#409am

We talked about this recently, but I’d like to revisit this topic because I never got to fully develop my thoughts on this. 

I don’t know the exact reasoning behind why I’ve remembered that you love driving with the windows down when it rains, but I have and it’s something I always think about when it rains or when I get caught in the rain. 

I smile whenever I get caught in the rain because it reminds me of you. It reminds me of your smile. It reminds me of how at peace you are in the rain. 

It’s something that has stuck and something that matters because it’s something that you love. And I love the rain as well. Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I hope it’ll rain so I can go outside, get rained on and think of you. 

haha, why do i need the rain to think of you? I don’t really. You’re almost always on my mind. At least now. There was one year in which I didn’t think of you as frequently; 2014. I stopped trying to check up on you, I stopped trying. 

And now we’re here in 2015 and I’m back to being the sappy piece of shit I was four years ago. 

Well, not completely. A lot has changed since then. My heart has changed and so has my mind. The excitement I used to feel four years ago has now been infiltrated with anxiety. I still love you as much, if not more, than the amount I loved you back then. My head isn’t as confused, my heart isn’t as confused. It’s just, it’s hard to ignore the fear of rejection. Especially coming from you. -sigh-

I’m hesitant because I don’t want to go through the same heartache I felt back then. And most people would probably be like, “Uh, then you shouldn’t get yourself back into a position to be put there.”

Hell, if I was on the outside of this situation giving someone advice, I’d probably tell them that. 

But here I am, again. Vulnerable. Ready to be let down again. But I meant everything I said four years ago. I meant everything I have ever said. 

And even though it’s hard for me to say it directly to you, I would gladly risk everything I know and love for a fleeting moment of being with you. Because no matter how long or short an “us” would be, it’d be worth it. You are worth it. 

I’ve had a thought floating around in my head for a few years that I’ve been waiting for an opportune moment to tell you about, but there’s never an opportune moment, gotta make moments opportune. 

But I’m almost certain I’ve always loved you in the “more than a friend/best friend” capacity. And I don’t know why I’ve never shared these thoughts with you before, but when I think about it... it makes sense. 

I used to cherish every moment we spent together. I would get really jealous of your boyfriend (whoever he was at the time). Like, when you’d detach from “us” time to go chill with him, I’d be upset. But I always brushed it off as “I’m just jealous because the attention isn’t on me”

But why? Why would I crave your attention and get so upset and jealous? (not saying that in a negative way) But I’ve thought about this for quiet some time and like, with every (female) best friend I have ever had, I would get jealous when they weren’t hanging out with me or not giving me attention. And it’s because I have loved all my best friends. 

In some instances, I was more honest about my feelings toward my best friends than others, but either they didn’t feel the same way about me or I was too chicken shit to admit I loved them more than a best friend. 

And with you, I hesitate because I really don’t want to lose you. I have a hard time trusting people and loving people and being vulnerable, truly fucking vulnerable. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to fuck up. And I don’t want to get hurt. Of all the fears I have, getting hurt and the thought of getting hurt mortifies me. And rejection. God, I hate rejection. but with most people I brush it off and say “fuck you too”

But I don’t ever want to say that to you. And If I have said that to you black out drunk, I’m sorry. If I have ever said anything hurtful to you while I was black out drunk, I’m sorry. 

If I’ve ever said anything hurtful to you while sober, I am sorry. 

I’ve been sober for 12 days. and idk why I felt like sharing that. I’ve had urges to drink, but I haven’t given in. Being sober has helped me sort through my emotions. God, I miss you. It’s raining right now and feeling the raindrops on my skin makes me miss you.