~Conversely, love IS a Victory March~

I don't know who you are, you just jumped into the passenger seat of my car and started screaming drive, and I'm so stoned I think you're the Easter Bunny. From this post.

You slapped my ass thinking I was your friend or significant other, and I broke your nose.

I woke up at your place wearing your pajamas. Turns out I was so drunk last night I gave my Uber your address. You didn't touch me, I just started putting them on. Oh God I'm so embarrassed kill me.

(Select language) isn't my first language, so when you were asking me to fight you, I thought you were asking me on a date and bought you flowers.

You walked in on me and your significant other having sex. I swear they told me they were single I'm so sorry.

I was drunk texting my ex, but used your number instead. Whoops. At least you're not my ex?

Our kids got in a fight, so I'm meeting you in front of the principal, a teacher, and our kids have black eyes and bloody noses.

You went to Vegas to celebrate your birthday. I went to Vegas to celebrate my divorce. Guess who's married now? I don't even know your name.

Wait a minute, you're that asshole who ordered 27 pizzas and didn't tip! Who even orders that much pizza??

We're on a double date, but I'm pretty sure our dates like each other more than us. At least you can make conversation.

Oh no, you're the IT person? You're really cute and now you're going to see how terrible I am with computers.

You're that jerk who stood me up! Oh, you were in the E.R.? Now I feel bad.

Some people say that cats don't make expressions but you can see the thoughts in this boy's head plain as day

fitted sheet: nothing :)))))))

me, prying open its twisted jaws: na-ah!!! give it to me RIGHT now!!