Gabe Capone

Rolos 4vr!

I remember pressing my thumb into the bottom of Russell Stover chocolates searching for caramel centers. I’m a bit ashamed about it since this is how I spent my 30th birthday. The point is that chocolate covered caramels are the only ones I’m interested in. I have no time for flavorless nougat or God forbid the syrupy cherry filled sweets. This is why I was pleasantly surprised when I…

Northeast Regional #193 | New York to Philadelphia | 10.22.18 | 5:27 pm

I was standing at the urinal in an office building early one morning when the bathroom door swung open hitting the countertop of sinks. I turned my head toward the ruckus and there in the doorway stood a very tall man. A giant really or at least to me at 5’6 he looked like a giant. He was easily 7ft tall, maybe more. He…

A man suspiciously avoided the urinals and I think I know why.

I’ve been writing on my commute from New York to Philadelphia. The following is from: Northeast Regional #193|New York to Philadelphia|10.22.18|5:27 pm

I was standing at the urinal at my workplace early one morning when the bathroom door swung open hitting the countertop of sinks. I turned my head toward the ruckus and there in the doorway stood a very tall man. A giant really or at least to me…

Why is the IRS making me do their job? #taxseason

I don’t understand the point of doing taxes. The government seems perfectly capable of taking money from me all year long without my help. Why do I have to do their job every April? I’m sure the IRS loves this time of year. They’re probably sipping mai tais on some beach laughing at all of us. “Good luck figuring out your itemizations suckers!” IRS, I hope you get sunburn so bad you can’t wear a…

My latest on #theshapeimin is about the time I learned from a stranger what celebrity I look like. #celebritylookalike #humor #truestory #theshapeimin

photo credit: brightside.me Years ago I was surprised to learn what celebrity I look like. My dad was visiting me in NYC and he took me to lunch at the Blue Water Grill. I was a young man in my early twenties with longer hair, overweight, and broke. Thinking back on it now, I don’t know how I got fat. I barely had money for one meal a day. Anyway, a free lunch at a nice place in NYC was a treat.…

The next best thing to being rich and famous is looking like someone rich and famous. In some ways it’s better because you don’t have to deal with the paparazzi and tabloid scandals. I’ve been told I look like different celebrities. Robert Downey junior, a singer from bare necked ladies, a bachelor from one of the seasons of the bachelor. Years ago I was told I look like a celebrity that I’ll…

I am a doctor of dreams

When someone begins a conversation with “I had the craziest dream last night” I typically look for the nearest exit. A friend from work, let’s call him Matt because that’s his name, told me he had a dream about me. I ignored my instincts and asked to hear more. It wasn’t because I cared about his nonsense dream but because I wanted to tell him what the dream meant. The only punishment for someone…

My latest on #theshapeimin is about my failed attempt at networking.

When trying to break into an industry, it’s best to know somebody in the business or use a crowbar. I jimmied open the back door of the comedy world enough to peek inside, but that’s as far as I’ve got. Not long ago, I attended a panel of comedy writers from various reputable funny shows, such as SNL, The Daily Show, and The Trump Presidency. Afterward, at the mixer where appetizers and cocktails…

The new way of working is not working for me. It has never been a goal of mine to have a job where I work before the sun rises and hours after it sets.  Despite this, I often toil away on work desperately hoping to achieve a head nod from the recipient, at best I’ll be awarded the sacred yet empty compliment of “good job.” Back in the day, if you’ll excuse me for dating myself with such a tired…

Dominos offers pizza insurance. They replace your carryout pizza if anything happens to it after you leave, and before you eat it. Is there such a high prevalence of pizza accidents that insurance is required? What about if anything happens to me after I eat a Dominos Pizza? I will get diarrhea from Dominos. That’s a fact, and that’s where I need insurance. I get the diarrhea then I bring the…