we're half awake in a fake empire

Ivy laughed softly at Gabe’s logic, and, grinning, told him, “Yeah, you can have a little of the credit.” She held up her thumb and forefinger in an exaggerated gesture. “Un poquito,” she joked, though silently, she was giving him so very much more credit than that. Not only did he still come bearing treats, after all this time, he always managed to get her favorites, or something he knew she’d like. More importantly, he kept showing up, and that was all she could ask of him. Ivy gave a soft sigh of contentment as Gabe leaned back into her touch, and she returned his fleeting hug automatically, her eyes drifting closed for those few moments. A part of her wanted to hold onto that contact as long as she could, because that was one of the things she missed most with how little they were seeing each other — his simple, affectionate, touch — but she didn’t linger long, wanting to see Gabe’s face. “Is it too early? Valentine’s Day is like, two weeks away.” Talk about time flying … it felt like only yesterday that it had been her birthday, and Christmas. “I wasn’t, actually, but that’s a relief just the same.” Tentatively, now that the subject had been raised, she asked, “Are we gonna be able to do something that night?” Go out to dinner, or dancing, or even stay in — so long as they were together, she wasn’t picky. Still, she wanted to take advantage of his visit, so she returned the issue she’d been rolling around in the back of her mind, “But, yeah, so, okay. I guess it’s not really a question, so much as, um, what do you think about me looking for a new job?”

-

Despite his teasing, Gabe was just happy to provide a bit of a break in Ivy’s day, even if that meant bringing her a little snack. He knew they both had other priorities in their lives that were taking precedent but given their issues over the last few months, Gabe knew he needed to start thinking about what actually mattered to him. So while he loved his job, he also loved Ivy, and there wasn’t much of a choice when it came to the two. “Yeah, two weeks is plenty of time. You can start dating and break-up with someone in two weeks,” Gabe teased as he tried to hold back his laughter but it spilled out despite himself. “I don’t know, have you made us some dinner reservation? Maybe picked out my favorite flowers...” Gabe couldn’t help the grin that rose to his features before adding, “I would really like for us to do something. I’ve already made some plans for us if you have the night off, but it’s a surprise.” It would be nice to spend Valentine’s day together, though Gabe knew it wasn’t necessary if Ivy was busy with other plans. Ivy’s actual question left Gabe stunned just a bit, mostly because he was caught off guard. As far as he knew, Ivy liked her job and didn’t show any disinterest, but perhaps he wasn’t seeing the whole picture, “I think if that’s what you wanna do then it’d gonna be really fun. But why do you wanna leave this place?”

It had been a pleasant surprise to get the familiar text from Gabe — that he was waiting outside. It had been a while since she’d gotten one, but eagerness made her quick to save her work and make her way outside. Ivy knew that this was him, making an effort, and since he was as busy as ever, it wasn’t a small thing to take time from the middle of his day. The least she could do was make the most of however long he could get away, particularly since she’d been feeling more and more like she was treading water at the station. “You’re so lucky I don’t text her these antics of yours, trying to take credit for the pan dulce she baked to perfection …” Ivy teased, standing on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to Gabe’s cheek before she accepted the bakery bag. “Gracias, guapo.” And though she cared much more about seeing him than the treats, she appreciated the pan dulce, too, and quickly slipped her hand in the bag to pull out one of her favorites. “So, um, I have a question for you, actually, but you can think about it, you don’t have to say anything right now.”

-

“Hey, I’m not trying to take all the credit. But I mean, I am hand delivering them to you so maybe I deserve a little of the credit, right?” Gabe argued with a smug look across his face. So maybe Catalina was the one who did all the work but Gabe would argue that knowing which baked goods and ordering them meant he was doing some of the heavy lifting. Welcoming the kiss Ivy pressed against his cheek, Gabe leaned into her touch and let his hand slip around her waist to pull her into a quick hug. These days they still didn’t see as much of each other as they did when they first started dating but Gabe chose to be optimistic. After all, they were both putting in the effort and as long as Ivy was trying then he wasn’t going to give up. Ivy’s next words had him perking up just a little since that question could be about anything. Despite the hint of fear he felt, Gabe easily masked it with a smile, “If you’re going to ask me to be your Valentine then I’m gonna go ahead and say you’re way too early and always.”

