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I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here’s some of what I learned:

Almost everyone is very polite

The food is generally outstanding

There are no guns

There are too many narrow stairs

Everything is just a little bit different

The pubs close too early

The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards

Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.

You’d better like peas, potatoes and sausage

Refrigerators and washing machines are very small

Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter

People don’t seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government

Their paper money makes sense, the coins don’t

Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare

Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?

Pants are called “trousers”, underwear are “pants” and sweaters are “jumpers”

The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling

“Fanny” is a naughty word, as is “shag”

All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.

There’s no dress code

Doors close by themselves, but they don’t always open

They eat with their forks upside down

The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars

They don’t seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just neater then [sic] we are

The wall outlets all have switches, some don’t do anything

There are hardly any cops or police cars

5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why

When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling

Black people are just people: they didn’t quite do slavery here

Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them

Cookies are “biscuits” and potato chips are “crisps”

HP sauce is better then catsup

Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.

After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food

The water controls in showers need detailed instructions

They can boil anything

Folks don’t always lock their bikes

It’s not unusual to see people dressed different and speaking different languages

Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter

Nearly everyone is better educated then we are

If someone buys you a drink you must do the same

There are no guns

Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You’re welcome.

Avoid British wine and French beer

It’s not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don’t, everyone knows you’re an American

Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks

There’s no AC

Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper

Gas is “petrol”, it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the liter

If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always

You don’t have to tip, really!

Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are different countries

Only 14% of Americans have a passport, everyone in the UK does

You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in

Walking is the national pastime

Their TV looks and sounds much better then ours

They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven’t put them all back up yet

Everyone enjoys a good joke

There are no guns

Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere

There are no window screens

You can get on a bus and end up in Paris

Everyone knows more about our history then we do

Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good

The newspapers can be awful

Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you’re paying

Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer

Butter and eggs aren’t refrigerated

The beer isn’t warm, each style is served at the proper temperature

Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.

Excess cider consumption can be very painful.

The universal greeting is “Cheers” (pronounced “cheeahz” unless you are from Cornwall, then it’s “chairz”)

The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.

Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money

Cars don’t have bumper stickers

Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America

By law, there are no crappy, old cars

When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn’t lose the “1”

Cake is is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for desert is pudding, even pudding

BBC 4 is NPR

Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)

Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own

You’re defined by your accent

No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is

Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport

Europeans dress better then the British, we dress worse

The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable

Drinks don’t come with ice

There are far fewer fat English people

There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching tv

If you’re over 60, you get free tv and bus and rail passes.

They don’t use Bose anything anywhere

Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste

Every pub has a pet drunk

Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it

Cake is one of the major food groups

Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful

There are still no guns

Towel warmers!

Cheers