Dare You To Move

So far over the last month I've had

-two patients dealing with "Broken Heart syndrome”

-one actively having a heart attack

-a withdrawing ETOH abuse patient who only relapsed because of so much anxiety

Towards the end of the shift the "grandma" of the unit came to me and asked how much weight I lost

Told her the first 5lbs were intentional but the rest was not

She asked how I felt "health wise" but with her Bulgarian accent I couldn't tell if she said "heart wise" or head wise"

Her voice cracked as she told me she misses the old me

I didn't want to hear it and immediately started tearing up

She tried hug me while she cried and I wouldn't let her because I knew I would completely fall apart

I miss the old me too and I can't fucking bring myself to magically go back to who I was

I don't know if I ever will

Makes my heart ache even more knowing I'm making others hurt

Tried to sleep Tuesday morning but woke up every 2 hours

Worked another 12 hours Tuesday night

Spent half the shift with a heaviness in my heart

Had the worst trigger and bawled on my way home this morning

Ended up doing a very strenous hike for 4 hours to get the anxiety out because I was literally shaking

The hike exaggerated my anger, depression and anxiety

Teared up on the way down

Cried in the shower and wanted to smash the glass panel

Ate

Spent less than 1 minute trying to finally catch up on sleep only realize this anxiety won't disappear

Cancelled my request to pick up an extra shift tonight

Took a Xanax and now here I am. Still very anxious but trying to journal it out.

Had my heart broken and have still been crying everyday since then

Had my flight to Asia cancelled because fuck the coronavirus

Twisted my ankle while hiking and trying to clear my mind

1 death in the family, 1 death of a friend's mother

Worsened my anxiety and had to be on meds

AND just now had my returning flight from San Jose back to home was cancelled while I was going through TSA

I'm honestly such a fucking mess. My life is a fucking mess. As a practicing spiritual person, I've repeatedly been told have faith, trust the process, things will get better. I don't want to have doubts but lately my life has been such fucking shit. I'm so fucking done with everything. I feel like I can't talk to my friends anymore because as supportive as they've been, I know it's becoming a burden. Despite everything I still want to talk to and vent to the one I thought was my person and that makes me feel fucking stupid too. My coworker told me she saw a therapist was basically told to journal.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. I'm just fucking tired of all this bullshit.