Every relationship that their issues and despite how golden Gabe and Ivy seemed, they too seemed to struggle sometimes. Despite that, it was clear that neither one of them were ready to throw the towel in just yet, or at all. Gabe knew a good thing when it came into his life and Ivy was most assuredly a good thing. Arguably the best thing that had happened to him. So with that in mind, Gabe tried to prepare himself for the next hurdle of their relationship. He was outside of Ivy’s studio and had sent her a text saying as much. Surprise visits had been a rarity lately given how busy Gabe was at work these days, but he was putting in the effort because he knew Ivy was worth it. When she finally did come out, Gabe’s smile didn’t falter one bit. “Surprise...” Gabe said, revealing the paperbag with pan dulce from the bakery, “Catalina made these for you, but since I’m the one delivering I think I should get all the credit,” he added, grin slightly widening. 

“I do too!” Ivy didn’t like the way he’d brushed off her questions so entirely, but she didn’t like the edge that had crept into her voice. She didn’t like that they were spending what little time they had together like this, either. “I just—I didn’t mean to make this a whole thing right now,” she mumbled, trying to defuse things. The truth was, she was tired too; and unsurprisingly, it had made it harder to actually talk to Gabe and listen to him in turn. Guarded, and overthinking every other word wasn’t what she considered normal with him, and she didn’t want it to become normal, either. Still, she couldn’t help but feel a chill down her spine as he denied his ability to see the future. She hadn’t been asking for a definite, not really, but she needed reassurance that things wouldn’t be like this forever. That somehow, they’d figure this out, even if neither of them knew how just then. She was in real danger of picking a hole in her sweater, but it wasn’t long before Gabe reached over, drawing her hand to his lips. It was a small gesture, but it meant everything to her, just as much as the apology that followed. “I’m sorry, too,” she told him, reaching carefully to brush her fingers where he’d been rubbing his forehead. “Just promise me we will actually talk about it?”

-

Gabe let out another frustrated sigh. He knew she didn’t want this fight just as much as he didn’t, however, it felt like after weeks of very little talking it was bound to happen. As chipper and upbeat as Gabe usually was, his demeanor lately had been caused by working too much and not getting enough sleep. He didn’t want Ivy to think that it had anything to do with her because it didn’t. Perhaps if they hadn’t been living together he’d be better about hiding it, but at this point in their relationship, Gabe was all in, and that meant not hiding or sugarcoating the bad parts of himself — like his overworking nature. “I promise you, we will talk about it. We’re gonna talk about it so much you’re gonna get sick of my voice,” Gabe said, mustering up a small smile. And just in case Ivy thought he was brushing it off or not taking it seriously, Gabe quickly repeated his sentiment, “...I promise, okay?”

Catalina: Every couple has a bump they have to climb up sometimes and I know that you love her, Gabe. You'll do anything to keep her by your side and work can be a factor that does get in the middle of some relationships you just need to figure out how you two are going to get through it.

Catalina: I'll have it ready and fresh for pick up when you say the word.

Gabe: Yeah I know you're right. You're always right. I just don't know what will happen in our future but I know we have a future together and I just need that to be enough for her.

