriel himself, no matter what he’d always be important to her. “Did I ever tell you I stopped speaking after my mother died? It was — over a year later when I found my dad that I started speaking again, and it was to yell at him. That was when the insomnia started.” She nodded her head, “I’ve heard that before and it makes me wonder who the hell could possibly be dreaming of me so damn much.” Gema chuckled, trying to make a little light of the situation, it was a heavy thing for each of them as that was easy enough to sense and gather. “No one can blame you for being insecure, Gabriel. It’s completely understandable — just know I’m not judging you, ok?” A small smile appeared on her lips and she shook her head gently, “You’re not making me uncomfortable. I just care about you and want to take care of you, you know? While not trying to be smothering at the same time. You’re still you, Gabriel. And take all the time you need.”

Holding her gaze, he blinked at her wearily. “Why is that? You have trouble sleeping as well or is there another reason?” He took in a slow, tedious breath watching her features as she spoke, really looking at her wholly the first time since they’d reconnected and regrettably, he saw hints of tiredness and sadness. “That goes both ways, you know? I’m here if you need to talk or just want an ear.” As she moved toward him unexpectedly he let out a shaky breath. Gabriel felt his entire body lock up at the feel of her hand on his shoulder. Outside of a doctor or nurse it was the first time anyone had touched him and though he was certain the contact hadn’t been meant in an intimate way, his body reacted in a way he hadn’t expected and in that brief instant had no control over. However, after a few beats passed, he was able to let out the breath he was unconsciously holding, his large, muscled frame willingly  relaxing under her touch. “It’s not about forcing me,” he countered. “I want to stay, I want to be here, it’s just–I don’t want to be a disruption in your home, and look, I’m already being a pain in the ass.” He nodded solemnly in acknowledgement of the offer to shower. He had opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. The thought of getting undressed, revealing his scarred flesh  to her terrified him, but how did he express that without sounding ungrateful or appearing as though he didn’t want or need what she was offering when he was merely struggling? Wetting his lips, his gaze drop to the floor a second as he swallowed his pride and got up to take off his shirt. “Okay, yea, a shower sounds good, that all sounds really good…”

Shoulders rose and fell in a shrug, “Trouble sleeping, yes. It’s not as bad as it used to be — just insomnia really.” All she really remembered about it was that it started sometime after she lived with Mitch, and it got bad during times of stress. “Sorry,” she mumbled out and gave a weak smile when he flinched under her touch and froze. Gema didn’t remove her hand though, she wanted to be soothing not a cause for him to feel worse off than he appeared to be. So she waited on Gabriel to settle before slowly letting her hand drop from him, and sat shoulder to shoulder with him. “I don’t think that way, that’s you and your insecurity saying it.” She knew the words could be taken in a mean way, though definitely not intended that way so the brunette followed up to clarify. “You know I can speak up, Gabriel. If I thought you were being a pain in the ass, I’d say so. You’re not a disruption either and I’m glad you want to be here ¸— we want you here too. Ok?” Gema offered him a caring smile and a bit of a nod of her head, as if to assure the words spoken. She was a little surprised when he got up and she moved to get up as well, unsure if he was about to dart out or what.

He let out a sigh of relief learning that at least Alex hadn’t been disturbed. “Good, sorry I woke you then.” he said, pressing palms together to steady the trembling limbs. “No, thank you, Gema,” he said, pausing for a beat then added, “My first instinct was to stay at home and come in the morning cause of these night terrors. Just thought I’d be okay if I stayed awake but I guess too many sleepless nights finally caught up with me–that’s it really, not much else I can talk about. Sorry again…I’ll head home you want so you can get some rest at least.”

Bold what applies to your muse.

