I have to build my own castle

You can be allo and be single; it’s allowed. You feeling attraction doesn’t mean your priority NEEDS to be finding romance (it can be! But it also can not).

this ask is about a very very specific character. His name begins with H and ends with arvey Harvington. oh and also when everyone in the fandom is down BAD for your blorbo and you’re just like “him??? HIM??? THAT UGLY ASS GUY???”

-🐱🖍 anon

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

And also you're right that while this post is specifically about the asexual experience, these problems affect everyone; desire gaps, whether temporary/circumstantial or ongoing, affect many if not most long-term relationships. And the solution needs to reaffirm bodily autonomy and compassion for everyone, not just carve out a specific exception for ace people. Too frequently I see people and institutions that, even when they're attempting to be affirming, essentially say "Well this is what a committed relationship Needs To Look Like . . . unless you already id as ace I guess" instead of allowing their general idea of what relationships can look like to expand and become less prescriptive.

Here's the solution I'd propose if I were the therapist in that situation. It won't work for everyone, but polyamory exists. Obviously OP felt committed enough to this person that they still stayed in each other's lives when they're 'just' friends. So the way I see it is like, even if you personally have never considered polyamory, if you're dedicated to a person enough, you can let things like that slide, and that way everyone gets their needs met

Honestly. There is no way in hell that one person, and only one person, is capable of being there for you physically, emotionally, sexually, romantically and otherwise all of the time. There are some things your partner may not be able to do for you that other people can. And honestly. If there's a need you have that must be fulfilled, and there's a person who's capable and willing to fulfill it for you....I don't see the problem

It’s still hard to mention 10 canon ace characters. I could do it, since I specifically seek out all kinds of aspec rep, but most of it is very minor books/comics that no one uninterested in aspec rep would know or ever have heard of (and the more mainstream ones are usually completely ignored by the fandom).

Aces don’t get all the rep, they get some rep. Aros get less than that.

Honestly when thinking of (aro)ace rep my mind immediately goes to Koisenu Futari, it’s so weird to me that such an important j-drama is unknown to most people.

Anywayyy, that is to say that yes, there is some ace rep but in most of the mainstream media it is badly handled (serial killers/people with no emotions/characters who appear one second and then completely vanish from the show/villains), and even then, it’s very little.

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.