Ivy bit her lip, trying to draw the pain Gabe’s inquiry had prompted into that physical point. She didn’t know if he’d meant it how it sounded to her just then, ( exhausted and half-wishing she’d been able to sleep through his return, ) that he couldn’t believe she actually wanted his career to succeed. There was a bloom of tenderness and the coppery tang of blood, and Ivy released her lower lip. She wasn’t helping anything that way. Maybe it wasn’t even a question she could answer, or that he wanted her to. And when he asked if it wasn’t enough, she shook her head and turned the question on him, suddenly desperate to know. “Is it enough for you? Is this what you want?” She’d thought, all those months ago when she’d had that scare and they’d started talking about their future, that it wouldn’t look anything like this. Because you didn’t have kids when you were so busy you barely even had time for your partner, let alone a baby. Not that Ivy was ready, because she wasn’t, but she was certainly much closer than she’d been that winter. It was just that Gabe seemed further away than ever. She bit her lip again, and hastily released it, her hands absently twisting in her sweater instead. “How long is right now?” she asked quietly.

-

When Ivy had thrown his own question back at him, Gabe let out an exhausted sigh as he shook his head. This was the last thing he wanted to be discussing after a particularly long day and it was clear that he really just wasn’t up for it. “I just want to get some rest,” He settled on. He knew this was something they needed to dive deeper into but he didn’t quite feel like he would be responding with the right state of mind at the moment. Because as much as it seemed as if he was annoyed, Gabe was actually asking himself these same questions internally. Work had always been his first priority and while a life of solitude in order to be better at his job was something he wanted, he couldn’t quite say that that still rang true. He had always wanted to find a partner to settle down with and marry and have children, and for a while there he had given up on that idea... and then he met Ivy. It was safe to say that things had changed and he was beginning to find himself at a crossroads he had been trying to avoid. “I don’t know, Ivy, I can’t see the future,” He said with another sigh as he rubbed his temple, already regretting his snappy behavior. Gathering himself for a moment, Gabe inched closer towards Ivy and reached over to take her hand in his before bringing her knuckles to his lips and pressing a firm kiss against them. “I’m sorry, mi amor, I’m just tired and I have to go to the court house tomorrow for work, so can we please just talk about it later?”

Ivy shivered as Gabe shifted, partially from cold, but partially because she couldn’t see his sitting up, even horribly slouched, as a good sign. She knew instinctively that his preoccupation with work, and the increasing incompatibility of their schedules, wouldn’t have a quick easy fix, but she’d been in denial about what that really meant — that they wouldn’t be able to start talking about it, roll over, and pretend like there wasn’t an issue. And Ivy didn’t want to pretend, because the relationship she shared with Gabe was built on honesty, and trust, and she wouldn’t change that for the world. But she was tired, and somehow lonely even with Gabe right there beside her, and afraid of somehow making it all worse; making it bigger than it really was. She shivered again, and reached behind her for the sweater tucked into her nightstand. She sat up, enough that she could pull the baggy sweater on, over her pajamas. “I’m glad you’ve got fresh leads,” she said softly. “I don’t want—it’s good, that work is good for you right now; that it’s—it’s stimulating.” She might’ve stumbled over the words more than usual, but she meant it; it was important to her that Gabe found fulfillment at work and that his job was rewarding. “And I know my early mornings make things hard,” she added, not wanting him to take all the blame. Yes, he’d been working more since they’d come back from their vacation, but she’d been too tired to stay up, more often than not. She sometimes had trouble breaking away from work, even for a short while, which didn’t help things. “But I don’t want your work going well to mean I never see you, either.”

-

Relationships required a lot of work, that had been something Gabe had forgotten the last year or so with Ivy. From the beginning it had felt effortless and easy, but that’s when he had hit a slump at work and his sister had moved in to keep him in line. Now, things were different. Not bad, but just a little more difficult to find their old cadence. Gabe ran his fingers through his messy hair and watched as Ivy sat up and grabbed a sweater. He wasn’t quite sure where to start or if he even wanted to get into it tonight given how late it was, but one thing was certain — they couldn’t ignore the obvious thorn in their relationship lately. “Are you?” He asked quietly with the raise of his brow. It was a rhetorical question, of course. Ivy had never seem him 100% dedicated to a case before, those moments had come before they had even met, but it was circling back around for Gabe and he wasn’t quite sure how Ivy would handle it. “You’re seeing me right now? Isn’t that enough?” He knew it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. While Gabe could feel things getting a little complicated due to how much time they weren’t spending together anymore, he also didn’t know if he was willing to put work on the back burner again. “I know it’s not ideal, but it’s all I can offer right now,” He added with a defeated shrug.