PLACE IN SOCIETY

Financial: Wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

Medical: Fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged

Class or caste: Upper / middle / working / slave / Unsure

Education: Qualified / unqualified / studying

Criminal record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no

FAMILY

Married - happily / Married - unhappily / engaged or betrothed / partnered / single / divorced / separated

Has a child or children / has no children / wants children

Close with sibling(s) / Not close with sibling(s) / Has no siblings

Orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parents/grandparents

TRAITS + TENDENCIES

Extroverted / Introverted / in between

Disorganised / Organised / in between

Close minded / Open minded  / in between

Calm / Anxious / in between

Disagreeable / Agreeable / in between

Cautious / Reckless / in between

Patient / impatient / in between

Outspoken / Reserved / in between

Leader  / follower / in between

Empathetic / Unempathetic / in between

Optimistic / pessimistic / in between

Traditional / modern / in between

Hard working / lazy / in between

Cultured / un-cultured / in between 

Loyal / disloyal / unknown 

Faithful / unfaithful / unknown 

BELIEFS:

Monotheist / polytheist / atheist  / agnostic

Belief in ghosts or spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in an afterlife:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in reincarnation:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in aliens:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious

Philosophical: yes / no

OPINIONS

Pro-suicide / anti-suicide / doesn’t know or on the fence

Pro-euthanasia / anti-euthanasia / doesn’t know or on the fence

Pro-choice / anti-abortion /  doesn’t know or on the fence

Pro-marriage / anti-marriage / doesn’t know or on the fence

Pro-death penalty / anti-death penalty / doesn’t know or on the fence

Pro-drug legislation / anti-drug legislation / doesn’t know or on the fence / depends on the drug legislation

Left wing / right ring / middle / doesn’t know or on the fence 

SEXUALITY + ROMANTIC INCLINATION

Sex repulsed  / sex neutral / sex favourable

Romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favourable

Sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious

Potential sexual partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all 

Potential romantic partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

ABILITIES

Literacy skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Artistic skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Technical skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

HABITS

Drinking alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Smoking: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Other narcotics: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Medicinal drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Indulgent food: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Splurge spending: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

Waking with a start,  Gabriel’s eyes flew open as his heart hammered against his chest and heavy limbs twitched and jerked. Body drenched in sweat, he squinted against the darkness  and unfamiliarity surrounding him, disoriented and head swimming. “Fuck am I,” he muttered, then awareness settling in, he swung his legs to the side of the bed, horrible images from the nightmare still flashing in his head. A feeling of dread settled around him and he squeezed his eyes shut, pushing memories  of smoke and fire closing in around him, blood curdling screams of terror back into the recesses of his brain. Just then he noticed a glint of light flickering in the hallway, then sounds of movement as someone shuffled toward the guest room. “Fucking hell, pull it together, man,” he muttered, then followed up with a few more explicatives as he struggled to breathe as his door flung open and a figure stood in the shadows. “Sorry…Did I wake the boy?  Maybe I should just head home…”

@gemaxramos

Gabriel: So we're having a sleepover then? Alright, I'm down. I wouldn't mind watching him tomorrow if you want to get out and about, have some 'you time' or whatever the hell they call it. Anyway, sure you don't want me to just pick up some take out?

Gabriel: Alright then, go ahead and put him down, don't want to mess up his routine. I'll be there first thing in the morning to spend some time. Is everything else good?

Gabriel: No need to keep him up late, but if he's going to bed at the normal time, I'll make it there with time to spare. Tomorrow morning works as well. I can be there around nine if you prefer.

Gabriel: The surgery I'm consulting on is just about to wrap up, I can be there in time to read to him before bed if that works?

By the time Alex had been put down for the night, Gabriel washungry and exhausted and drained, pretty much ready to call it a night forhimself. He was getting ready to say his goodbyes and head home when Gema askedto speak with him. The request had surprised him and he was half tempted todecline, given the way the rest of the day had gone, but decided to hear whatshe had to say all the same. With the way she started off the conversation,Gabriel literally had to will himself to sit still and quiet himself, lettingher say whatever it was she had to say without interruption, though there werea couple of instances it literally pained him to stay calm and not interruptuntil the end of her speech. He sat up in his seat, warily ignoring the sharppain in his side, his pains having worn off a couple of hours earlier. Gabrielwas always thoughtful before he spoke; this time was no different other thanhim being careful to exercise degrees of restraint. He felt much of what hadbeen said was fairly expressed, but there were a couple of points of interestthat had been brought up he could not, not speak on.Feeling like a fish out of water as his gaze skimmed hissurroundings, a place where he once found comfort and yet now seemed regretfullyunfamiliar, he coughed and cleared his throat before he did finally speak,letting his bottom lip peel away from his teeth. 

