Don't cry

Do you ever get that feeling when you feel like your heart’s constricting and your whole body’s closing up on you and you feel the sudden urge to cry? That’s basically what’s happening to me in the past few months or so. Don’t worry, I don’t need to go see a doctor, because I know what caused it. Stress.

My last year of high school is coming up. I’m starting school in September. And you know what that means. University applications. Studying till midnight because you know if you fuck up on exams this year means your future will be ruined. Crying because you’re scared. But maybe that’s just me. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve never been good at school. Well, that’s a lie. I used to be good at school until I switched schools and I found out that there are a lot of clever people in the world and I’m one of the dumb ones. And you know what that means. It means that I’m looked down on. And it’s not my peers that’s looking down on me. It’s myself. I hate it. I hate the feeling when you see everyone in the class getting a better grade than you. I hate the feeling when you feel utterly useless.

And I try. I really do. My mind tells me that I can’t fuck up, but I always seem to be the last one, the dumb one. My mind tells me to concentrate, but at the same time it’s curled up in misery because it has no idea how to do that one assignment. 

I don’t know how to get out of this pit I’m in. I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop pumping depressing thoughts into my mind. But most of all, I don’t want to be that girl who had big dreams but didn’t achieve them. I want to be smart and do my homework on time and get a decent grade in my exams.

*is shown any kind of affection*