Catalina: Yeah, she'll understand that your job kind of makes you a little busier than normal but just make sure you let her know how important she is to you as well which I'm sure you have, yeah?

Gabe: Will she though? I don't know, it's been kind of difficult lately to spend time with her when work's been crazier than usual. Yeah I'm sure I have.

Catalina: Have you talked to her?

Catalina: Wait what?

Catalina: rewind.

Catalina: start from the beginning

Ordinarily, Ivy might’ve laughed at Gabe’s little quip, but as it was, she just felt the tiniest bit of relief that he hadn’t, apparently, taken her request the wrong way. Unfortunately, his easy acquiesce to that same request didn’t have the same effect. Because she knew it wasn’t as easy as him saying the words, no matter how much he meant them right now. It wasn’t anything she wanted to pick a fight over, though, especially now now, so she simply replied, “I hope you are.” She wiggled a little closer to him, wanting to hold him, and be held by him, in equal measure. “I don’t like this whole going to bed without you thing.” Because she could withstand missing him; she didn’t need to be around him every second of every day. But missing him this much? Seeing him only in random snatches of time as he got in, or when she woke up? That, she wasn’t a fan of at all. As he asked what was wrong, she struggled with what to say that wouldn’t be unjustly dramatic, or that she hadn’t said already. But maybe that last part didn’t matter so much, especially not when she could hear the exhaustion in Gabe’s voice. He never expected her to be perfectly articulate or have all the right words, and he certainly wouldn’t expect as much now. “I just— I don’t like this routine we’ve got going right now.”  She nodded slowly at his next suggestion, “Okay. I mean, yeah, we can find another day. But I don’t want you thinking—I do want the time with you.”

-

Truth be told, Gabe didn’t like going to bed without her just about as much as she didn’t. Before he met Ivy it didn’t bother him very much, but when she entered his life, all that had changed. In a good way. Whether she realized it or not, she had changed a lot for him — he was closer to his family because of her, had a work-life balance again, and generally he was just happier. The last few weeks there had been somewhat of a shift though. Returning back to work after a small vacation in California with her, Gabe’s passion for his work seemed to have started up again and he threw himself into it full force. He hadn’t realized how many late nights there actually were or how many canceled lunches or missed calls had piled up over the last month or so but as Ivy spoke, those little details came rushing to the forefront of his mind and it made him feel like he was coming up short to this relationship. “I know, I don’t like it either...” Gabe said, slowly rising from his comfortable spot lying down and into a slouchy sitting position. Rubbing his temple in thought, Gabe let out a soft sigh of defeat before speaking, “I want the time with you too but things at work have changed a bit — my cases have fresh leads so it’s been sort of bleeding into my personal time...” He trailed off, not wanting Ivy to think that was an excuse because it wasn’t. Ivy had met him at a time in his life where his career was somewhat hitting a slump, but now it was back on full throttle and she was experiencing the version of him that his family had experienced for years — a ghost. 

Gabe: SOS

It was as good a sign as any ( the tender press of Gabe’s lips to her knuckles, curved around his ) that he really was okay, and Ivy let herself relax the smallest fraction. “How about you be just earlier next time?” She had meant it to be a joke, a tease, but she was too tired to inject the necessary lightness in her tone, and part of her cringed at the neediness that had come out instead. She knew Gabe was working, that he wanted to be home with her, but she hated not getting to spend as much time with him as she wanted. She felt especially strongly tonight, when it felt like weeks since she’d properly seen him, even if, in reality, it had only been a few days. She missed him. Somehow hearing him say he missed her too made it a little more bearable, and she shifted her hand in his so she could bring his hand around to her back, and thus his arm snugly around her. She released his hand, then, and slipped her arm around him, grabbing hold of the back of his shirt to anchor her there. “Perdóname,” she apologized softly. “That wasn’t fair. I missed you, too. And I’m glad I got to see you.” Even though he was undoubtedly right and she’d have a nightmare of a time waking up for work. She’d do it, though, because she had a responsibility, she had people counting on her. For a moment, Gabe’s suggestion felt liberating, but it only took the space of a single heartbeat for guilt to flood in, spoiling the effect. “I feel … not great about that. I mean, I want to, I want to just spend the day with you, but I can’t just — I only have one sick day left for the year, and I can’t use a vacation day without warning, and—” She bit her lip before she could spiral any further.

