I walked into an armed robbery today. It was 6am I walked into a store for work. When I stepped in I saw shelves on the ground and vomit for some reason then I saw the guy. He had underwear and a t shirt on and holding the gun with a piece of cloth. When I walked in he yelled "great more free money". One girl was on the phone with the police and two guys who were customers were standing by him. He took some things off the shelves, not even money and then left. I was just standing there shaking when the one employee casually asked me what I needed to pick up. So I told her and got it. I saw the guy was across the street by now so I figured I should leave. When I stepped out of the building he yelled across the street at me "you stupid fucking bitch. How does it feel". He kept yelling but idk what he was say cause I got in my car and drove away. That was really weird

I think I would have a much easier time if my insides didn't hurt from how sad I am. It hurts so much from remembering what happened and what it means about me. Sometimes I have to lay down because when I breathe in it's so hard to do. My muscles shake like I'm lifting weights but I'm just taking a breath. It makes me throw up and it makes my hand tremble and my heart beat so fast I cant feel it. It's hard. Maybe if a doctor could fix that I could be productive. Because it's not the thoughts that stop me it's how much it hurts. My body feels weak like I'm dying from being worthless. All I can think to do is go outside walk in the sun. That's all I do. Walk in the sun. Maybe I'll get thin. Maybe I can change myself. Maybe I'll stop being worthless if I do. I don't think so but there's nothing else to try.

If I am talking to a man in most contexts, her going to bring up sex very quickly. And I very quickly tell him in not interested in touching anyone or talking about it. Every time he will inevitable bring up his sex life or maturation. Like why the fuck do they think I want to know. It has nothing to do with the reason we met and I said I don't want to talk about it. Are they stupid or do they get off on making women uncomfortable? Like does it do something to them to look at a woman who is disgusted while they tell her they've had good orgasms lately? I really feel like it's maybe a power move on their part, because it's sometimes very hard to get out of situations like this. I just hate that my words never have any power. I've rarely been heard and respected in my life when I've told men to stop touching me or that they're making me uncomfortable. I've literally yelled and cried and begged and they keep going on.

I've lost 3 inches off my chest, 2 off my waist and 3 off my hips since March. I stopped weighing myself when I got extremely depressed like a month ago. Idk what happened there but it's been constantly flashbacks and feeling su*cidal. It's been a bit better this past week. Idk what I've been eating either. Sometimes I have fruit or Hummus and Pita bread, and I was eating pickles and cheese for a while. I've been in a trance. Idk. I've been walking a ton at the beach in the heat. 5km yesterday.

I haven't worked or done school work in like two weeks now.. I'm mortified for anyone to see me. I feel comfortable only at the beach but at work I feel like a disgusting huge lump. Literally sickening and I'm so ashamed that anyone would have to look at me. I feel guilty going places because I will make a nice store seem disgusting and that's just sad for the people who own the place. I don't want to be pitied either. I wish I didn't exist.

I was at the beach yesterday. I stayed for 10 hours. It's a half hour walk to get there and I walked for 3 more hours to the end of the beach. Collecting sea glass. Lots of squatting. When I got back a guy was getting there and we ended up talking. Its a nude beach keep in mind. We sat together for 6 hours and smoked weed and talked. He knows sooooo much about cars, God I love talking to people about cars. Must have talked about that for 2 hours. I told him I don't want to be kissed and I'm not there to have sex. Just relaxing and getting a good tan. And he didn't touch me :) well we did talk about sex. In a comfortable way. It does tend to come up a lot when you're naked. He said he loves that I look like a woman and he would love to touch me if I change my mind. I told him I would but I just don't do that outside of relationships. He was so tall and handsome 🥺 after the beach we went and got ice cream together. It was so nice. He's only in this area for a few days so I won't see him again. But it was nice and I was happy to be with a man without being touched :)

I've been going to a nude beach lately. Weird for someone with sexual trauma? Or healing? There's one girl there about 20 yrs old who just wears her little sun hat and walks up and down the beach looking for sea glass. There's a guy who's been going there for 18 yrs. He's retired and goes every day all day. He built a little house out of trees that washed up on the beach and a sitting area for everyone and he even brought safety equipment there in case of drowning. There's so many people of all ages and genders and sizes. And it's usually the same 50 ppl or so. It's pretty hard to find and it's about a half hour walk from the closest parking area so you have to carry everything that far. It feels so safe though. Everyone is naked but so respectful. I don't feel ashamed of myself there. And I fucking love the feeling of having water and sun on my whole body without a wet Sandy bathing suit to constantly adjust. And I finally have an even tan. Anyway im bringing a tent and going at 7am. That's the only place my heart doesn't hurt.

No matter where I go it's going to hurt.. Idk what to do. Talking doesn't even really help.. I don't know what to say. And it feels pointless. Everywhere I go I have to remember what happened and what it means. It follows me idk what to do how do I make this stop hurting???

In reality I am showered and clean, I have deodorant and perfume on. I always wear a pretty dress. I always wear matching gloves so I will look more elegant. Matching shoes. My hair is done. I have earrings and gold necklaces. But no matter how much I do I still feel like a dirty disgusting monster. Like shit is literally dripping from my pores. Like a creature that crawled out from the lake covered in mud and seaweed dead fish. I think everyone sees me like that. I think any building I go into is made disgusting by me being there. I don't know how anyone looks at me with a straight face or smile. I hate myself so fucking much I wish I could cut my skin off and get rid of my whole disgusting body and just be a spirit. But even my spirit is disgusting.

I keep realizing things. Like about my last boyfriend. Because at first and for a long time I thought I was bad and he was just hurting me because I was so bad he needed to do that. But recently I remembered that I was only ever sad cause he didn't listen or pay attention to me. Then sometimes I would cry or get upset and then he would hurt me. But I looked at it from his perspective. I imagine I'm playing a video game and my girlfriend who loves me really wants me to spend time with me. And I tell her to leave me alone and I don't want to hear her voice. Then she cries and then you decide to take her to the basement and yell at her for two hours?? While she cries??? And you don't stop?? You had two hours to yell and kick her and spit on her but not two hours to eat dinner with her or go somewhere together? How do you keep yelling at someone who is crying and begging you to stop?? And sometimes I cried so much I would throw up or cut myself with broken glass from the picture frames he smashed. That was all over the floor. And sometimes I would faint or just go into a trance and can't move or speak. How do you see someone be like that and keep hurting them 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

I'm so sad for my teenage self. No one helped her. No one told her she was valuable. If you have a 15 yr old who was a very very good student, always didn't everything as told and was very shy and innocent. Then suddenly she is disappearing at night, sleeping all day, not going to school and having angry outbursts.. Would you not think maybe something happened to cause that? But no I was just in the way more. This just made me more of a burden. So I had to leave. My life could have been so different if one adult sat down and talked to me and heard me. Then they could have told me that what happened was rape and it wasn't my fault. I never figured that out until over 10 yrs later.

Even when I'm not remembering what he did to me, I can feel it burning up my insides like fire :( all the way from my throat to my hips it hurts from the inside

My new friend has a crush on the same guy as me 😭 they work together. I also go there for work but I don't work there. That's how I met her. But I knew him before. My heart dropped when she told me.. And she is so beautiful. She's younger than me, she's shorter and thinner and she's gorgeous. She's also so so sweet. I don't feel jealous. It actually makes so much sense for them to be together. I think it could be good for me to think about him as her man. Cause he's never going to want me so if I see him as her man maybe my feelings will go away lol. I even offered to try to set them up 😭 i really needed to hear this to bring me back to reality tbh. I am the fat ugly friend. It's never going to be me.