“Well, that’s a lot to addressat once, but I’ll do my best,” he started; leaning forward a bit in the low-seatedcoach, pain settling in his bones, he tried to get as comfortable as he could. Holding her features in his sea blue gaze, he continued. “ Before I take myturn to say my peace, I also would like to apologize if I said or did somethinginsensitive to you, whatever wrongs I’ve done as well.  You’ve alreadyapologized for some things so what I’m going to say may or may not seemirrelevant to you, but they still need to be said. That being the case, I toldyou I’m not in a good place. I’m not a confrontational person. never have been.I suppress things rather than argue or debate right or wrong, that’s how I am.That may or may not come across as I don’t care or I’m blowing you off when I’msimply protecting myself and my energy, yours as well. Your offer to help andsupport aren’t lost on me, I just don’t know what that looks like right now.Like you said, we’re only  hours into this thing. It’s not that I’m sayingno to your offer, it’s that I’m not in a place to accept yet, but I’m gettingthere…Repeating myself might be frustrating to you but it’s for my benefitand not your own. I need to remind myself sometimes. That I’m getting better, Imean.  But anyway, thank you, thanks all the same. I accept and hopefullyyou can find a way to be patient with me while I figure things out…” he paused,letting out another nervous cough, feeling like he needed to give a betterexplanation since it seemed like not being able to open open just yet was beingtaken a way he hadn’t intended. 

“To better explain, I mean, I have someemotional issues that pre-empt my desire to accept help and support, so I’mworking through some things, that’s all I can tell you right now.”He paused for a beat to get to his feet, pacing for a fewseconds, pulling his thoughts together before he went on. “I say this with careand respect…I don’t appreciate my wordsbeing taken out of context. I never threatened you. I never said you don’t havea say with our son. Yes, I said something will be worked out, but a threat?Sorry, I can’t accept that and I’m kind of disappointed by the picture that’sbeing painted here of me,” he said, closing his hands together bringing hisshoulders up slightly. 

“I just would like to think you know my character wellenough to know I don’t operate that way. As far as my choices for how I chooseto provide for our son, yea, you don’t have a say so. I’ll stand by that alldamn day. Again to be clear, I’m talking about my choices for providing carefor our son, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. Regardless of whatterms we’re on, I have a right to care for him, period and no you don’t have asay in that. Accepting what I offered you as his mother, is another storyaltogether. The offer still stands, take all the time you want to think aboutit, I have no issue with that and I’m definitely not angry about it.” Forwhatever reason, being viewed as an angry, insensitive person bothered him morethan anything else. “The comment wasn’t made in judgment. I was simply trying toprovide an out for you. How can I judge what I don’t know or understand? Again,not my intent.” Walking back to the sofa he took a seat, then looked up to findher gaze again. “That’s probably the most I’ve head you speak about yourfather, obviously I didn’t know offering to help you would trigger feelings foryou. I’m sorry about what he did to you, about the abuse and everything youendured, truly… but I’m not Mitch, Gema. I’m not here to play those gameswith you.” 

It was completely possible that he’d misinterpreted her intent withthe reference with her father, but even the slightest comparison made himuneasy. “I’m not acting any kind of way other than compliant. Iknow what you suggested in terms of visits and what not. Of course I’m anxiousand want to be with my kid as much as I can, this is new for me too, not like Iwas expecting to have dinner with my one year old kid when I woke up thismorning, you know?  I’ll work with what you offered and suggested as bestI can while we’re getting to know one another and become more comfortable witheach other, I’d actually prefer that to be in a setting he’s familiar with andI never said any different, so no, I won’t accept being madeout to be non compliant or angry…this is me communicating with you like youasked. Communicating doesn’t require us to agree with one another all the time,but let’s at least be fair and open minded with one another. Can we do that,please?”

They had already apologized to one another at this point so inthat spirit, he saw no purpose in going back and forth about who’d been morehurtful to who and what order. However, if it meant they were headed towardsome sort of semblance of peace, he didn’t have an issue owning his part in it.“Sorry you felt that way,” he repeated. “That goes both ways, Gema, no onelikes being treated poorly, I think we have that covered with apologies bothways, so my goal today and every day is to be better than I was the day before.I’m human, I fuck up. I do better and move on. Hopefully we can move on fromhere and do better by each other.” They clearly had their problems and issues towork through but he would never deny the fact that she’d been there for theirson, when he couldn’t be around, towing the line on her own. “That’s true, youdeserve all the credit, but I’m here now, give me that same chance is all Iask.“ 