-

“Is that an order, boss?” Gabe teased, however, before Ivy could protest he gave in just as quickly, “Okay, I’ll be earlier next time.” Whether he actually kept true to that would be something they’d find out soon enough, but he truly wanted to mean it. In the end, his job wasn’t a simple nine to five gig, it was something that often came home with him and took up all his free time. Maybe it was more obvious now that they were actually living together or maybe ever since he had gotten back from visiting his family in California he was ignited with a newfound fire for his work, mostly likely it was a combination of the two. Still, holding Ivy in his arms was something he wasn’t willing to lose no matter how much he loved his job. When she finally said she missed him too, Gabe relaxed a little more, “Okay then, what’s wrong? I’m home now...” He said softly as if it was as easy as that. Gabe was hoping to catch up on some sleep as soon as he got home but as Ivy continued on, he was beginning to think this conversation wasn’t as lighthearted as he originally thought. “That’s okay we can find another day and the holidays are coming up, too. We’ll plan something another day...” He trailed off, not thinking too much of it since he was tired and it wasn’t like he didn’t see her every day, even though the quality of their time together had taken a hit due to their contrasting schedules. 

@gabealvarcz.

location. their downtown apartment

It was the dip in the mattress beside her that woke Ivy fully, though her sleep had been fitful ever since she’d drifted off earlier that night — or was the morning by now? “What time is it?” she mumbled, stubbornly refusing to open her eyes and check the beside clock for herself. If she opened her eyes, she’d have to admit that she was awake in the middle of the night; if she kept them closed, she could pretend she could roll over and go back to sleep. She knew it was late, though; just as late as the past few nights had been, if not later. She could feel Gabe settling in beside her, could smell the faintest whiff of his shampoo. Reflexively, she reached out a hand, wanting to check, ( as well as she could with her eyes closed, ) that he was still in one piece. “You okay, cariño?”

-

After their little vacation in California, Gabe returned to Eureka with far too much work to catch up on. His old leads were beginning to show some promise which was why the last few weeks included some late nights. Despite the fact that work was once again seeping into every facet of his life, Gabe felt rejuvenated, like he was finally back to doing some good when it came to the job. However, the downside was that he hadn’t been able to spend as much time with Ivy. Even though they lived together now, they seemed to be like ships in the night lately. It was late and after booking another lead, taking them to the station, and filling out all the paperwork, it was safe to say Gabe was exhausted and just wanted to find comfort in Ivy’s arms. Pulling his jacket off and tossing it on the couch as he walked inside, Gabe tried to be as quiet as he could since he knew Ivy was probably fast asleep. He headed into the bathroom and gave his face a quick rinse before changing into some sweatpants and a tee. Sliding onto the bed, Gabe felt Ivy’s hand against his own to which he pulled it up and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles, “I’m good, I promise. I’ll be more quiet next time...” he nearly whispered as he settled and got more comfortable in their bed. “I know you have to be up in a few hours, but I missed you today,” He said against her neck as his body curled against hers, “How do you feel about missing work tomorrow?” He suggested even though he knew it was unfair of him to ask that of her. 

