Monster Wonderland

I'm 24. I've been in love. I've had my heart broken, rinse and repeat. Once I felt like I had nothing left for me in the same place I made the bold decision to move to a state that I've never lived in before. My family loves here and I've met their friends, but now I feel lonelier than before. I fantasize about surrounding myself with people like me and share ambition of living life. Being the best version of themselves and enjoying life every day. It's hard to believe there are more people like me. I feel so isolated even with my entire family around. If it looks like something is bothering me it's "why are you in a funk?" or "what's your problem?" It may not sound harsh when it's said, but it's the fact that the second I start talking the subject is immediately changed or no one really listens. Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room? Does drinking sound good almost all the time just to get to that point of not having to care about your emotions for a moment just to make it to the next day? It's hard to believe there's anymore raw people.

I'm a liar. I don't do shit. I'm a coward that doesn't try. Have you heard these statements by someone you were in love with. Did you ever imagine them saying these things to you? Rumors get spread and you accuse the person of doing said rumors, but did you ever ask if they were true? Yes, AFTER already accusing them. Once you finally asked and you got the truth did you believe them? No, you kept telling them they are being dishonest and that you are a victim. I voiced myself and wasn't heard NUMEROUS occasions and was told I didn't. It's like nothing I said ever came out of my mouth, but when other people say things about me I did it? You want the truth and I gave it, but you still accused me and asked why I'm not being honest. I think you wanted to hear that the rumors were true so you could have something to blame our failed relationship on. You didn't want to take responsibility for your actions so everything had to be my fault. This delusional fairytale was to end with me as the bad guy, without my truth coming to light. Guess what, your wish is your command. You managed to make me look like the crazy evil ex-bitch. You may not have talked bad about me, but you not listening or relaying my truth as equally as yours turned others against me. And you know, I don't even think they were on my side a little to begin with. If they are mad at me, then they don't know anything that's been going on. If people believe rumors, then those people never truly knew me at all. Don't say you love me and not be around. Don't say you care and not reciprocate the kindness and settle for lies versus confronting me. I can't control the actions of others, but I can control my reaction. This is my reaction and voice in letter form: I will not worry about how others perceive me. Accept me as I am or leave me be. I will not try to defend myself or give an explanation to those who do not stand by me. I will not allow others to passive aggressively twist my emotions because I am not doing as they expect me to. I will live my life for the adventure and happiness. If you act cruelly, selfishly, maliciously, and put on the facade of a saintly human denying all your faults, I wish to never know you and wish you out of my life. I release all toxicity and venom from my spirit and soul. I wish to "love and be loved in return" in any form it may come. I need to run with a pack of wolves who defend one another, not a heard of sheep that flee helplessly.

Where do I begin? How do I start this? This is my time and I need to use it wisely. Where do I start with fixing what I have broken because of my decisions? We have to learn from our mistakes and move on. “It does not do to dwell.” “We must deal with our emotions.” Every day I wake up not knowing what the fuck my next move is. I used to have a routine and knew how the day was going to go. Now I let the days go by. New experiences, new emotions, new ways of learning to deal with my emotions, time by myself to think. I don’t like thinking, I despise it. Not much good comes from thinking, but I do it anyways. I think of decisions I’ve made and how I could’ve done better, not for both parties, but to know I did my best, then I think of how I can change it now. How do I fix things? Can I fix things? If I’ve already tried did I put forth my best efforts? If I feel guilty is it because I did wrong or someone is making me feel guilty? Where do I begin?

People make them. Everyday. Every second. They are part of life and we have to make decisions. You could feel so sure about it or even feel pushed and take a plunge, then you're left with one of two thing: 1. You made a decision and now you're going to deal with it and be okay OR 2. You made a decision and you learned a lot, but now wish things were back to normal you just need to correct what was wrong. Sometimes taking a break from something can put a lot into perspective. Sometimes you learn a great deal and sometimes you fucked yourself. How do we cope with these heart breaking decisions? We try again. We throw the ball in the court and hope for a throw back. You wait it out and may never get anything back. At that point you learned a lesson and you're too late trying to fix anything that was broken. What do we do then?

You sit there every day thinking up scenarios of how it all could've been different. All the questions you never asked, the words you didn't say enough of, actions you didn't take as often. You think of the good memories, how much your heart hurts and the ways you hope this turns around so you feel like you have your life back. And then, you think of all the things that was said that made you feel bad, discouraged you, made you feel unworthy, belittled.....Does the good out way the bad? Do you really need just one reason to stay? You try to cope with your decisions and deal with your feelings, but you try to distract yourself every chance that's presented so you don't have to deal with it. All emotions are suppressed and building up. Your filled to the edge and anything will tip it off. So now every morning you wake up, go to your job, fantasize about what you can do with your life, wonder if this was your chance of a settled life or if you'll get another, wonder if you should move or stay. What's your next job? Haircut? Adventure? New friends? Life is what you make it. You will be happy, sad, broken, shattered and glued back together. You just have to make it work. You will struggle and want to crawl under the covers to shut the world out and that's okay. Try again the next day to make it better.

Everyday that you're asked if you're okay. You say "I'm good!" Or if you're asked "what's wrong?" You flash a small smile and reply "Nothin'." In those moments you don't have a thought you just carry on. You feel everyone else's emotions around you and they're loud and invasive. You're told it's okay to cry and be sad. What are you afraid of? You have to dry it up because "Oh, no you're emotions are showing". Be careful that tear is about to trickle. Today you wake up and the first thing you tell yourself is "I am not okay." You are not happy, you are sad. You sit in silence as you drink your coffee become in tune with the empty pit in your stomach, an aching heart in your chest, and burning eyes. You have hurt people you truly care for and you are just now opening your eyes. Where have you been? Wake up and do what's right by you. How do you expect to be happy with others if you can't be happy with yourself? You need to start today and be a better version of yourself.