As he began his reply to her speaking from the heart, trying to be as open and communicative with him as possible, Gema offered him the same respect he gave her. She listened, in entirety, before attempting any sort of reply. Swallowing hard, shoulders slumped, the brunette didn’t like the place she was in currently. Life had always been hard but she was so tired of it running her down at any given opportunity and this all just made her wish that someday someone would really care to see her. She wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek with a swipe of her fingers, head angled down and looking away as she thought before speaking. It had been an emotional day and she felt like she had been rundown more than anything else and that was shocking considering she had been nothing but heart but everything said and done had been completely skewed. Gema felt foolish and felt way too vulnerable at the moment, she had never expected to be at odds with Gabriel or for him to feel so intent on misinterpreting her. Even when she tried to clarify it seemed that was taken wrong as well, but she wanted to fix things and for things to be much different between them than they were now.

“I, umm —” The brunette began, taking a breath and rubbing her lips together before she lifted her eyes to meet his. “I understand you’re not in a good place and I’m sorry if you feel I somehow disregarded that. I want to assure that I haven’t. Again, all I want is to help and be there for you if I can. I’m not, I’m not —” She cleared her throat and shifted her eyes off him for a moment. “I’m not exactly great either but nothing about me matters, I have to shove aside everything for Alex, and I wouldn’t dream of putting myself before him but I’m doing the best I can and I hope you can accept that. I’m only human too and I make mistakes and say the wrong things, not meaning them or just not getting the words right. I know that’s frustrating but I hope for patience and understanding as well.” Gema pushed a little smile as she looked at him.

“I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I do need to clarify something — I never compared you to my father. You’re a million times different than him and I would never disrespect you in that way. He’s a horrible piece of shit, and it wasn’t triggering you making an offer to support me. I tried to explain earlier that it just took me off guard because I’m not used to anyone ever trying to help me. There’s a reason why I don’t talk about the way I was raised and that’s because I wasn’t. I won’t get into the nastiness of it now but you don’t owe me an apology for what I went through. Just please — be patient with me. The curve is very sharp for me.” Just those moments of thinking of Mitch and some flashbacks filling her head with having to be on this topic were cause for her to wipe her cheeks again. The racist rants she endured, the times he hit her, the fact that when at eleven she whined about being hungry so he threw a can of soup at her — she was raised in the wild in some aspects. All love and care died with her mom when she was nine years old. She let out a heavy breath before shaking her head and pulling herself together, a trip down memory lane wasn’t what she wanted.

“I also want to say, I didn’t take your words out of context, but I can agree that it seems I mistook your intent. Just like you mistook all of mine. The thing is, if it has to do with Alex then it has to do with me, no matter what you say. You’re his father, yes, and in no way shape or form am I trying to keep him from you in anyway — it bothers me that you keep reacting in ways that insinuate that I am. I’m his sole guardian and have been since I was pregnant with him so how you care for him and provide for him does have to do with me and I do have a say.” She smiled a little again, “I don’t say that against you though. All I ask for is communication and I’ll repeat that I am more than willing to work things out with you in regards to him. It’s just some discussion so that we’re both on the same page — I’m not telling you no. I haven’t once told you no, Gabriel. If anything I’ve been inviting you in and telling you how I want you apart of his life.” She wished he would be apart of hers too but it seemed somehow she had burned that possibility down to the ground, and she was still lost on what she had done so wrong. Maybe with time things would become more clear.

“You’re communicating with me now and I appreciate it, thank you. You weren’t before, which is why I asked. You don’t have to tell me things or let me into your life, I respect that there are things you don’t want to talk about and I understand that you simply may not feel that way about me anymore.” The brunette felt sad speaking the words but he was the only man she’d had feelings for, so of course she had been hopeful on his return. Though now, through his actions and him saying so, Gema understood he simply wasn’t in that place anymore. She did want to at least be friends with him, they had a child together and the last thing she wanted was to be at odds with him. “And you don’t have to ask — I’ve freely given you that chance since the start. Again, know I am sorry if I offended you or hurt your feelings at all. It was very far from my intent, my feelings, and my attitude towards you and coming together for our son.” She wanted to reiterate giving patience and communicating but she didn’t want to get to the point of annoying with it.

Gabriel: Hey. I've got no complaints. How are you?