Ligaw; Random; むさくい

It’s been hard lately. i don’t understand why I feel this way. Maybe because of her, or maybe I’m just not happy where I am now. i keep telling myself it’s the latter but I know in my heart it’s the former. There’s so many things I could do to change this feeling, this state that I’m in right now. I’m trapped, or maybe I’ve been keeping myself trapped. There’s no reason to stay in this state, It’s time to move, to break free from these chains. I sound like I’m in such a deep complex situation, helpless and weak. It’s in me, I just need to keep telling myself that I can be better, I WILL BE BETTER.  I’m pathetic. i always put myself in this situation, confining myself in this box where my feelings for someone dictates how I should be living my life. It has to end, it has to end now. Fuck it, fuck her! I wish I can split myself up and separate the logical side of me and tell my other self to stop being a bitch I would.  Enough. I just want this to be over, I’m done overthinking, soon enough I know I’ll stop caring. I need to be more selfish, I need my old self back, I need to invest on myself. I need to be better, I WILL BE BETTER.

Tila hindi maipaliwanag ang nadarama. Sa bawat sandaling kasama ka, ako'y masaya, ngunit sa likod nito'y may pangamba. Masakit isipin, ang sakit na dati'y akin ng naranasan. Siguro nga ako'y isang hangal. Mabilis mahulog, mabilis magmahal, habang kasama ka, habanag tumatagal. Gusto ko'y mapalapit sa iyo, at lalo ka makilala. Ngunit ayaw ko mahulog na naman, at masaktan. Bakit ba ako ganito?

Hindi mapigilan, kahit aking labanan. Damdaming hindi mapakili, ikaw ang hanap sa bawat sandali. O kay ginhawa hatid ng iyong ngiti. Pangarap ko'y mahalikan ang mapula mo na labi. Patawarin mo sana sa bugso ng damdamin. Suntok sa buwan ang ika'y mapasakin. Tila'y ako lamang ay nangangarap. Sa tuwing kasama kita, saya ang nadarama. Sana'y manatili tayong ganito. Kahit hanggang dito lang tayo. Hangad ko lang ay makasama ka. Kahit sa isang sandali.

She's... A breath of fresh air.

Ipauubaya ko na lang sa tadhana. Tila nagsawa na ang aking puso, oh baka naman ito'y nasanay. Sanay na sa sakit, sanay ng umasa. Kahit anong saya ang dulot sa mga sandaling kasama ka. Hindi ko to bibigyan ng kahulugan. Hindi ko na lang bibigyan ng halaga. Aasa na lang ba ako palagi? Hanggang dito na lang ba? Ito na lang ba ang nararapat sakin? Gusto ko magmahal, gusto ko ibigay ang lahat. Ngunit hindi ko alam kung para kanino, sino? Takot na ako'y muling magkamali. Palagi na lang ganito, hindi ko mapagtanto. Pangarap na lang, suntok sa buwan. Sana ikaw na. Subalit ayaw ko'ng umasa. Ituturing na lang na parang panaginip. Di bali na lang, titigilan ko na lang bago ako masaktan. Gusto kitang mahalin. Ngunit hindi na ipipilit.

It's in there, deep within you. You can't deny the feeling. Stinging, sharp pain. You've became familiar to it. So why bother? Why bother reversing it? Why bother changing it? Accept it. Release it. A hundred. A thousand. A million. Moments you've come across it. You overcame it. You know what to do. Fight, endure, and persevere. Defeat it. Win.

There comes a point that you just stop and start assessing things. Then you ask yourself; "Is it even worth it?".

You have no idea how much you mean to me. It breaks my heart to know that you're hurting. I hope you realize your worth. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I have stayed silent keeping everything that I feel about you inside. I don't want to burden you, I have learned to accept that you don't feel the same. I love you. I haven't stopped loving you. It's futile I know. I just want you to remember that there are people like me who will always love you. Please be ok, there's nothing more that I can wish for you but your happiness. Even if It's not from me. There isn't anything that will make me happier.

Never change who you are because of people. Be true to yourself and let go of people who doesn't appreciate you.