creature of habit

I lied. I don’t actually like sex. Put your clothes back on, I’m going to explain the entire plot of the raven cycle to you

this is maybe my new favorite thing ever

Gilgamesh/Enkidu forever

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

we as a community often forget how cunty and amazing this line was. outdid Neil even

you cannot convince me illegal immigration is a real problem and I'm sick of pretending it is. yk when you were a kid and you got mad at your sibling for crossing an imaginary line that you drew in the car? that's what you're doing right now except you're actually killing people over it

I get how we need records of who's in the country for like census or tax purposes, yk boring logistical stuff. but you know what we could do with people who don't have the paperwork? send them to the courthouse to fill out their paperwork. boom problem solved and you didn't have to spend 80 thousand dollars detaining and deporting them

the only thing that needs to be done with undocumented folks is...document them...problem solved

people often think i'm doing it for the bit but unfortunately i Am the type of guy who just says shit like "pray tell" and "indeed" and "naught but the human heart can hope to capture the moon's beauty" (that was actually about my shitty phone camera) and nobody really knows what to do when they hear those words come out of my mouth. myself included.