I’m still trying to get myself out of this funk and get motivated to create. It’s not going very well. I’m making progress with getting regular housework done, but even that isn’t easy and some days are better than others.
I’ve been doing a bit of work here and there on various blog posts I’d like to do. I think I have some solid ideas for things I could write well about, but I just can’t get myself to actually do the work.
I need to get away. I need to recharge. Reconnect with myself. Find my passion and figure out how to make it grow. I need a routine. See, this is my problem. I know what I need to do. I just can’t make myself do it. Any of it.
I think part of my problem, is most of my life, I’ve had people forcing me to do things, whether it was just stuff I didn’t want to do, but they wanted me to do it, or stuff I needed to do and should have been taught to just do, I was screamed at and forced to do everything. I was even forced to do a lot of things I shouldn’t have been doing at my age. Like responsibilities that aren’t meant to be a teenager’s. I think I just got so tired of it, that now I can’t make myself do things because I don’t have someone forcing me. I love how messed up I am and I get it’s my responsibility to accept how I am and change what I can and should, but shit. I didn’t make me this way. It’s super hard to change. Especially, when people don’t really want to help you. They want you to change. They promise they’ll help, but they just get mad that you’re not changing fast enough. Well, 30 some years of dealing with something or just doing something at all is sort of a hard habit to break, no matter how much you know it’s not healthy or hate that you do it, sometimes it’s just fucking impossible to stop.
I’m rambling. That’s ok, though. That’s going to happen from time to time. This is sort of my thinking out loud place. First of all, most people don’t like me actually thinking out loud. For some reason, that’s really annoying to EVERYONE. *shrug Sometimes, it feels like my existence is annoying to everyone, too.* And second, I do a much better job communicating how I actually feel and what I actually think, when it’s written. I think it has something to do with being a visual learner. I learn better, by seeing something done, or reading the instructions myself. It’s weirdly hard for me to retain anything that’s just said to me. I really need to see it in writing if I’m going to commit it to memory.
I don’t even know what my point was with this post, today. I think I mostly just needed to write. I really need to make myself write every day. I’ve not been successful with that yet. But, I will say, I have been writing more. Hell, writing at all is more than I have written in years and I’ve started a blog, written a few entries, started work on a few others, have started working on a few scifi stories, have done, I think, 6 lessons in that writing class online, I’m taking, and although I only wrote one entry, I DID start a personal journal.
Part of my problem is I can’t write unless I’m alone or surrounded by strangers. *It’s weird and I might get into this later, but it’s too much for my intentions, today. * And so, i can’t write when A- is here. I’ve tried going into another room. I don’t know just having him in the house is distracting. Also, I can’t really do much writing by hand, anymore. I’ve been okay, taking notes in my moleskin, when I’m out and about and something comes to me that I have to jot down, but with the arthritis and carpel tunnel, my hands get very numb and sore. I can’t just sit and write by hand like I used to. That is super frustrating. I’ve never really been able to sit and create while staring at a computer screen. So, that’s something else I’m trying to learn today. It’s another thing, I think that’s making all this difficult.
But, I’d say the biggest reason is, I’ve been in this low grade depression for awhile now and I just figured it out. I’m hoping when the warm weather is here to stay, that will help knock me out of this. I know part of it is how brutally bleak and somber the winters look around here. Also, the fact that I moved back to my home town, where most of my triggers are, is a huge contributing factor to my depression. I’m really trying hard to work through all of this. My boyfriend wants to live here. He wants me to be happy here. I can live here with him, but I don’t know that I can be completely happy here. This town and my family do things to me. I hate that about me. I’m pretty sure, my boyfriend, hates that about me, as well. I try, for his sake, for my sake. It’s not easy and I don’t know how successful, I’ve been. He’s not as communicative as he insists I be. I don’t always know what he’s thinking or what he wants from me. Sometimes, it feels like he expects me to be perfect. He won’t ask me to marry him, because he’s got some sort of test, he mentioned early on in our relationship, that I just don’t seem to pass. I’m apparently the relationship to measure all other relationships and he knows what a good thing he has, *all according to him* but, I’ve still got too much baggage to marry, I guess. His baggage is fine, I’m supposed to just live with it, but I have to work on eliminating mine. I’m pretty sure, that’s not exactly what he means, but that’s what it feels like. When we first started dating, he told me his issues. These were things I had to deal with. If not, those were deal breakers. He’d been burned too many times. I agreed and have never once bitched about his picky eating, the fact that all he does is play video games and doesn’t like to go do things, or that he doesn’t want to spend his life working so he has a part time job delivering pizza so he has free time to work on his relationship. I’d love to be able to cook more adventurous foods. I’d love to do more in the evening then us each on our respective computers playing different video games or watching different videos on Youtube. I’d love to go to coffee shops together, or hiking, or picnics or just take trips, be he doesn’t want to do any of that and I don’t nag and rarely ask him to do anything. I’d also love to not have to bear the weight my financial stresses alone. He does pay the bills, and it’s true I quit my full time job with benefits. But, I’ve still got rent taken care of and I pay for all the household expenses on my minimum wage, part time pay from the theater. *That’s tough. I’m under a lot of pressure, to get another job and do some side hustles to make more money so we can start saving again. It’s true I was out of work for 5 months and took my time finding a new job. But, he told me I could, encouraged me to do it and then got mad at me. *I know it’s far more complicated than this. I’m just writing about how this makes me feel* I was paying rent before I quit my job. I’m still covering rent. He had to help with household expenses for a few months, but I’ve got that covered again. But, I don’t want to spend my life working, either. I hated working at G-. I was so miserable. I thought the depression would leave after I quit and it did. But, then it came back, after A- got mad at me because my eBay business wasn’t taking off and I hadn’t found a part time job, yet. It seems like I’m always disappointing him and nothing I do seems to live up to his expectations. It’s clear I’m not what he wanted. It’s really starting to feel like he “settled” for me. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be wanted and adored and found beautiful. I just don’t feel that. I’m not sure, I ever did from him. I’ve told him about being sad that he never tells me I’m pretty or that I look nice unless I ask him. I’m not so shallow that I think looks are important and I want to be valued more for my mind than my looks, but I still want to be found attractive. He seriously never says it. He never says I’m pretty. And he rarely says I look nice unless I ask him how I look. The only time’s he’s ever said anything that seemed genuine was after a fight, where I brought it up. He’s said I’m pretty and he does find me attractive and then after the fight maybe a day or too later, he’ll say it out of the blue, or while we’re having sex and then, that’s it. I’m expected, to make more sexual advances and initiate it more, it’s kinda hard to want to when you don’t think your partner even wants you to. It’s only gotten worse with his issue with my weight and that’s a whole other thing, that I may or may not get into on here. I’m already going to work feeling worse then when I started this thing.
*sigh* Maybe this will prove to be therapeutic. That’s the idea. It just doesn’t feel that way, right now. :/
I’ve rambled enough. I’m off to get ready for work.
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