Catalina laughed. “I’ll take lots of pictures for you,” she mused as she leaned her elbows down against the surface of the counter, using her index finger to push his treats in his direction. “I think it would be a little awkward if Scott and I live together when we aren’t… together.” She brushed her tongue along her lower lip, shrugging her shoulders. “I just… I don’t know if there is anything there to save between the both of us.” She laughed. “Right, right. Don’t worry your secret is safe with me.” She scrunched up her nose at his words. “Well, I appreciate the compliments. Maybe when I’m on maternity leave I’ll open a shop out of the house so you can come get something.”

-

Once Catalina slid over the goods, Gabe gave her a nod and took the bag in his hands. “Why would it be awkward? I mean, you guys aren’t trying to make things work?” Gabe asked with the raise of his brow. He probably shouldn’t have assumed, but he knew if he had been in a position where he knocked up some woman, he’d put in the effort to make the relationship work, if only because broken families were difficult on the kids. Perhaps he was far too traditional with his line of thinking, either way, it was Catalina’s decision. “Well that’s kinda sad but you’ll both still be parents. Gotta at least keep things civil, right?” He added with the shrug of his shoulders. “You know how much I love special treatment, but until then, if you get any weird craving or just need to get out of the house, just call me. I’ll police escort you to the ice cream shop, promise.”

Ivy tilted her head to the side, considering. “Maybe a little bit of a punk phase? There was some temporary hair dye that didn’t really show up all that well involved.” She’d really liked the idea of those red streaks, though, Even looking back, when she could laugh about it, she didn’t feel embarrassment for those antics. A sentiment she wasn’t entirely sure Rosie would share about her own emo phase, but she wasn’t about to rub her friend’s face in that, even if it did make Gabe chuckle. “Well, it was different because, I don’t know, it wasn’t a phase, I was just on the dance team three years in high school. It was the first time I could really do something like that, actually.” The first time she’d been in one place long enough to do the same thing with the same people three years in a row. She grinned, partially at the memory of those times, and partially and Gabe’s obvious curiosity. “Depends what you mean by crazy outfits, I think my mom still has pictures from our competitions. I’m sure she’d be happy to share them with you. And as for my flexibility,” a wicked gleam entered her expression, her voice lowering a notch, “It probably helped. We used to mess around, see who could do splits and backbends and shit. Touch our toes to the back of our heads.” Ivy might not be quite as limber as she had been back in those days, but it wouldn’t take much for her to get back there. Leaning into the comfort of his touch, she had enough grace to admit, “Maybe a little funny.” She had every hope she’d be able to laugh at her worries in a few days, but until then, it was hard to dismiss them entirely. She could put her focus elsewhere, though, without too very much trouble at all. “Yeah, that counts for something.” More than just something, really. “That’s the most important thing, really. And I know they’ll see that, too.”

-

“Some temporary hair dye, huh? You really were wild,” Gabe said sarcastically before letting out some soft laughter. He was sure they both had somewhat embarrassing things they had done in the past, almost especially in their teenage years. “I hope you know I’m gonna have to see thee photos eventually,” Though Gabe was sure that would be in his future. After all, things between he and Ivy had been getting more and more seriously lately and it wasn’t a stretch to think he’d be visiting her entire family at some point in the near future. “I don’t know if you and I would have run in the same circles if we went to high school together,” Gabe said with an all too amused look rising to his features. It was fun to think about, if only because it was clear they were both very different people than they were now. “In fact, you probably wouldn’t have given me the time of day,” He added as an after thought if only because back then he had looked up to his older brother so much that he had been somewhat of a carbon copy of him — dressing like him, acting like him, talking like him. Gabe didn’t think Ivy would be meeting his older brother anytime soon, at least not until he was released from prison. “I think the most important thing is that I get these high school photos of you asap. Extra points if they’re embarrassing,” He joked with a grin before turning a little more serious for once, “Honestly, I’m not really worried about you meeting the rest of the family. In fact, I think it’ll bridge the gap we’ve had the last few years,” Gabe had always been close to his family and while he visited a few times a year and called nearly every week, his move away from them had been a selfish decision. Gabe could admit he hadn’t always used his badge in the best way but these days he was beginning to rethink some of those poor decisions now that he had someone to lose.