Ad astra per aspera

Growing up I assumed that if I messed up I would be punished, so I would punish myself.

As a teen I assumed that my needs were secondary, so I prioritized others over myself. Even when I needed something.

I convinced myself that no matter what problem I had, I was the source and I deserved it somehow.

Eventually someone tried to tell me that I was too hard on myself. I misunderstood. I started acting differently.

I stopped putting as much effort into things. I acted like the failures didn’t hurt. I acted like I was fine.

I wasn’t.

Every time I messed up, it hurt that much more. Because I said it didn’t.

Every time I wasn’t included I said I didn’t mind, have fun. It destroyed me.

Acting like I was fine and selfish hurt me a million times more than I let anyone know.

But by now I had a new lie.

“No one needs to know”

“Everything will be happier if I seem happy”

“Everyone will be happier if I’m just not there”

Eventually this became an idea.

“What if I just left”

This became

“I should just leave”

Now I would say I’m healthier.

I know that the various thoughts I’ve had were wrong.

But the thoughts are like parasites.

They never go away.

I know they aren’t true.

Overtime they stop showing anyone their vulnerability. And it gets sadder when people around them also don’t notice it. Because then that person feels like their emotions are only a weakness. And so they become emotionally distant.

I can’t stop thinking that people think I “try too hard” or that I’m annoying or needy.

I can’t ignore the fact that I’m no ones first choice do that people have better friends than me.

I guess it’s because it’s true.

I’m hopeless. I’ve been like this for 10 years

I do try too hard. I try SO hard to be “normal” and happy and act like nothing is wrong.

I am no ones first choice. It’s obvious

wanting to cry for no apparent reason.

Its feeling helpless and weak and broken and feeling like there’s no way out of the maze that is your own mind.

Its looking at the world around you and seeing all of the horrors and thinking, “I have no reason to feel this way.”

Its panicking out of nowhere and having absolutely no explanation why.

Its feeling alone even when you KNOW that you’re surrounded by people that love you.

Its being afraid to express your feelings because you’re afraid that people are going to judge you for them.

Its looking back at all of the years you’ve spent struggling to understand your own disorder and grieving for the time you’ll never get back.

Its lying in bed for days on end because you simply don’t have the energy to move.

Its looking at yourself in the mirror and hating what you see, even though you know its irrational.

Honestly, its a lot of irrationality. 

Its waking up screaming because the nightmares wont leave you alone.

Its subconsciously pushing away the people who you want closest to you.

Gryffindor click here

Ravenclaw x